I am not the mother I thought I would be

My friend had a baby a year after me and this is what I told her.

90% is mind numbing drudgery
9% is absolutely awful
1 % is amazing.

endure the 90%, survive the 9 % and cherish the 1 % - because this is just what it is.

I completely agree with you about the number done on women, but you need to get to a place where you can separate your own life from the wider problem in society because basically you can’t change everything - you need to live your life in an imperfect world and change the bits you can.

This is exactly how I feel! 2 under 2 with 15 months gap. I have no time to do anything. It is grueling. I love them but I hate being the main person to think about their meals, make sure it is nutritional, prep and cook them, feed them on time, clean after them, get them ready for the day, make sure they are safe, they have eaten enough, napped on time, changed diapers, playing nicely, have I spend any time with them, are they dressed properly. It's constant. Plus I am breastfeeding my youngest while older baby creating havoc. Waking eachother up during nap or at night. I hate it allllll. I cld be in Bahamas looking cute but after 2 babies back to back my body doesn't feel the same and definitely does not look the same. And time to cuddle with partner err they can dream on! BUT I HEARD IT GETS BETTER!!
Sorry got carried away but we just have to embrace the chaos. We live for them and their little smiles and hugs

I promise it will get easier when they go to school. You are right women have had a right job done on them, we are made to believe that having it all is achievable, that you can give 100% to your job and 100% to your child/ren, be a great social friend and have a fantastic partner where you both take on 50% of the child rearing and housework whilst still having time for "date" nights and "me" time. It is all a con and nothing but lies. It is bloody hard work, men don't bother their arses and leave it all up to you whilst they play golf, cycle or go to the pub. " Work suffers because you will be the one to take unpaid leave because your child is ill. You see your friends once in a blue moon and "me" time is going for a pee on your own if you are lucky.

I understand to a degree. It’s physically and emotionally demanding. That being said I miss him even for a few hours when we’re
not together and don’t take enough time for me. I’m sure it will pass for you soon, remember even if it feels absolutely shit right now, this is just a short period in your life, your wonderful child is only going to get older and be more amazing, hang in there ❤️

I'm pregnant with our second and it took me till my eldest was over three to feel a semblance of me back. I know that will all go tits up again with this one it already is tbh, and I will have to ride the wave of it until it does. I won't lie I'm scared of it, this pregnancy has been much harder I hate every single photo of me, I've ballooned in size and can't exercise consistently as I feel like poo 90% of the time.

I love my daughter more than anything and I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but I've felt very like you. I've worked full time since my daughter was 2 and like you say that brings it's own challenges but it made me feel more like me again and has done wonders for my mental health. We are having another as equally I knew I wanted another one and it was very much a heart thing rather than a logic thing which would have seen me be one and done. All this to say you're not alone OP.

This.

Some people take to parenting and some don't. It will get easier as your baby grows and becomes more independent - the toddler stage is undeniably difficult.

I think the important thing is to not double down and have a second child, then hate that even more. I never blame someone for saying they don't enjoy being a parent, but if they say it and then have more children I absolutely do judge.

I hated it for a long time. Honestly even now (dc aged 15 and 12) if I had truly known what it would be like I would have only had one or no dc. My 12 year old is autistic and struggles , so even now they are older like is still very controlled.

I know a few people who have said if they truly knew what it was like they wouldn’t have done it.

Solidarity OP. Hopefully it is reassuring for you to hear that this sort of thread pops up pretty regularly. You absolutely aren’t alone- far from it.

I found the toddler and baby years immensely draining. I didn’t cope well on lack of sleep and seemed to completely lose my sense of humour for a few years. I was often grumpy. I shouted more than I would have liked to. I often thought ‘I’ve ruined my life’. And that’s with a supportive partner too so Lord knows how single Mums do what they do (hats off to the mums going solo).

For me, (and most of the posters here by the looks of things), it got a lot better once they were both in school! Things were really pretty great for a good ten years (however I lost both of my parents when the DCs were 7 and 5 so quite a lot of their mid-childhood is hard for me to remember as I was so mired in grief during that time- but my recollection is that the primary and secondary years were pretty good).

