I am not the mother I thought I would be

We hear you. x It is what it is now; you will learn to roll with it. Please don’t be made to have another child; that is my suggestion. Society will pressure you into it, believing this is what you need. We have one, and when people ask me why - I am just honest and say I can’t mentally deal with having another child. I don’t know what else to say. It’s hard at all different stages. I love my child so much, but it’s so exhausting mentally to be there and working full time. I think people should be more honest about the realities of motherhood and the support network needed. Please be kind to yourself and get a break. See a therapist or use ChatGpT - that really helps me x

I could have posted this. You are not alone. 💐

I think I commented on that thread when my children were 4 and 5 months respectively! So reporting from the other side, OP I can confirm it gets MUCH better when they're 9 and 5, as mine now are. I'm not sure o could see the light at the end of the tunnel then, but it has arrived. It's still hard in places, but the relentless grind of worry and responsibility has eased slightly. Now it's all about the life admin!

This is such a ridiculous comment. And I say this as the mother of a child with a learning disability who was fighting for their life for their first year.

Parenting a child with disabilities is a whole other wild ride. It doesn’t mean typical parenting journeys aren’t challenging, particularly at crunch points.

Can you use (more) childcare OP?
I'd sacrifice any small luxuries or even nice things to get an extra 1-2 hours a day / weekend free.

@ByCupidStunt would you mind elaborating on this a little bit,
? Currently on the fence about number three!

It’s hard when they are small. Babies are pretty cute but they are also boring and super demanding and looking after them is relentless. Mine were thankfully early talkers and I found once they could tell me what they wanted/what was wrong it got significantly easier. They are 7 & 10 now and they are awesome. Sure it’s hard work at times but we do so much fun stuff together too. If I could go back I’d 100% put up with the shitty times when they were limpets and I was massively sleep deprived to get the times we have now.
Not everyone feels that way later but I know a lot of people who do. It’s definitely not uncommon to be utterly overwhelmed the first few years but to find it gets easier. The timetable juggling now is hard work but you feel like you get so much more back when they actually actively enjoy stuff and tell you so and say thank you for things. I hope you find it easier in a year or two and that there is more you enjoy then x

It is bloody exhausting. I’d like to tell you it gets better, it doesn’t. The sleep gets better but they go to school your constantly tidying up, school lunches , ironing ,working , running around clubs, the same shit everyday. They then answer back and fight all the time , my child has a Ed which makes things a lot harder but even before that it’s hard. There are some nice moments but I think had I my time again I don’t think I’d be a parent , i don’t have enough patience and feel sorry my kids have a stroppy parent. Every day I say tomorrow is going to be better and calmer but it never is! I’m glad you wrote this post as sometimes you wonder if it’s just you.

I felt just like that, everything that you say. It has eased now that they're 7 and 5 and I don't hate it like I did.

Having read my back I forgot to mention the selfish bit and that was that I went out at least once or twice a week. Starting when the babies were about six weeks old for a couple of hours to going out now that they are teens about three times a week. I would go insane otherwise.

I think I was quite selfish when they were little. I had 3 under 5 so it obviously was a bit shite. But we were already skint so just kept being skint. We had low expectations on holidays (lots of camping and sun holidays and staying with random friends or house swapping). I worked part time as too expensive for childcare and DH worked weekend s and shift work so little childcare costs
The house was messy but it was already a bit shit so didn't matter. I was lucky and found a group of friends who were happy to take the kids on endless trips to the seaside or museums or forests and then end the day at our houses drinking wine. I think without them I would have been insane.
I think the need now to have to work full-time means that there is less ability to meet sound people to hang out with and basically talk to them about anything other than children. Took me a while to find people that I got on with and went to endless baby groups etc but the pool now is much smaller.
It gets so much easier when they get to about 3 and then just gets easier every year. I love now having a full house of teenagers it's so full of laughter and joy. They obviously can be pain in the arses but the drudgery is so much less. The only bit I hate is now working full time, as soon as we can afford it I'm going to four days a week.

Thank you for such an honest post.

I wanted children when I was younger because it was expected of me, it seemed like the ultimate goals in life were marriage and babies.
In films and books the “happy ever after” was always the couple getting married and the end was the woman being pregnant or an epilogue where she had multiple children.

As I got older my friends started to settle down and I was the odd one out with people giving me a sympathetic head tilt and saying “it’ll be your turn next”

My sister had children and I started to have my niece for long periods, I also started to babysit for friends, to start with I’d be pushing the pram pretending the baby was mine but after a few hours I was DESPERATE to give the baby back.

