I am not the mother I thought I would be

It does get better. My dc are adults now. I didn’t enjoy the early years and felt I’d lost myself completely. Having someone who is totally dependent on you is so draining. It’s less physically tiring in the teenage years but more emotionally difficult. But they are adults now and after many worrying times they are now settled in jobs and relationships. I am so proud of the people they have become , and enjoy family times together.
I am retired and have freedom again. My personal opinion is that my life has been both incredibly more difficult than it could have been without them, but so much more meaningful and rich.
Even knowing about the bad times I would do it all again. And I wouldn’t have 1 child. Too much pressure on them

YANBU, I felt similarly I think. You're in the tough part now. They get so much more fun once they can speak. And then when they're sick less often and you get reliable sleep.

Mine are 6 and 4 now and it's so much easier. They're actual people!

I hear you!!

I'm not the Martha Stewart/Mary Poppins glam, yummy mummy I'd always envisaged!!

I'm hot and hormonal and my 2, ds10 and dd4, drive me nuts bickering a lot, and I can only see this getting worse as ds10 get in to his teenage years! I was only child so I never know if this bickering is normal though.

It is hard, and although the newborn baby stage is my favourite, it does get easier as they get more independent. My 2 truly are the light of my life and when I hang out them individually or when they're getting on, it's so lovely!

But I do feel like I've lost myself in having them, I lost my job in covid, I'm menopausal and I miss the old me and wish I'd done more selfish things when I was younger like travelling etc.

It’s really, really hard for some of us. I felt the same as you. I was in great distress a lot of the time, cried a lot and honestly sometimes I thought I wouldn’t survive. And 19 months can be a really tough age.

It absolutely does get better. This is a phase you just have to survive. You’re not a failure or a bad mother, you’re a normal person finding difficult times difficult.

People who have “easy” toddlers who don’t do that whole terrible twos thing (mine started at one, and the HV said that was common) have no idea how awful it can be. Like my neighbour, whose toddler was the quietest, most placid child I’ve ever seen, and who couldn’t understand why any mum struggled.

I remember that stage. I was like a zombie. Every age got better - now mid primary is amazingly good. You will be you again I absolutely promise.

Are you a single parent? You sound burnt out, lots of us can relate. Ultimately no one is going to give you the time and aspect to feel like you, you have to demand it and take it. Go for a swim every Thursday evening (example but timetable in your own space), give yourself Saturday mornings for you. Nap when you can, find small pockets of joy that fill your cup. This is all harder if you are a single parent but if you’re not, share the load. Make sure you’re not martyring yourself, parenting is teamwork.

Yes I felt exactly the same OP. I did have PND but even after it was treated and I was feeling significantly better (and no longer mentally unwell) I still felt the same. What I will say is that it has got better year on year, and now that DD is 6 I genuinely feel that my life is better for being a parent. Not just because I love DD endlessly – because I still did that even when I hated being a parent and it didn’t make things easier! – but because she enriches my life more than any of the things I would be doing if I wasn’t a parent. Plus now that she’s older there aren’t many things I can’t do, and I get a lot more sleep which is a BIG thing for my mood! It took a while to get here but I did, and you will too. Well done for being honest – it’s such a taboo subject but there are other women out there who feel the same.

Pl don’t beat yourself up, you weren’t to know how you would find the reality, nobody does.

My BF was adamant from an early age that she would have three DC. Her DH was happy to go along with this. However, she found having a baby/toddler/primary age child so incredibly difficult, she stuck to the one and went back to work FT when baby was a few months old. She hated being needed all the time, having no real independence.

Also, when you see women sailing through those early years, like I did, absolutely loving every minute of it, bear in mind that they might have a dreadful time of the teenage years. I had no idea how tough they would be for me. Nearly broke me.

Try to find some time for yourself every day. It will all be worth it, I promise.