They are teens now and their teens have mostly been great- I love being able to have proper chats and enjoy their company. We have come into a slightly more difficult phase with both now in late teens- they are fab kids, polite and law-abiding and so on but there are other, bigger worries for me now about where they’re going to go in life and what the future holds for them now. But at least I get plenty of sleep these days which makes a world of difference!

If I could go back and do things differently, I don’t know what I’d do- not because of them but me- I don’t think I’ve been the mum they deserved but I’m the only one they’ve got and I’m doing my best so I just hope that’s enough.

Advice not advise. My pedantry couldn't let that slide 😹

Have you met other mums, OP? I'm a very sociable person, and making friends with mums I clicked with was my saviour.

You are me 30 years ago.

I love my dc dearly but I really struggled and some aspects of parenthood turned out to be things I am really crap at. I get overwhelmed and struggle with the complete lack of control and chaos. Recently diagnosed with adhd which explains a bit. And no, I really don't present like the image of adhd

My advise is to try to enlist as much help as you can. Paid if necessary and feel no guilt. I'm a great mum to adult dc and I've been a fun mum and a super mama bear in my time. My dc all love me flaws and all.

Just get all the help you can and allow yourself to be the bits you excel at.

It gets better then sometimes worse again, then better, then worse... and it's conflicting because I love my child but I hate what comes with motherhood. But he's worth it. But it's also shit.

Try to make 30 minutes of every day for you. Read, bath, shower, netflix.

The time does fly. They don't stay little long and, eventually, you'll find yourself again.

It is damn hard and part of what makes it tough is the expectation of what you think motherhood "should" be like. Do you have support? Try and go back to basics - can you reset how you do bedtimes etc? I get out an evening a week for a hobby which helped my overall state of mind massively. I have a 2.5 yo. I still feel so on the fence about having another as even though I love her so dearly, I cannot see how I would be able to love another child in the same way and have that capacity and stay sane.

I have three and I also look after my sisters child a lot. I agree with a pp that age 1-2 is absolutely shite. They are incredibly irritating at this age. Can't take your eyes off them for a second, they can't talk properly yet, can't manage even simple tasks for themselves.

It's so so draining. I've also made my life worse by being pregnant again each time my children reach this stage and my sisters child is almost the same age as my middle one. So during my last pregnancy I had 2 x one year olds to look after.

My eldest is 4 and my middle one is 2 now. I have found after age 2 for it to become much better. And so far things have already got much easier with my eldest. He can sit quietly and watch tv for a short while. We have lovely interesting conversations now. His curiosity about the world is amazing.

For me personally as well as time has gone on (and with the birth of each child) I've felt more at peace with how things are. I still have days where it seems so unfair and I feel so frustrated but mostly I have come to a point where I'm used to it? Hope that makes sense!

Hang in there. It's going to get better.

Can I just say as someone battling with the should I have children question
.. thank you all for sharing the realities of what it can be like. I wish women would speak up more about this so we can make more informed decisions. My friends paint it as 100% joyful... But they seem so tired, angry and stressed alot of the time. Im sure kids are wonderful too but it's nice to see the balance!

It's so hard. Honestly is gets so much better and easier. Mine are 6 and 8 now and i enjoy being a mum so much more now. I did have pnd tbf, and I would suggest that you don't rule that out as some of what you say does fit... it took me a long time to get into my groove and feel confident in my parenting. It is hard, everyone is winging it. You are doing better than you think you are. It does sound like you could benefit from more support but obviously don't know how feasible that is for you. Bottom line is you aren't alone and it will get better. Sending you loads of love xx

Hated the first two years. Was a miserable husk of my former self. Though I loved my child I also thought I'd made a terrible mistake and in many ways ruined my life.

Things began to improve gradually from about 2 onwards and I'm now the proud mother of an almost 4 year old. Yes, it's definitely still hard sometimes but I can honestly say I enjoy being his mother and am excited for the future. He is amazing.

I won't be having any more though. Partly because I'm now over 40 but also before I can't put myself through the early years again.

Hang on in there. It will get better.

