I am not the mother I thought I would be

Having a toddler is very hard and was definitely not the most enjoyable part of parenting for me.

i found becoming a mum a huge shock and felt genuine grief and loss for my old life. I had a very nice mum acquaintance share with me how much she struggled and her honesty really helped me. You are definitely not alone but not many admit it.

Truthfully, you may always find it tough. I have another friend who definitely stil regrets having a DC even though he’s primary age now. But she also really adores him and is a great mum!

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve found the ages 7-11 to be much easier and more enjoyable. I love the conversations we have now and have learned so much from both of them.

I really feel for you OP. I can’t say I have felt as bad as you do, but sometimes motherhood does feel relentless! I have a very supportive partner who more than pulls his weight with the house and childcare which I feel makes a world of difference, and both our families are close. I can imagine if you don’t have one or both of these things life can be very very hard.
DD is 2.5 and very demanding, and still doesn’t sleep through the night. Other than that she brings me a great deal of joy. But I know I do not want or would not be able to cope with another child as I feel like I’m getting more of my independence back now. I must admit I’m always surprised by posters that talk about how awful they find parenthood and how they wish they’d never done it only to find out they have two or three very small children…I can’t understand why anyone would have them so close together? Of course that was going to be horrendously hard.

Few of us are the mothers we thought we would be though.... and lots of the comments suggest the same. You keep evolving and changing though, you might find that you will really engage with your pre teen/teenagers. Dont be so hard on yourself. Men don't generally worry like this, why do we ? Our children are adults for the majority of our time with them so there is plenty of time to develop a great long lasting bond.

In my opinion, you hate it until you don't.

You will wake up one day - fully broken into this new life of service and after that it will all start to feel just a bit better. It's an awful way to think about it - being broken in, like a horse, but I think we all go through it - some just capitulate quicker than others - it took me about 2 years. You will accept this new reality at some point and a different happiness becomes real.

Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing your best - remember that we aren't all ok with living in ground-hog day and it will take time.

🌺

You are explaining a common life with child. Do you spend a lot of time on Instagram? That rubbish can really fuck up your expectations of reality.

Some of us are just not that well suited to the baby/toddler years.

But it just gets better and better from there, and in no time you have these really cool people that you love to hang out with (when they're not off doing their own thing, which they do a lot!)

Hang in there.

Mine is 5. It's a different kind of shit. I miss my old life.

I think different women enjoy different stages more. I’ve had loads of friends hate the toddler bit but love the newborn stage. Some found newborn bit boring and draining but loved parenting their toddlers. Some prefer older children! You’re in the difficult bit right now and it’ll be easier as toddler grows and gets more independent.

If it's any consolation, I found the baby and toddler stage really, really hard. It's so intense and your life revolves around this little whirlwind. I was really glad to go back to work when my maternity leave was over. It was such a relief to think about other things and chat to friends at work etc. Life got so much easier when my DD could talk and tell me what was wrong with her, instead of me trying to guess what the latest crying episode meant. And DD had reflux, so at one stage I felt like I was constantly cleaning up baby puke. There was a bit of a Groundhog Day feel to it all.

The childhood years were great and the teenage years have been pretty easy. Only thing about the teenage years is that they need a lot more emotional support - friendship issues, school issues, work issues etc. But they're so independent - they can shower themselves, feed themselves, cook their own meals, do their own laundry etc. And of course, they have epic lie ins. That little baby is 19 now and she's great company. We go shopping together, watch TV and movies together, go on holidays together etc. We have really deep discussions and make each other laugh in a way I could never have imagined when I was wiping up yet more baby food off her high chair. We have singsongs in the car. I'm not telling you this to make you jealous. Just to let you know that there's light at the end of the tunnel, but you're in the darkest bit of the tunnel and can't see that light yet. You're putting in a lot of work but not reaping the rewards yet.

Is there anyone who could take your toddler for an afternoon (or even better, an overnight), so you could go off and do some shopping or go to the cinema or whatever you fancy? Do you have a husband/partner who will stay home with your DC while you take yourself out for the day? I found that really helped to re-charge my batteries.