I read an article a few years ago about a mum who hated being a mum in a lot of ways but also loved it at the same time. Basically she admited that she despised the age between 1 and 2. She said that all 4 of her kids were the most irritating selfish little pricks she'd ever met, each at that age. Basically OP you're in a very hard period, it does get soooo much more rewarding. Don't even worry about how you feel, we've all been there!

It can be very boring and draining. But you love your child and no-one else is judging you. Give yourself a break on trying to keep a perfect home. I found every year was better as DS personality became more developed and he could express himself.

Totally disagree about having a second so they entertain each other. From what I've seen you spend more time separating them. DS is an only and enjoyed sport so built strong friendships through clubs.

It's an absolute shock to the system. I honestly couldn't believe it. I 'knew' what havibg kids would entail but I didn't know how I'd react to it until I was in it.

I'm used to it now (I have three) but the adjustment was so hard. I'm still very angry about my career which is in tatters as I decided to work PT (so did my DH but is career is fine, more anger!).

I have no real advice but I would say try to let go of the guilt. You feel how you feel about it and it's hard to move through things if you're giving yourself a hard time about it.

I felt exactly the same as you. Exactly. Felt like a bomb had gone off in my life.

She's 17 next week and I absolutely promise it gets better. Just hang in there.

Remember, most days good enough is good enough. This too shall pass.

It is hard work. Do you have support? Use babysitters, get a bit of your life back. It will benefit you and your child. It doesn't need to be this way.

Not insensitive at all. What I mean is, looking back 25 years later, I would have done things differently. My life would have turned out differently. I didn't realise at the time the significance of having 3 children although to be fair the last two were twins lol

Small children are awful. I posted a lot on here years ago, under other names, about how hard I was finding it, and my DH pulls his weight and more (I deduce that either you don't have a partner or you're carrying much more of the load).

But this is not all there is to being a parent. DD is nearly 14 now and it's got better and better since she was 4. She's a joy to spend time with, apart from nagging about homework and music practice, and we share a lot of interests. I'm just planning a couple of weeks in Berlin with her next summer - we'll both do German lessons in the mornings and explore the city in the afternoons, and I'm really excited about it.

Hang in there. This bit is grim but I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It gets so much better I promise. My 5.5 year old now loves a lie in, and can get up at 9.30 some mornings. He loves to play with his toys for a bit on his own, I can do stuff like wash my hair, have a quick clean up. If we’ve been out and about and come home shattered, he’ll happily watch a film and it’s nice to have a cuppa and relax on the sofa and have an hours peace. I promise it gets better.

If I could go back in time and know the things I know now, I’d never have done it. I love them with everything that I have and everything that I am, but that’s the problem. There’s no ME, anymore.

I found post-2yo soooo much better than before. To the extent that after giving away all my DD's baby clothes and swearing she'd be an only, I'm now pregnant again following an embryo transfer. I hate pregnancy too! But I find having a 2+ year old so rewarding I'm going to grit my teeth until I start feeling like myself again in 2026. Hold on, it'll get easier!

😭

You haven’t ruined your life. Babies suck. Toddlers suck worse. Kids though - they’re fantastic. My two are great company: they make me laugh til my sides hurt, teach me new things (my 11 year old introduced me to a new music genre today) and we get to do all kinds of fun stuff together. We even get to do fun adult stuff like city breaks, pub trips and meals out. I always say I didn’t have babies to have babies; I had babies to have kids!

OP, I hear you. It's a grind. Some parts will get easier for sure, and you will be able to claim more of your life back in small increments as life goes on. I understand the resentment and the feeling that you are disappointed with yourself too. You sort of end up finding a way through, I promise. So many mums feel the same but don't feel able to admit it. You are not alone.

i hated that stage . My oldest is grown up and we have a great relationship, same as the teen . this is just a season of parenting x

And I had two because I knew they’d entertain each other and I’d be off the hook! Parents of onlies I know spend A LOT of time playing etc whereas mine play together and I get to read 🤣