I am not the mother I thought I would be

I really feel for you OP. I felt exactly the same until mine was around 18 months. I remember posting on here under a different name when my dc was around 1 asking for tips on separation as much I loved my son, I just wanted to escape, be a part time parent so I didn't have to go through the relentless drudge every day.

I was very fortunate as I got (and still do) plenty time to myself, saw friends, supportive partner and family but I still hatrf it. I don't feel that way now and would now consider a 2nd. I can't say exactly what helped, I think it was a mixture of going back to work, counselling, using childcare to get full days to myself and just time that helped me get back to myself. I'd also really recommend Anna Mathur as well. I found her books and Instagram helpful too as well as a book called the Unmumsy mum.

There's so shame feeling how you do. I genuinely believe we aren't meant to bring children up so intensively on our own with such little support so it's no wonder many of us feel the way we do. I had this conversation with close friends who have older children. I assumed that most of them loved parenthood and was surprised to hear that many of them felt how you do and I did. I still have hard days but it isn't as bad as it used to be. Sending much love ❤️

Do you have local like minded friends in the same boat? Not sure I would have got through it with my mental health intact without nearby friends going through the same thing.

Agree with that broken in thing. Fortunately for me after 10 years in a City job that wasn’t really me and was insanely hard work I was actually looking for a change in direction anyway so threw myself into it. It’s harder if you loved your status quo pre baby life.

My first experience of motherhood was clouded heavily by the situation I was in. My boyfriend at the time was amazing, wonderful I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Untill I fell pregnant. He was elated I was pregnant, untill about 6 months in where he told me he wanted me to have an abortion. I obviously said no, and the rest of the pregnancy was full of emotional abuse, stone walling, he screamed at me for refusing to eat dinner at his mums one day, she'd made me 4 jacket potatoes 😂 (I think she took eating for 2 a little far. Obviously I couldn't do it.) but I tried to force myself to stop his anger and o ended up being sick which made him even angrier.

He ended up being physically abusive at the end of my pregnancy and continued on untill my son was 5 months old when I finally had the courage to walk away. It was awful, he threw a leather slipper at my back while I was struggling to build the cot by myself, strangled me on the bed where my son was also sleeping, made me sleep on the sofa with my son because he didn't want his sleep disturbed, wouldn't allow the heating on till he woke up at like 11am (we were up at 5am) downstairs in January in the freezing cold. He was awful.

My second time round was with my current fiancee and it was a far better situation but she was born in May 2020 and I had a horrible traumatic labour and birth and suffered with PPD

My third and final baby is where I've truly felt like I've gotten the real experience, I've loved it, but it dosnt mean it's not hard at times, it totally is.

Are you on your own @Sosadd11 ? Is the dad around or any family members? It sounds like you're doing it all on your own.

I remember hitting a wall of exhaustion/emotion and I was lucky enough that my mum offered a night so DH and I went to a hotel and just slept and watched trashy TV for about 24 hours. It was bliss and I felt ready for another go at parenting after that break.

Not unkind at all, and I’m genuinely sad you feel like this, it must be horrible.
In the moment of a tantrum I stop my train of thought of “ahh here we go/this isn’t fun etc” and I think “here’s a challenge for you FlyingHorses, how can you help DS, what does he need, what is he trying to say? He must feel so unregulated and upset to do this, can you be the calm?” And then I honestly take great satisfaction in getting to his level and super-calmly saying “You clearly feel really upset right now, that must feel horrible, how can we make your body and mind calmer? I’m here when you’re ready for a hug/want to read a book/I’m going to play with this train and when you’re ready to join me you can” etc and 99% of the time it works after 2-3min. I feel like a hero lol, and so proud I’ve honed the ability to be zen when others aren’t. It’s taken lots of practising and doesn’t come 100% naturally but yes I do enjoy having the ability to do that and reap the benefits of a happy kid.

