I am not the mother I thought I would be

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OP, from someone who absolutely loved the baby and toddler years: it is relentless, it is a grind and despite how much I loved it (and I did), I was really looking forward to bedtime by the end of the day. It's hard work! Everyone needs a break from whatever they're doing. It's ok not to enjoy this bit. It doesn't make you a bad mum. It just makes you a mum who can't wait until bedtime.

I only had one I'd definitely recommend it

Yep, it's relentless.
My career and health are fucked beyond repair. People say 'What did you expect?' but you don't really have any idea until you're a parent and it's not as if you can put it back. Thankfully DD (one and only) is a teenager now and the days are better, but if I'd known then why I know now, I would have stuck to my guns and not had any.

I absolutely felt like this when my child was 18 months ish. She’s almost 3 now and love being her Mum so much, I feel guilty for ever feeling that way. It’s hard and I don’t think you can ever fully prepare yourself

I feel every word you said. I have no real advice apart from that you get used to it and they aren't little forever. I hated until about age 3. Now she's 6.5 and my little best mate but I still find most days hard.
I never realised how selfish I was. I still don't like the mess, lack of sleep etc.
I have lots of childfree friends and I envy their lives. I'd never be without my daughter, but honestly I am not a natural mother.
It will get better!
One thing I say quite often on here is that you don't need to have another ...ever! If you don't want to. I didn't 😊 It's good to have one x

I feel like this sometimes. It's just relentless. Work is much easier than parenting! At the same time, I love him so much and do really enjoy hanging out with him and playing when it's good. He's only just 2 and I did feel quite a big change once he got better at communicating and doing imagination play. It is still really hard sometimes (especially when any of us is ill) but it does feel like it's going to get easier....though the tantrums can really get to me.

I think it's just a waiting game though and in the meantime making sure you carve out time for yourself.

Because if women knew the reality we probably wouldn’t do it!
However, it does get better, much better, think of it as an exciting rollercoaster. Mine are all almost adults now, god it was really hard at times, it still can be. But I can’t imagine my life without them

Little kids are such hard work and it's so intense all the time. I have a 4.5 year old and everything is so much better than when she was under 3! I found each age slightly better than the last so far (newborn was awful due to lots of little health issues). Don't quote me on that when the teenage years hit though!

Will you send them to nursery when they turn 2? That might help to free some brain space, even if just a couple of mornings a week at first x

This is the hardest part honestly, once they start getting closer to school age it is much easier!!

Do you have a partner at home? Because quite honestly this is the only way I’ve managed to maintain some of “me”. Share the mental load and talk to them about how you feel. If I want to go to the gym or the shops etc without family in tow, I tell DH how I feel and it’s what I need for a mental break and he’s supportive and it goes the other way too.

Don’t be afraid to use childcare, ignore what people say on here about long nursery hours because if you like work then you do you and fuck the mum guilt.

Hang in there, it does get easier I promise x

What were you expecting? God help you if you have a child with a learning disability. Be thankful you have a healthy child some children are fighting for their life from birth.

It will get better. It doesn’t feel like it now, but trust us, this is the absolutely worst. When they start talking it gets a lot easier because at least you are not trying to second guess the problem.

hang on in there, don’t take things too seriously (washing, hair, career, etc). You will find yourself again, and one day you’ll yearn for when they were little and needed you.

@Sosadd11 as Michael Jackson once said “you are not alone”

I have a 2.5yr old and 6m old
No financial issues, family support, a cleaner, my oldest is still in childcare 4 days a week and I have a husband who pulls his weight (ie 30%) 😅
I have nothing to complain about vs many women… YET

I have aged beyond belief and i look like I could be the mother of the 2020 version of myself…
my career is on ice my body is a mess my brain is addled my marriage is strained
I am constantly thinking rushing list making and being again sponge nag I hate who I have become

I don’t understand why women aren’t screaming in the street at the injustice of it all.

that said my oldest is the light of my life she brings me unparalleled joy especially now she is coming up to 2.5

no answers just solidarity

I'm sorry you feel this way but it's not my reality. It's very personal.

To all the people saying, 'there is no ME'. Isn't that the point? Children teach us to let go of being selfish. Marriage does it too, just not as effectively. When you get into a relationship, you can't just think about yourself as you did when you were single. You make certain adjustments. Same with kids.
Dead honest, I think your perspective has to change. I think we as a society constantly tell each other how hard motherhood is (thread is a prime example). Instead of saying, you know what, change your perspective. Get up and say , I get to be a mother, I het to make food and I am choosing to enjoy it. Much of life is a choice. You can choose to be happy or wallow and focus in the things you lost die to motherhood instead of the things you gain. I'm not saying this to be mean or diminish anything. I honestly think attitude is everything. You can't change having a baby ,so rather than focusing on the do call bad, just eliminate those thoughts entirely.
They just keep you down.

