Husband’s secret life

You need help. This is not normal, you are controlling and it's very unhealthy.

Oh stop it.

If you read MN you'll see a poster who has gone through their partners phone and found an affair/ pics/whatever probably every single day.

Something feels off, senses alerted and quite frankly that is what people do. Good Luck to all the people who would never do it or have never felt the need.

Whether what you read means something more is at this stage up for grabs.

" wales, wakey" first thing is quite personal. And do you think it's odd your OH hasn't talked about this woman to
you?

And YES people do have emotional affairs which can be as brutal as other types.

Frankly you don't really know enough to say whether this is " a secret life/emotional affair" or just a friend. Which in many circumstances would be totally fine too.

I think to call him having contact with people you don't know at work a "secret life" is insanely OTT. I have all kinds of people in my life at work who DH does not know about or only in a very vague way, and the same for him. Bloody hell, if I had to talk him through every interaction and every person, it would take almost as much time as my actual work day.

I hear about the "big" things - the guy who just suddenly stopped coming to work and rumour has it his wife found out he'd been having an affair. The person who needs extra cover because they had to have emergency surgery. the one who drives everyone else mad because she's so unreliable. I don't know a thing about Katie the receptionist who DH grabs a coffee with or Matt the deputy manager who DH is involved in a 5 week discussion about music with (for example).

Also, there is a suggestion you have been paranoid before. Is this becuase he previously cheated and the trust is gone? or is his trst in you gone because of batshit behaviour?

I’m going against the grain too. ‘Wakey wakey’ is not your average text message to a work colleague.

Sounds like he’s ‘fishing’. My ex husband was the same before he found a woman to have an affair with, he craved validation and ego kibbles. He did this and I was absolutely ok with him having these ‘friends’. I didn’t think anything of it. TBH found myself pleased that he was always creating lovely friendships with (always) attractive colleagues but he loved me. I was wrong.

And yep, the vegan wrap thing is a ‘I’m so on your level and get what you need right now’ they don’t jump straight to dinner out.

I wouldn’t be ok with it.

Nah. A grown man doesn't text a friend "wakey wakey" unless he can't stop thinking about her and needs to hear from her.

The vegan wrap thing is significant because it is a reference to the thing they do together "our thing".

They probably aren't having an affair but he's into her for sure.

Even if my husband cheated nothing would ever make me go through his phone

And no I don't get this 'well if someone has nothing to hide'

It is controlling and abusive and the female card doing it does not excuse it

Do you think only dashing, charming 007 types have affairs? Do you think it’s all glamour and fine dining?

Let me disabuse you of that. ‘Boring’, ordinary men have affairs too. Men who like board games, men who like alien films, men who have allotments, men who like bird watching, even men who like vegan wraps, all these are men who can have affairs. In fact ‘nice’, gentle men can be extremely successful in acquiring affair partners because they are genuinely nice and caring to women and that attracts women.

You need help. This is not normal, you are controlling and its very unhealthy.

D

Agree.

OP, you should be apologising to him.

I have male friends I'd text first thing. There is absolutely nothing going on beyond friendship.

If anyone went through my phone id be really pissed off with the invasion of privacy.

A work friend who he texts first thing? I don’t think so.

He could have. Because being a 'quiet sensitive' type who can seemingly only get close to women doesn't prevent a heterosexual man from being attracted to his women friends, or from trying to use the friendship as a spring board to more. It just gives more opportunity and the ability to hide in plain sight.
It's impossible to say if this is innocent, if your H is trying to develop something with this woman or he's genuinely friendly. We don't know the man or his intentions. Clearly the woman isn't encouraging him though so I'd say it's unlikely lines were crossed in reality, even if he wanted them to be.
Its always hard to tell from an ambiguous isolated incident whether the OP is being overly concerned or whether there is reason and she's picking up on it, as only you are living with it. But to answer your question, yes, people can be very different away from their partners than with them. People have secrets and people stray. It's really a matter of hoping that doesn't happen in your marriage.

Sounds like you have form for this sort of thing. Has he?

There's something to be said for people using the lock on their phones.

I wonder if she wasn't divorced the OP would be equally upset or this is just another case of a divorced, single mum not being allowed friends

It’s also the first port of call for anyone who is just really annoyed about repeatedly having their privacy violated.

I’m not having an affair but if my boyfriend went through my phone I’d be absolutely livid.

If his idea of a celebration is getting a Vegan wrap, I don't imagine he's the type to be having illicit affairs, to be honest.

The "wakey wakey" message to this woman - hmmmm. Would he be sending that to Gary from I.T... No he wouldn't, would he. This would concern me, and is what would be a possible red flag; that combined with your update OP where he has said to you, "if I have too much free time it will make me suspicious"... At the very least it would concern me that this is someone he is interested in, the question I suppose is given half the chance, is he likely to act on it beyond the flirty 'I've just woken up and I'm thinking of you' sort of message?

@Icantpaint Yeah, I don't think that poster is right at all, we should be entitled to privacy in a relationship- it doesn't mean I'm cheating on my husband, he doesn't look at my phone because he trusts me as I trust him - there's no need

Based on what a pp said this must mean you’re having an affair. Any need for privacy means that. Or is that just men?

This

its unbelievable (it’s not really though) that some posters have decided he’s having an affair based on some normal texts to a work friend

as for this constituting a “secret life”…

Lol. This sort of thing has come up before...
What is the suggested method for handling this sort of thing?

Your partner is super jealous and reads into stuff, so you know if you tell them about another person of the opposite sex, even if casual and friendly, that they'll blow it up into something big...

But if you don't tell them (hoping they'll never find out because you want to avoid all the drama), if the DO find out, they'll read even more into it.

I don't blame people 100% for taking the risk. It's not a life to live, you're always treading on eggshells.

In this instance, I honestly think she's just a colleague that he's trying to support and be friendly with.

I work for a large company and have been there a long time. I've got lots of work acquaintances and a few have turned into friends

I've just looked at my WhatsApp and I have messages with 5 men and 2 women from work as our business is pretty male dominated..

They range from asking for a copy of an agenda to some banter and meme sharing. I have woken up one colleague with a message checking in after I knew he was unwell. I've got lots around food and lunch orders. Some with office gossip

I can categorically say I haven't mentioned these messages to my DH because they are the most mundane inconsequential messages. My DH might recognise the names of some but not all of them.

Some I go for lunch with on occasion. Some I see less regularly

They couldn't be more bland or platonic if they tried

If my DH found my phone, went through it and then used these messages about pasta salad, our boss's mismatched shoes or what time the meeting starts to accuse me of a secret life I think he'd lost the plot

I don't think there's anything odd about having social relationships at work your partner knows nothing about, nor would I tell my husband who I had lunch with or texted outside of work. It may be your OH is flirting with someone but I don't necessarily think that's anything to worry about and the texts don't seem incriminating to me

Well, he is not wrong is he? First of all, going through someone's phone is an offence. Yes, people don't tend to report their own family members to the police but that doesn't make it OK to look through their personal possessions.
Secondly, you clearly invented a whole story out of a set of innocuous messages between work friends. If I were your husband, I'd run and run fast.

Yes I agree with the pp that it appears that he is interested in her.

They have obviously been talking about her divorce and " celebrating" it together, as he suggested" makes it sound as though he at least is hoping for something more from their relationship.

Wakeup messages are also a bad sign - that he is thinking of her in his first thoughts of the morning.
I think you are right to think he is looking outside your marriage.