When playing with duplo/pretending to be a pirate etc I practise mindfulness of being in the moment. I go back to childhood in a way, and it’s simple joy of building something, making something, and teaching him new words, skills, seeing his little brain working fascinates me. There are lots of things I can’t do anymore that I used to love, but there’ll be a time I can do them again. DS is genuinely so much better than any book/hobby/experience I can think of and I’ve travelled, lived abroad, had lots of hobbies etc but nothing compares to him. He is this little creature I made and I’m challenged with loving and caring for him no matter what, and being able to do that makes some feel like a superhero. He is the best, funniest little person and our adventures are my favourite way to spend my time.
I truly hope you get there too as it’s a great place to be, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Best wishes.

I’m not a mum (by choice), but most of this thread sounds/feels like I thought how motherhood would have been for me (to be fair, I’m including the parts where it gets objectively better, too). Hopefully you feel less alone, OP, at least.

It’s so refreshing to see the honesty on this thread. The perfect mothers and stepford wives is bullshit.

“I wouldn’t dream of buying a cake for DC birthday, I make it”

”I cook from scratch every day, I make my own wheat, to make my own flour, to make my own bread for my kids”

”I do toddler yoga to help their mental health and help then strive to be better versions of themselves”

”I work full time and I don’t use childcare, I can do everything because I’m so amazing”

It does get easier OP but it is hard at times and the more women acknowledge this the easier it will be for new mums to say actually I’m struggling here and realise they aren’t alone and it’s normal to feel like you’re not your own person anymore

I just wanted to add that when one of my sons was around 3 or 4 I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, he told me he hated me, that ye wished I was dead, he would hit me in public and trash his room. His dad had recently moved out and he took it so hard. At nearly 8, he can still be fiery but he is a million miles away from the little boy he used to be and he is so loving and funny, and can be really mature; these hard awful stages will pass if you can just keep your boundaries and love them even when it’s super difficult.

It gets so much better. I hated it a lot of the time until dd was three, and then it gradually got better. She's now nearly six and an absolute dream. Hang in there, just like the newborn phase doesn't last for ever, this won't either. Children are developing all the time, so they're constantly changing and evolving as little people. It's worth remembering that it never stays exactly the same for long, even if it feels that way when you're in the thick of it.

I hated having small kids. Absolutely hated it, I was miserable, exhausted, stressed. If I could have undone it I would have. I would honestly have gone back and never had them if I could have done so. I loved them but just hated being a parent. But I can honestly say I feel so differently now and I’m a single parent now too. Having kids is my greatest achievement, I love spending time with them, I couldn’t imagine life without them. They are 15, 11 and 7. The teen years are a total joy so far, the older they get the more I like them. They’re just so funny, and cool and interesting. Little children are awful. Only the fact they’re so cute stops you from throwing them in the canal.

This was me! I hated baking, crafts and parks too. Anything that resulted in confrontation with excitable dogs, other people’s pushy shoving kids or mess. Mess was just more soul destroying unnecessary drudge.

My dd once stepped 3 inches off the path in the park (walking through to the town) wearing beautiful new clarks leather shoes and dog shit was all over them and nicely impacted in the pretty embossed pattern at the bottom. I had to haul everyone home, use a cocktail stick to gouge out every speck of the vile smelling guts of some prick’s bloody dog and sterilise them thoroughly. I was so angry and just done in thinking why does everything - even a simple walk in the park - have to be SO hard…

They are young adults now. We are all close and enjoy hanging out together. It’s perfect now. My DH is nostalgic for those young kiddie days but I hated almost every minute.

Oh and I roll my eyes whenever I see those nappy ads with the immaculate mothers cuddling up to their adorable babies.

Oh OP hang on in there. I could have written every word of that during that stage. I HATED having toddlers and was bored, frustrated and angry all of the time.