As the kids got older I realised how unsuited I’d be to being a parent, I loved the fact that I worked an unconventional job with strange hours, me and DP go on regular holidays and trips away, we have nights out or sometimes just have days in bed.

Both me and DP are ND and struggled with the noise, mess, demands and unpredictability of small children, I get frustrated talking to friends with kids interrupting and get fed up when my friends tell them to go and play but they ignore it and instead we have to watch dance routines and listen to long monologues about Pokémon or Minecraft. I can’t cope with tantrums at all.
We had my niece and nephew for a day out and they were fighting, nothing was good enough and we brought a picnic but they wanted to go to a restaurant, on the way home in the car my nephew started screaming and flailing about because we didn’t buy him a toy for £30, we had already spend a fortune and he would never have played with it. He kept screaming “I ALWAYS get a toy” and grabbing DP whilst he was driving. My DP had only passed his driving test a week before and had to pull over panicking.

After that horrendous day out me and DP had a long talk and realised we weren’t cut out to be parents. Kids are often just being kids and it’s not their fault we are impatient and have low tolerance. We spent the day with friends with toddlers a week later and that absolutely cemented it.

I always admire people who are honest about how difficult it is and have complete respect for anyone who chooses to be a parent. I’m glad I didn’t listen to the people who tried to talk me round though and convince me that once I held a little baby in my arms it’d all be worth it. I’m sure that is true for some people but my closest friends were honest and said we wouldn’t cope and pointed out the likelihood we would have a neurodivergent child.

There have been multiple times where I question if I made the right decision, especially as my friends kids are adults now so it’s been a long time since I’ve been around a toddler flailing and shrieking, I read threads like this and I’m grateful for hearing about the reality not the fairytale version.

I hope it gets better for you OP, I know a lot of my friends who struggled in the early years love having older or adult children now. You are in the midst of the most difficult days but soon your kids will be more independent and you will have time for yourself. It might just be a case of putting a few things on hold for now but you will eventually have more freedom to put yourself first.
It’s not a fairy tale and many many people find it difficult and monotonous, at least you’ll get some supportive honest advice and feedback on here.

One thing that I’ve heard from several friends is that they wish they had put themselves first more. They said it’s important to differentiate between child’s needs and wants, there seems to be a trend of everything revolving around kids and it doesn’t have to be like that, there should be a balance.

I hated the toddler phase. I loved my DC and didn’t regret them but I hated the drudge, boredom and relentlessness of it all. I went to toddler groups and wanted to ask all the smiling doting mothers why they also weren’t going out of their minds, or why they didn’t want to talk about films or the news or food or travel or anything else but their boring children. 😖

It was like being trapped in some weird nightmare for me.

Having said that I did have a hands-on husband. Even though we came to blows on many occasion he did do the night shift and let me sleep in at weekends. He genuinely loved spending time with the DC and I would get time to myself.

I think start there. Just because ‘men don’t step up’ doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect and demand it. It might just loosen off the lid of the pressure cooker and give you back some of ‘you’. They really don’t have an excuse to leave you feeling so adrift and unhappy.

This is a fabulous post

As soon as the baby appears , your life is forever and irrevocably changed, not to be dramatic about it, but it's the truth, there's no going back.
I have one child , who I love with all my heart but I couldn't do it again. Noone ever told me how hard it would be and also how my career would be put on hold, I also can't just go and live where I want as I have to think about schools etc.

I wish society would stop expecting women to have kids and think it's odd if they don't want kids, this is a major , permanent life change, and not always for the better, so I think it's a good thing for women to make informed decisions about it. As I said I love my child very much but there are a lot of downsides to having children.

@Sosadd11 I used to search for posts like yours because I needed to know I wasn’t the only one with those feelings.

It’s no consolation now, but it will get better. I hated the baby toddler years and shudder at the idea of ever having to relive them.

Things are waaay more fun now the kids are older. Hang in there.