I don't think many of us are the mothers we thought we would be. I doubt many are excited to see their toddlers every day either, they're hard work!
Do you have the option of a weekend away to just be yourself? You sound like you really need a break. I had zero family support but a couple of friends were great and babysat for me overnight on a couple of occasions.

I recommend reading / listening to 'Raising a Happier Mother' by Anna Mathur. We are victims of our own expectations of motherhood and this talks about getting the the heart of your pin up mum fantasy before you were actually a parent, as well as working through all the stuff you talk about. I've been there. It's grim. It does get better but you need to learn tools to help yourself and ask for help.

We romanticise parenthood like we romanticise marriage. We should be teaching kids that both are fucking hard work, especially for women. We should be collectively demanding a hell of a lot more from men, and from society in general.

Make your partner do more, if you have one - you didn't say. If he refuses, kick him out of your life. Then just focus on getting through it because as everyone says, it does get easier. One day they actually leave home and you have your whole life back, though you'll get it back in increments well before then. Hang on in there.

Exactly what I was going to say

I resonate with everything you've said-losing my personality and sense of fun especially. I am long past this stage now (youngest is 9, and I do have more than one child).

I just wanted to let you know, it all comes back. Your sense of humour, your enjoyment of life, enjoyment of your children-it all will come to you.

The stage you're currently in is horrendous. Only today, I went for a walk with my kids. I enjoyed it! They're big enough to go on their own, to be careful of traffic, I don't have to watch them every fucking second like when they were tots. I found myself thinking, "Thank Christ I'm past the toddler stage". Even though it was years ago, I still remember what a drain it was. It was SO HARD.

Don't despair OP, you'll get through it, and then the rewarding parts of parenting come.

OP no advice but I hear you. I feel the same sometimes- mine at 7 and 4 and I love the bones of them and things are easier. But I agree that 90% of life feels like a slog- life admin, rushing from work to school to clubs to home, picking up after them, cleaning, washing, paying for clubs, helping with homework, food prep, bath time etc etc. I feel like I never feel relaxed, never have time for me at all any more. We’re in that stage where a lot of our friends have babies but those who don’t are travelling, having a great time, sleeping in etc. it’s hard and I miss child free life. But I love the kids.

YES. Young children are lovely in micro-doses, but since mine turned 9/10/11 year olds life is immeasurably better. They are now teens and fabulous. Fun, interesting, interested and overall life enhancers.
4-8 they are hilarious but can still need lots of bedtime reading... LOTS OF BEDTIME READING. And you still need to do lots of cooking.
From 9 onwards, they still love a good story or chat but can be self sufficient. Obviously cooking for the family makes sense but they can self-help from the fridge if necessary.
Obviously toddlers etc are gorgeous and cute, but not full-time. Everyone has a part to play.
The very young children stage was exhausting drudgery. I'm so glad I have photos or I think my memories would not be good ones. Hang on in there. Slightly older humans are fantastic 😊

The early years are tough and relentless. Primary years are magic. Teens can be tricky but if you are firm when they are young and instil good boundaries and respect and you are lucky teens can be brilliant. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

On holiday with our two teens and having a blast. Our lives are enhanced for having them around (though they can be maddening of course)

I have a 19m too! I really get you op! I love my two BUT I do think I have become a more stressed, frustrated and irritable person after having kids. I have an 8yo who is really the best, that age is pure bliss. He is sooo independent, can entertain himself and just easy. I know when he was around 3/4 that's when it turned around so I have been counting down. I must say that now my dd is 19m and able to play with ds. I'm able to get more stuff done as they sit together for 15-20min. It really does get easier. Hang in there.'

I could have written this myself a few years ago. My child is nearly 7 now and I don’t feel like this at all anymore. It will get better. You’re doing a fab job Mama so don’t beat yourself up for not enjoying it. Try and engineer some time for yourself each week x

I felt the same. I hated the toddler years as they were bloody awful, and the combo of that, no support network (except for DH) and giving up work for 3 years made me a shell of my former self.

I’ve adjusted but it took until DS was at school 😬 It’s different now but a lot of stuff you said still resonates - being on the clock all the time, never having time to do simply nothing, always having to carry the mental load (and dh does a lot compared to most) We stopped at 1 as I just couldn’t do it again. I love DS and don’t resent him at all, but if I could go back and make the decision again, I wouldn’t have had a kid