As you say it’s that something ‘nice’ is always filled entirely with winging and rendered miserable. I hated imaginary play, the stress of trying to do craft or baking with under 3s and in the course of Covid lockdowns developed a visceral hatred of taking toddlers to the park (dog poo! The abduction risk! broken glass! Tears on arrival and on leaving! Determination to touch and attempt to possess dangerous dogs and large unwieldy sticks…)

They are now 5 and 7 and whilst they have their moments and I am still shattered, it’s so so much better. The light at the end of the tunnel is flooding in and it’s warm and lovely. They are interesting and real people and we can do things we all enjoy.

Find whatever you need to make it bearable and hang on in there. You are not alone

Genuine question for you (and other mums who hated the baby years) why did you give up work?!?

I love spending time with my toddler, but I work full time because I love my job too and want to progress. I think most people would go a little stir crazy being with their toddler constantly as a sahp.

If you hate it, why not go back to work after a short mat leave? Why did you decide to give up work?

Go clutch your pearls elsewhere. There’s no shame in admitting a life of 24/7 care duties, while having to play character while doing it, gets very tough at times and requires venting and moral support. I’m guessing your kids are now older so the memory of sleeping for 6 broken hours a night at best, what can feel like endless whining/crying and cleaning endless food smears off your walls has faded a little..?

Maybe not the thread for you then?

Totally agree. I posted above trying to be a bit more positive but the vast majority of the comments are so miserable. I honestly enjoy being a mum and hanging out with my DS!

I honestly can't understand how anyone would enjoy such a tedious, prescriptive life that we have to endure as full-time carers to young children. Don't you want some time to play guitar or go out with friends or work?

I honestly find it baffling that anyone wants to live in the way a mum has to in order for very young children to be fulfilled.

Life is hard especially as a main care giver with little or no support. My youngest is 6 now and since my middle son 9 was born I can’t say I have had a break or a night off from motherhood! But my youngest 6 and eldest 12 I will say the days are long but the years go quick, just try take something possitive out of each day. And enjoy the little things.. a long soak in the bath the child is asleep.. up half an hour before them for a brew, house will wait. Honestly I’ve lived with anxiety for so long even if I’m a cm out of my routine I worry I hate mess it’s just like grounded into you a routine. But keep going they ain’t little for long

I hear you, OP. There is so much pressure to be in loving amazement at the toddler and baby years. Personally I didn't feel it at all, I much prefer them now and even struggle with my 6 year old but hold on to the fact she will be 12/14 like my boys soon and things will be much easier. I am not at all phased by the teenage years which everyone insists are horrid, I find my kids forever grow into people I want to have conversations with and are much easier to feed as they eat normal food rather than having everything dulled down for their tastes.

You are not alone, its just so socially unacceptable not to 'love it'. I have often said to other mum friends that I actually find the idea of enjoying very young motherhood quite a turn off. I feel there must be something missing from a life if it can so easily be filled with repeating colours over again or endlessly drawing the same truck.

They get much better as they get older and have much more interesting problems for you to help them solve. Keep the faith, you're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it. Feed them, clothe them and show them some love = excellent parenting right now.

@Thisismetooaswell

“Realising that they are only here because you chose for them to be?“

so? I don’t get what you mean

@ChiefEverythingOfficer

accurate. And depressing.

is it the same for men?

I honestly cannot believe all these comments. Does no one enjoy raising their children, spending time with them? Realising that they are only here because you chose for them to be?

I remember feeling like you especially after my first…my sense of self was just lost. I had no time for ANYTHING I wanted to do and even if I did manage to get a few hours, it wasn’t relaxing as I knew all the shit would be just waiting for me and my life would still just be an endless round of monotonous tasks when I got back to it.

You’re right that women have had a number done on them…it’s damn near impossible to have it all. Even if you have the world’s happiest baby that sleeps 12 hours a night (and I sure didn’t) something has to give.

I found that lower standards, lower expectations and trying to find something in every day to appreciate helped me at this stage.

It gets so much better. Really. Honestly it does. But it will take a while, so try to find some strategy to cope while you’re at this stage.

You are not alone in this!