I'm not what I thought I would be either, in my head is was all cuddles and bedtime stories, me lovingly cooking a meal as they sat at the kitchen table doing their homework.

The reality...less bedtime stories, more wrestling and charging around like maniacs. Meal times are less lovingly cooked and more cooking any old thing they will eat and we don't have a kitchen table, it's in the lounge which isn't the same.

I definitely don't have the patience I thought I would!

However that was a fantasy based on unknown children. Mine are like the energiser bunny on speed and it's exhausting but they are mine and we muddle through the best we can.

The toddler phase is physically relentless and trying to hold down a decent job as well must be tough but you are doing it and you are getting through each difficult day. You might not be the person you thought you would be but it doesn't matter, you are doing the best you can and that doesn't mean doing it all like Mary Poppins. She never has them forever anyway and she's magic so of course she's amazing.

It gets easier, it gets harder, it gets different but one day they will (hopefully) become functioning adults and you will miss some of these days. Not all of them but you will look back and shake your head and smile and wonder how you ever got through the day when they were being absolute horrors.

You are doing great.

Totally felt the same with my first at that age (who is now 5) and then my second who is literally 19 months now

19 months is gruelling! I thought it would be easier second time round as I’d done it already but my god no it isn’t - I love my little one so much but I’m also exhausted, shattered, never have time to myself

BUT my eldest is so lovely and so so fun and so much easier - it happened since she was about 4ish. She’s now a little girl and we have the best times together and she also sleeps and can do much more for herself. I love that.

so it gets easier soon

Nope I felt and feel the same. My “kids” are 25, 18 and 17. I love them so dearly and they’re self sufficient now but every day there’s something. I 100% would not have kids if I had my time again.

Plus PS: YES it’s all still heaped more on mum than on dad, and I have been /am very angry about that.
cant advise on that front …

It gets better.
you get yourself back - an older, wiser, richer you… with a shit sex life but a very strong sense of self.

Honestly, it does get better , or it can get better.
i found that age very hard. Now at 2 + 1/2, still hard balancing toddler and work, and I’m still tired, but feel like sometimes I begin to see some light at the end of the tunnel (more talking /interaction helps).

take all the help you can get, and if you can afford it, throw some money at it eg couple of hours of extra childcare when you’re off work so you have some time for you

Hmm. I found myself saying that my eldest used up all my patience by the time she turned 2. Her brother wasn't even born till she was nearly 3 ...

To say I was surprised / disappointed by that is to put it mildly - I had worked with children of various ages in a couple of roles and would even say I prided myself on my patience - it was something that actually got remarked on.

Mine are now at university. My life has not been what I thought it would be, but we've been places and experienced things I never dreamt of too. I'm still not as patient with my children as I would like to be.

I still work with children (full disclosure would be that that is the only thing my current career has in common with my previous one). I still get remarks from parents on how patient I am with their children ... and now I can reassure them how different it is when you are working with your own!

I agree it is easy to lose yourself in the grind of parenting toddlers. It does get easier in some ways as they grow older, and slowly over time the rewards outmatch the difficulties.

Thinking of you, best wishes.

Gets easier every year. Sometimes feel the way you describe but a lot less and loads more just enjoying them. Didn’t think I’d say that 3/4/5 years ago.

It does get better - honest

I wasn't suited to having young children at all. I found it soooo boring and I resented not having even a few minutes to have a quiet drink or read the paper. I distinctly remember one saturday morning sitting on the floor loading the washing machine and thinking 'is this my life now?'
My children are adults now and I love them - they are some of my best friends and they enrich my life immensely so I can't regret having them but I have made many compromises throughout my life. I had to work part-time for years as I had no family support so even though my husband and I were both graduates, he went on to earn a good salary and I didn't. Then we got divorced and I discovered all kinds of additional compromises that I didn't even realise I'd made.
Even though my youngest is now almost 30 I still worry about her. She's had mental health issues since she was 17. She's ambivalent about having children and I take every opportunity to persuade her not to. The truth is that you will never have a truly worry free life ever again. It's the cost of having a child - you gain a lot but you also lose a lot. It's unfair and we might think we've moved on but in the end it's still the women carrying the load and making all the compromises 😏

