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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really honest about what I need while he's away

89 replies

rodeoson · 22/07/2024 23:32

My partner is in the process of launching a business. We've been together 5 months and spend a lot of time together.

He has to go to India for 6 weeks for various business meetings in early Aug. I am flying out there once in the middle for a week, to see him.

We had dinner last night and he said that he's going to be really tied up while he's there, and that he needed to manage expectations that he won't be in touch as much as usual. He said his schedule of meeting suppliers and clients etc,were going to need to take priority and he'll be quieter than usual. He'll also be staying with his business partner and driving around to different cities with him and I know they'll be very busy. He will of course make time for me while I'm there, although will still be busy with work.

Now, just to clarify, this is absolutely true and there's no element here of me thinking that it's a lie or thinking he's hiding something. I know enough about the plans for the launch to know this is valid, and I trust him implicitly.

It was also said kindly and in a way that indicated he didn't want me to be upset or disappointed at the change in pace of our usual communication. When he said it, he made it very clear that if I had any thoughts of worries about it, we should chat about it.

There are two questions here:

  1. AIBU to be honest that I'd like to find a way to manage it so that I don't feel completely forgotten for 6 weeks, rather than pretending to be totally cool with it?

  2. If yes, what are some suggestions that I could put to him? I don't want to make demands on his time and resources but I am only human and definitely would feel sad to barely hear from him for 6 weeks, vs the multiple times a day we talk now. I don't want to cajole him into contacting me on a schedule under duress, of course, but he's the sort of person who'd be really open to suggestions to make it easier on us both.

Despite how this posts sounds, I'm not particularly needy or insecure but I also don't want to be disingenuous and "pick me", when there's an opportunity to find a good middle ground. Furthermore he's (dare I say...) a typical man so he probably needs to be pointed in the right direction for how to handle it, rather than me just saying it's fine and hoping he'll figure it out.

I'm going to be very tied up myself while he's gone as I work in summer camps for kids, so I won't be waiting by the phone or anything.

OP posts:
MyCatsAreFuckwits · 23/07/2024 00:03

@Ilovelurchers
She has known him 20 weeks and is a partner?
She is imposing on a busy business start-up?
Yes, get a grip!

NervousSubject · 23/07/2024 00:02

NoSnowdrop · 22/07/2024 23:57

Sorry to say this but I don’t think I’d want someone I’d only known for 5 months to fly out to visit me in the middle of a business trip if I was launching a new business. It sounds too full on and a potential recipe for disaster.

I think it’s healthy to not put all your eggs in one basket. (In terms of your precious time).

It seems over-wrought and angst ridden to be planning your communications with him in advance, technology is great like pp said he can FaceTime you or whatever.

If you’re going to be busy anyway what exactly is the issue. It sounds suffocating. I appreciate you say you’re not waiting by the phone but does everything revolve around your relationship with him now?

Edited

I wouldn’t either. When I’m on full work mode on a big project, I’m consumed with it, and just want to be left alone. If I were in another country for six weeks to do something specific, I’d resent the hell out of a newish boyfriend showing up for a week out of the six, in fact I’d never have proposed it, or gone along with it if my boyfriend had proposed it. And if he was raking up a working week, I’d be really irritated at having him set me out a schedule for comms while I was away.

If he’s so busy he’s not going to be in touch much, surely he hasn’t got time to take a week out to do tourist stuff with you in the middle, OP? Whose idea was this?

Ilovelurchers · 23/07/2024 00:00

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 22/07/2024 23:48

You have been with him 5 months and he will be away for the next 6 weeks.
He is not a partner, get a grip.
Why do you feel you have to visit?

Telling her to "get a grip" is a bit unnecessary. Lots of people go a bit OTT in the first flush of new love....

rockingbird · 22/07/2024 23:59

🚩 red flag 🚩

NoSnowdrop · 22/07/2024 23:57

Sorry to say this but I don’t think I’d want someone I’d only known for 5 months to fly out to visit me in the middle of a business trip if I was launching a new business. It sounds too full on and a potential recipe for disaster.

I think it’s healthy to not put all your eggs in one basket. (In terms of your precious time).

It seems over-wrought and angst ridden to be planning your communications with him in advance, technology is great like pp said he can FaceTime you or whatever.

If you’re going to be busy anyway what exactly is the issue. It sounds suffocating. I appreciate you say you’re not waiting by the phone but does everything revolve around your relationship with him now?

Ilovelurchers · 22/07/2024 23:55

Only just saw that it's quite a new relationship - I guess that is why you are stressing a bit.

My partner travels sometimes for his work and would be fine with less contact than me, so basically I just ask him for the minimum that will stop me worrying (which is to send me a text when he gets to somewhere new so I know he has arrived safe, and a goodnight text every night (I don't mean just saying "good night" - quick update on how he is before he goes to sleep, bit of love and affection etc.)

He actually often sends more than this each day, but that is enough for me to know he is safe and thinking about me occasionally!

Because I have spelt it out clearly, and it's a reasonable request, he is happy to comply. Most people are, when you make it clear what you need and your requests are reasonable.

Why don't you just say to your boyfriend, can you try and send a goodnight text each night? If he says he is too busy to do that, that is a little implausible.... One text a day will show you he is safe and thinking about you, and is not too much to ask. He may well be able to text much more than this, but at least you will have established a base line expectation.....

StormingNorman · 22/07/2024 23:54

I second sending pictures. My OH has been working away quite a bit and we do this.

Otherwise there’s face time and WhatsApp to keep up to date.

onfused · 22/07/2024 23:53

Or he's going to India to get married and preparing you for no contact while he's celebrating and going on a honeymoon.

Xyz1234567 · 22/07/2024 23:53

He sounds ambitious and hard-working,which is good.
I cannot grasp why you think it's a sensible idea to go out and see him when he's so busy. Just concentrate on your own life, see him when he gets back and go away together when he's less busy. It's only six weeks.

MyCatsAreFuckwits · 22/07/2024 23:48

You have been with him 5 months and he will be away for the next 6 weeks.
He is not a partner, get a grip.
Why do you feel you have to visit?

loropianalover · 22/07/2024 23:47

My partner and I often communicate in pictures if one of us goes away/is busy on a trip. I find it nice as it’s an insight into their day without them having to stop to type something out. For example I’d send a picture of me having a coffee or on the beach, and he’d send a pic in work/a meeting with crying emoji 🤣

It’s simple and quick but helps me feel like we’re up to date with each other

NervousSubject · 22/07/2024 23:42

Honestly, after five months he’s not your partner or anywhere near, he’s a fairly new boyfriend. Surely you don’t need to schedule things to this extent? He’s going to be busy and on the road a lot, plus you’re already flying out for a week in the middle of his six-week absence.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/07/2024 23:39

I know you said there's no chance of it being anything but genuine and I'm not saying it's not. However, I do think he's overestimating how busy he'll be - he's seriously anticipating he won't have time for you - a few texts a day, hell 1 text a day!! a phone call.

I know my DH would make time because it's important to him.

If he's genuinely not got time to fit you in then how is he finding time to eat or pee... surely there'll be time when he's travelling, time when he's having a quick bite to eat. Fair enough, there might be the odd day that schedules clash and you can't chat for long but I don't buy that he won't have time at all for the duration of his trip.

cupcaske123 · 22/07/2024 23:38

OP I'm not really getting the problem here. He's going to be really busy for six weeks so he'll be in contact less. I'm sure he won't be working 24/7 and will be able to Facetime you in the evening after his meetings.

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