Haven't read the whole thread, but you are NOT alone, and it does get better, I promise. At 19 months, they want to do things for themselves, but can barely do anything. Everything can be a battle, and everything can end in tears. On hard days, I divided the time into hours, or half hours, or even ten minute chunks to be filled, and always stuck a DVD on for a bit before bed time. I had two, a couple of years apart, thinking they'd play together, and got two of the same sex. Guess what? They hated each other! I then spent years breaking up fights, although by school age they were both good fun... individually!! It was late primary age/ early secondary before they really started to get along. The teen years haven't been plain sailing, but they're now pretty independent, are interesting to spend time with, and have turned into reasonably nice young adults! Sometimes, we all wonder what on earth we've gone and done, but if I had to pick, I'd say that the under-two stage was the worst for me. You are keeping your toddler fed, safe and entertained. And that is enough right now.

I have 3 children and to be fair in general I love being a parent even of smalls - but honestly this mobile but pre / minimally verbal, emotional wreck, clingy stage which follows from about 12 months latest through to about two and half just sucks terribly a lot of the time. It's just very very difficult and not that rewarding. Especially hard when you are also working and also financially not great either (almost inevitable with young kids).

Take a 4 or 5 year old though - pure magic most of the time, much less effort, you can have the time off as they can stay with grandparents or go to parties, holiday club or even just day to day play quietly by themselves etc. I'd say there's a turning point around when they learn to speak at 2ish and another big turning point as they come up to 4 years old and get a little less tantrumy and demanding. And even 6 is better than 5 because of all the cool stuff they can do and conversations they can have with you etc.

I guess, have you ever been miserable at work on some shitty project you hate, or been strung out completing a course of study / qualification, but it pays off because then you might get the better career / jobs which will affect your life positively for the decades thereafter? That's what this stage of parenting is.

Perhaps there is a biological reason mothers feel like this. We aren't biologically wired for parenting solo or even as a couple, but we are led to believe that we are.

It's a great system for men as they get sex and comfort.

OP, even if you’re positive you don’t have postpartum depression, I’d get evaluated just to rule it out. Sometimes people think you can’t be “actually depressed” if you have a good reason to be feeling horrible, but you definitely can. It would be really unfortunate if there was help available to you, but you never got it because you didn’t realize all the different ways that postpartum depression can look.

Where’s the baby’s father in all this?

@theworldsmad

is she also supposed to kid herself into enjoying changing nappies too??

More women need to talk about this.
I felt the exact same as you OP, I remember I used to squeeze my eyes shut and pray it was all a nightmare and I would wake up and be free.
Every single day was a repeat of the last, my mind was completely gone.
Whenever I hear 'the baby club' song I legit get PTSD from those long mornings stuck in my flat when it was pissing it down outside.

You'll be glad to know this feeling will pass, it's not forever. Yes it may seem like time is passing so slowly it may as well just stop, but you will look back in a few years and think how the fuck did that happen so quickly.

Having kids is just quite shit and that's okay to admit, if only more people would say it.

I could have written that OP.

Mine is 2, I’ll hopefully have 1 more so he has a sibling, but he’s an only for now

I adore him, he’s absolutely my world but omg it’s hard.
I never could have imagined how much life would change

I just pray that one day I find myself again 😂

4 years in and I still feel like this. I love my son but I absolutely hate being a mum. It's basically 99% shit with the occasional good bit thrown in. But mainly shit. I've posted on here myself before under another name as I've really struggled with motherhood. It's not at all what I thought it would be. I've always liked the idea of having 2 children but that was before I knew the reality of 1. Another child would be the end of me. And this is coming from someone who is married to a very hands on father.. not so much help around the house but he is an amazing dad.
I don't really have any advice other than to grab any child free time you can! Work has helped me just about stay sane (sorry I may have missed in your post if you're currently working)

I could have written your post OP. It resonated so much. My DS is 3.5 and we are still very much in the trenches. He's half way through an assessment for autsim, but my god its hard, relentless without any respite. Everything feels difficult, all of the time. I feel like i treat it like a job, do all of the stuff you are supposed to do, but I just don't enjoy it. He's never been a sleeper, will not got to sleep, never has no matter how tired he is. The day is long and he often wakes in the night. His tantrums and melt downs are on another level, i'm often hit, kicked, bitten, having my hair pulled out. He is incredibly fussy with food. Also sensitive to noise, light, smells. It is so tough and yet I love him to bits, and we have an incredible bond. But i mourn my old life. I gave up my dream job and life, and I felt like I got sold a lie about what motherhood would be like, because its just been bloody hard from the beginning.
The only thing that vaguely helps is being able to carve out an hour in the day for myself to exercise, be alone, have head space, go out with friends. I know ill never get back to the old me and i've made my peace with it.