Husband’s secret life

I think you need to look at why you're instantly in a jealous spiral and feel the need to check up on your DH by going through his phone, because it sounds like it's a major issue.

Did you have someone cheat on you before or something? Where has it all come from?

Of course he isn't going to tell you about any human being he comes into contact with because he knows you'll lose your mind over it.

Id certainly be pissed if he'd never mentioned this female friend to me.

You’re the only one who knows your husband, it could be innocent, it might be not.
I work with a guy who travels a lot for work. He rings me with reports, to ask for info etc. and it can turn into half an hour chatting on the phone. If he’s in my area we might go for lunch, and he sends me a Christmas present every year. I’m married and he’s happily married with two daughters. We chat about our families and work and there’s nothing more to it.

I do mention him to my husband and his wife knows all about me and our chats. That’s the only difference with your husband….he hasn’t told you about this, and he should have mentioned her.

He's trying to be a decent human being op and support a work colleague going through a divorce. I'd be proud of my dh if he did that, for a male or female. Why are you going through his phone like that it the first place?

If my partner checked my phone and didn’t trust me I probably would be careful what I told them too. There is more to this I guess. Sounds like a work friend. But he stopped at saying so I’m meeting x for lunch - because she’s female I guess??

Oi! DH and I bonded at a board game club, he's endlessly fascinating, and sexual dynamite, I'll have you know 😉

I wouldn't say there's any evidence of an affair. If I were you I'd ask him to invite her round for dinner. If she doesn't seem keen to meet you then that would make me feel a bit suspicious.
If I had a male work friend, I'd be delighted to be able to also befriend their wife. If I had a crush on them or was looking for more, then I wouldn't. So I think you should see what happens there...

Oh, the MN hypocrisy! A few weeks ago another thread had a woman screeching about her husband seeing messages on her phone that led him the mistrust her and apparently he wasn't wrong. However the reaction was that he had been wrong to look at her phone. Make your minds up ladies.

Perhaps "vegan wrap" is a metaphor for planet friendly birth control

How often does he do spot checks on your phone OP?

Kindly, would you feel the same way if this was a male work colleague? I am just thinking I don’t tell my DH everytime I walk to a shop to buy lunch with a male/ female colleague. Or everytime there is just me and 1 other male colleague in the office.

I agree with @BobVanceVanceRefridgeration I have many whatsapp messages from men/ women at work - with emoji’s/ gifs etc I have never shared these but happy for them to be read.

OP is there something else that’s worrying you? or have you any reasons to feel worried.

@Blondiebeachbabe

If his idea of a celebration is getting a Vegan wrap, I don't imagine he's the type to be having illicit affairs, to be honest.

Agree with this - I can't see anything to worry about. I think a secret life is more like going to see a prostitute, having a second family, dodgy porn addiction, gambling etc

Yeah, complete red flag for me.

What time was the 'wakey wakey' message sent at? Was it first thing in the morning or later on in the day? It sounds to me like a jokey message he might have sent if he saw her looking sleepy or bored during a teams meeting or something.

Of course married men can be friends with women.

It's when it tips.

Let's just think about the direct implications of this whole "married men are not allowed to be friends with women" thing.

"Women, you are not allowed to be friends with married men, under any circumstances. You may speak to them at work, as long as you keep it strictly business, but no more than that unless there is a chaperone present."

Doesn't sound very good, does it?

I would complain if my DH looked through my phone but I am not cheating on him or even thinking about cheating. There is nothing on my phone that is problematic for him to see. I still like my privacy. It is important for most people to have some privacy.

To be honest I never get the point of these threads - if he is looking to start an affair, there's not anything you can do to stop it whilst remaining a sane and rational human being. So either trust, or leave the relationship.

I wouldn't go through my DH's phone, and I certainly wouldn't lower myself to trying to stop him interacting with other women in case it transforms into an affair. If there's issues with our relationship, I'd focus on just those rather than making them about someone else - e.g. "I feel we don't spend enough time together"/"how do you feel about our relationship, I feel there's been more distance between us lately" etc.

People generally don't cheat if they're in happy relationships - so if you fix the cracks then the cheating issue is also resolved. And if they cheat anyway, then the relationship didn't have legs to begin with.

He's not wrong, though, is he?

That's bs whoever says it.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar W

Yeah this. I have a good (male) work friend who I text regularly but our message stream is something like:

"Please can you get me a coke when you go to the shop"
"Still on the phone to X company - losing the will to live"
"Are you in the office today or wfh?"
"Be in late as I'm at the docs first thing"
"Have a great holiday and try not to miss work too much!"
"What do you think of the new starter???"
"Can I eat the cheese string that you've left in the fridge?"

There would be absolutely nothing to ever concern either of our partners because we're just workmates who get along. If I woke up in the morning and sent him a message straight away saying "wakey wakey", yes, my DP would be concerned. And rightly so. But it would never happen because I don't think about him when I wake up.

If it was innocent then his wife would know about her. No need to cool wife it all.

Seen it too many times on here and elsewhere. Real friends are known about and not kept hidden. My partner knows about all of my friends, even male ones.

We aren't secretive and no I do not go on his phone. But if he ever asked me who I was messaging I'd tell him, not that he'd ask because he trusts me. But we don't hide people in our lives.

Exactly. How often do you go through his phone?

That's what would piss me off.

Hmmm... I'm pretty laid back however I'm not sure I would be happy with DP sending another woman "wakey wakey"😐

I have plenty of male friends and colleagues who I text and speak to regularly but I don't text them first thing in the morning... To me that shows you're thinking about someone else as soon as you wake up...