Really sorry you're having a hard time OP. It's very normal as others have said. You might feel like you've settled into the long term reality of parenting as your child isn't brand new but this is a very specific stage and can be one of the hardest as you're worn down from the intensity of pregnancy then a baby then a young toddler but you're not yet benefitting from the increased independence even an older toddler will have. In six months things will be different and in six months after that they'll be different again. Just don't beat yourself up for finding it hard and take any chance for a break/some yoy time that you can get. Even one evening out with my partner used to really help me. It's okay for your child not to be the entire centre of your world and it's okay for you to disappoint them sometimes - it's good preparation for life as not everything will go their way! The instagram account bigtimeadulting is good for humour about how gruelling the toddler stage is. Big hugs to you, you sound like a good mum xx

I think the pressure to be the most wonderful and engaged parent doesn't help. I felt so much guilt at that stage of my children's lives. I wish I had used childcare and family to muck in a bit more so I could just have a breather.

I know everyone is saying it but it really does get easier. Mine are 13, almost 12 and 10. The 13 year old is a joy. She takes herself out and about with friends, has an out of school hobby and really doesn't need much from me apart from my company sometimes.

Hang in there.

Yes some of it is absolute torture especially at that age. It gets more fun with each passing year as they get more independent and you start getting them doing things that are actually useful!

I can relate to a lot of this.

Some days wonder what has happened to my life.

But I wouldn’t be without them. I love them more than anything. I smile and laugh more with them than anyone. I’m so grateful for them.

But what you’re saying is totally valid and relatable!

and agree re men.

I felt this way foe the first 15months. I wondered if I made a mistake and why this feeling hadn't passed.
I swore to my husband no more children as DS had an awful time as a newborn with lots of things including sleep and feeding.
Everything you said I went through.
Then something changed and I can't imagine my life without DS. I am now due baby now 2 any day now.

Things that helped was having routine and structure. That 2 hour nap is my time! To do what I want for me. Sit and read / watch something / eat a special treat / talk to my friends etc etc.

It gets better. DS plays independently on and off in the day. He enjoys reading books alone and practicing his letters and drawing. And in that time I can get on with house work / cooking etc and now and then join in when I can and when done.
When DS was smaller I would use wireless headphones during nursing seasions, and he would contact nap a lot so I would read books, nap myself or catch up with emails and texts.
Another thing that helped was having half a sunday to myself every other week. DH would take DS all day and I could go out between feeds got better as DS got older as I had longer stretches. Sometimes I would go eat lunch alone, catch up with a friend at theirs, go for a long drive. Etc etc. I needed to have me time to be me and not think about baby or feeds or anything else. It worked for me. And helped me love parenting.

Every word resonates. I remember thinking WTF have I done? The early years were crisis management. None of it came naturally, not breastfeeding, not understanding what she wanted or needed, not time management - none of it. I was constantly chasing my tail, playing catch-up with baby, work, household tasks, relationship. Feeling as if I wasn’t doing any of it particularly well.

No time for myself. Instead of having a couple of leisurely hours to get ready for a (vanishingly rare) social event I had 30 mins to shower, shave my armpits and lower legs before slapping on some makeup and running out the door ten minutes late. No time to read, forget browsing in shops. Can’t apply for promotion - requires overnight stays. I love my child dearly but did not look at her and think “oh, you’re so worth it”. And this made me feel so guilty, because she always wanted me.

After the toddler years things improved (or I acclimatised!) drastically and I managed much better. Early teens - a war of attrition. Apparently it’s a girl thing, boys love their mummies. 🥺 However, age 15 - new delightful person has appeared, fun, charming and responsible. I really enjoy talking with her and listening to her views.

It’s a rollercoaster OP. You will love your child madly but it’s ok to mourn the life you could’ve had if you had chosen to remain childless. Of course if childlessness was not by choice then you would be mourning for a different reason. I do think people are better about being honest regarding the monumental shock of motherhood and how it is not always a perfect fit for everybody.

You’ll do fine, this bit will either get better or you will become better at managing it.

As annoyingly cheesy as this going to sound, concentrate on the good stuff about now that you won’t have for long and not on what you are missing as it won’t be that long before you have more time to yourself as your child is old enough not to need your full on attention all the time.