Husband’s secret life

Yep. He was thinking about her first thing in the morning

OP if it feels a bit off it is.

There are many on here that say they wouldn’t bat an eye but in real life most women would definitely side eye this.

I had a male friend who got in touch whilst I was going through my divorce. He was supportive but he was married and I felt he shouldn’t really be messaging me be messaging me as he had a wife and family.

There is something odd about women that go on ‘lunch dates’ with married men AND there is something odd about married men who go on lunch dates with single women.

She isn’t a long time friend from uni or school this is a ‘new friendship’ and yeah I think he is taking the piss. Sounds like he likes the attention and secrecy.

The not significant would get me. Tell your dh that either he tells this other woman that he’s married or that you will. Get her contact details from his phone.

Vegan wrap reminds me of a running joke at my work about the sandwiches that are always left in the fridge that no one wants.... its always the vegan & GF ones!

No this is absolutely out of line. Why is she telling him about her divorce? I don't think a married man should be going for lunch with another woman who is no longer even his co-worker. If I were you I wouldn't even mention her anymore (you don't want her having more value in his mind) and secretly block her number on his phone so he just stops getting messages from her but doesn't know why. 😂Protect your marriage at all costs. Also if a man is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do about it. It's him it's not you.

Any more context on the 'wakey wakey'? did they have a conversation after it? Was it the morning after a late meeting at work, or a party or something?

Other than that, this sounds less like a secret life and just normal chat between friends/colleagues.

This is the least exciting secret life I’ve ever read about!

I’d never bore my husband with details of my day to day office life, I’m meeting someone for coffee today and then someone else for lunch. My Teams messages are a real mix of work and gossip and ranting and I’d find it incredibly intrusive if he read them.

Agree - the only part I find odd here is the 'wakey wakey' message which I wouldn't send to just a friend.

I think complaining about invasion of privacy is also the first port of call for somebody whose partner repeatedly goes through their phone.

It's also the first port of call for the innocent.

That's the thing about "The Script" - it guarantees guilt no matter what.

On perhaps the bigger issue - don't even think about giving up your job to look after the kids, not when your marriage is this shaky. Even if his texts are innocent, which they sound to me, the last of trust here isn't a strong foundation. Keep your income and don't become dependent on a man you think has a secret life, whether it's actually true or not.

I don't love his responses but tbqh he sounds at the end of his rope. It sounds like you're constantly checking up on him, so if that's true, I can understand his "too much time" comment.

Vegan Wrap - a joint? A condom (really stretching it here - no pun intended).

Absolutely. A wife looking at a husband’s phone is concrete evidence of cheating, no matter what is found. (Obviously not the other way around).

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth…

More info needed OP - has he cheated in the past? Have you been cheated on by someone else in the past? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. The only bit that does raise my suspicions is the wakey wakey message. That's a level of contact and intimacy I'd feel uncomfortable with.

Do you think vegan wrap is code for a quick shag?

I don’t feel this friendship is “off”, unlike with most “DP has female friend I didn’t know about” threads I have read on here, but I concede there’s a non-zero chance there’s something going on. If he hasn’t given any other reason for you to not trust him, I would let it drop, though.
Celebrating another person’s divorce doesn’t necessarily mean anything - maybe her ex was an arse and your DH recognised that she would be well rid.

Unless "vegan wrap" is a euphemism for condom I don't see what the issue is. People are allowed to have friends their partner doesn't know about. People are allowed to communicate with friends without reporting every conversation to their partner. You sound extremely insecure.

Yeah I also struggled with that (the first time I realised my pre school aged son had a "secret" life at nursery where he talked to other people, and was not just an extension of myself any more.) But I got over it pretty quickly when I realised he's his own person.
It's normal for some people to struggle to let go, but please try, for the sake of your relationship and your sanity!

I agree. A female work friend, fine. A 'wakey wakey' message? I've never had that with someone with whom I was totally mutually platonic.

And even if it is innocent, clearly all is not well in this relationship for some reason.

some of these responses are so weird. I know what I’d think if one of my male colleagues had sent me a ‘wakey wakey’ text, (even my close male friends wouldn’t send me something like this). I’d feel like he’d crossed a massive boundary and get the ick.

It sounds like a work mate? I have work friends who are male. I assume their wives aren't bothered if we're exchanging in jokes etc (the vegan wrap is clearly this sort of thing). I assume my husband isn't bothered either

I wouldn’t love this and don’t ever see the need for either DH or I to have friends that the other has never heard of - any new friend would come up in convo in passing….

However, the thread title “husbands secret life” is extremely dramatic for this so I wonder if perhaps there is more to this and you need to work out if you trust him. If you have no reason not to, you spiralling in this way is stifling and will make him avoidant.

Even if my husband cheated nothing would ever make me go through his phone

What EVEN if your OH was CHEATING ON YOU.

So having actual SEX with another woman and you'd still not look at his poxy phone.

Yep.

These messages sound harmless. Did you not think he ate food or spoke to anyone while at work? It hardly seems to constitute a secret life.