Hello OP.
Sending hugs.
Being a mum is really hard work and when they are tiny you loose so much of yourself.
I have an 18 year old DS and a 16 year old DD1 to my exDH. They light up my life in so many ways. They have had varying needs from me as their mother as children do over the years but they have been my world.
We were done with two and I was happy at that.
Since then have new DP and now have a 21 month DD2 and a 3.5 month DD3.
Holy crap, I didnt realise how well I had it until now, when I don't have "it" and more.
The total lack of freedom again, not being able to get to the hairdresser's or out for a meal. My DD2 was and now DD3 is a delightful little bottle refuser. Yes totally my fault for giving the boob both times.
I'm not a SAHM, and don't intend to be. I don't enjoy pregnancy and I am always glad to get back to work. This is not said to be disrespectful to those that are SAHMs or enjoy pregnancy. Fuck I didn't enjoy it at all i was sick from I found out until I had my babies.
That being said, even though I am back in the trenches now, my older pair are understanding but I feel crap that I can't always give them all the individual time that they need from me. I feel crap that I'm tired and grumpy and all the kids get the brunt of that.
I feel crap that I have to pick a role within my job as a nurse that allows me to work around my kids (thank god, as I'm NHS and this isn't as common as it bloody well should be).
I feel crap that I haven't enough money to do all the things with my family that I would love to do, but I also feel crap that I can't spend some money from time to time on me.
I don't resent my kids one bit, and I wouldn't be without them, but I agree with you OP, that motherhood totally does a number on you and it definitely is a man's world.
This comes from a place where I don't have PND, I'm just pissed off and tired right now lol
I look forward to the future where hopefully it gets easier again, but I'm going to have to take my kids with me when I travel the world, try and further my career a bit more and push my relationship along aswell.
Sending hugs of solidarity and encouragement. Take it a day at a time, step at a time and you'll get there. X

I hear you. I would do anything for my DC, anything. They are my absolute world. But one was more than enough. I haven’t slept in years because my brain decided I don’t need sleep since I got pregnant. My mental and physical health is in the bin and nothing fixes it. Because even when you’re ‘off’ you’re still on. You have to be in case there is a phone call or some such.

Being a parent is fucking hard. Sending you love and peace.

I feel so sorry for young women today . Balancing careers with children is so bloody difficult now. What is not often admitted is that being with young kids can be tedious, boring and lonely . Don't think you are not a good mother. The fact that you have concerns show that you are. All you can do is the best you can with what you got. There is an end to a lot when they become more self sufficient.

I’m sorry you feel like this, it sounds like a tough period of time for you.
To offer a different perspective from many pp, I was fully aware even pre-conception that if I was doing this, if I was choosing to create a human being and thrust them onto planet earth with all the struggle and joy that will entail for them, my DC would always need to come first, and all of my needs would take several back seats until DC were considerably older. Sleep, food, money, career, hobbies, ALL of that.
The challenges of raising a child well take huge resources of selflessness, patience, courage, physical and mental resilience, love and compassion for someone who is utterly vulnerable and dependent on you. It’s a huge privilege and huge responsibility, but it’s also about fixing your mindset. I felt like I properly grew up when I became a mother, dropped my self-pity and grew a newer, tougher spine.
The normalisation of everything being shit and awful and terrible and desperate isn’t massively helpful tbh. Yes it’s hard but so are lots of things. It’s also funny, joyful, meaningful and interesting (if you want it to be).
Try to make your child laugh, cuddle them whenever they’ll let you, write down 3 things you’re thankful for every day, be their PR machine and tell everyone how awesome they are. A decent chunk of life (not all, obviously) is what you make of it. Best of luck.