I am not the mother I thought I would be

Personal choice but can’t imagine why on earth anyone would want more than two. Why put yourself through year after year of parenting? Makes my blood run cold frankly. Aren’t there other things you would want to be doing with your short life? I guess those with large families must just really love parenting - as my teens would say “can’t relate”.

I’m pregnant with no3, DC are nearly 2 and nearly 4. The plan is to have 4/5 with a 2 year gap between each. My dad is 1 of 6, I’m 1 of 5, so I always knew I wanted to have a big family.

I don’t enjoy pregnancy, the newborn stage is tiring but lovely and fairly easy, I don’t love toddlers but I’m very much looking forward to the teenage yrs (ex secondary school teacher).

I see it as putting in the hard work now in order to have the big family and all the relationships that come with that later. The bigger the family, the bigger the potential support network for everyone.

Yes definitely. But why be a stay at home parent if you don't like it? I don't understand.

I'd have loved to be a sahm but we have a big mortgage. It baffles me why people choose to do it and then say they hate motherhood

PS - I also loved my mat leave, when I was doing it full time

If you work 4 days a week and get ‘loads of time to yourself’ that’s very likely why you find it easier

@MsCactus

hmm I disagree. People are entitled to moan when something is hard and parenting is sooooo hard! I wondered if it was more to do with societal pressures and tropes about how kids needs siblings (they don’t!)

I'll be honest, I have felt exactly as you do, and to some extent still do. However, my DD turned 2 a couple of weeks ago and I'd say, from about 20 months, things got a lot better for me. I'm still not myself and I'm certainly not looking like myself still either, but it's getting better.
Hang in there OP. You'll be okay.

Can I answer this too!

When DD (19 months) tantrums I just laugh at her. Me and DH are fairly easy going - and I think you have to be if you want lots of kids.

We usually end up tickling her or playing/distracting her and she stops pretty sharpish.

I love cuddling her, I love laughing with her, I love spending time with her.

I also don't think I see enough of her to get sick of her, sadly. I work four days a week and spend most of my week wishing I could see her more!

The things she does also reminds me totally of my childhood - playing with my brothers, making up games etc.

I'm not big on toddler games - she loves football for example - whereas I'd rather read. So usually I sit there reading while my DH plays with her, as he loves playing with her.

I still see my friends loads - don't feel like I've missed out on anything from pre baby. I went for a work night out four days after giving birth, actually. It made me feel more me and I never felt like I'd lost myself in motherhood.

I'm going out tonight for drinks with friends while DH watches her. I do the same for him.

She's only added to my life and I want 2/3 more babies. Actually TTC at the moment

I don't understand this either. I want four kids and I've loved having one, can't wait to have more.

Don't understand people who "hate" parenthood but then have like three kids. Maybe they don't actually hate it but just like moaning about how hard their life is

I had five, very close together. I thought it would be easier to get the 'small child' parenting stage over and done with, and all of them close in age made it easier to manage (no trying to find something that would entertain a twelve year old and also keep a two year old busy).
Then my marriage broke up when the eldest was nine and the youngest two. And my life was hell. It hadn't been great before, my XH expected me to do everything with the kids while he worked and 'rested'. I was desperately unhappy for a long while. It got easier once it was just me and the kids - then I had four teenagers simultaneously and life was hell again. Now they are all adult and I am me again, living alone with all the time in the world for myself, and kids who take me on holiday, out for dinner and are just a delight.
But I would not relive their growing up years for anything.

I hated it

If I could go back in time, I would not have done it

Romanticising the idea of siblings must be a big part of it! But I say that as a one and done mother 😂

Because after the first one you start operating on a different level which, if it doesn’t make it ‘easier’, at least makes you feel you know what you’re doing. You also realise there’s fun to be had at the end of the baby/toddler tunnel as they get older, so rationalise that it’ll be worth it for another child/sibling. Plus you’re not going out and having fun anyway so nothing to give up 2nd time round,

I think I was a bit luckier than you OP in that I was glad to see the back of work for a bit and I made some nice friends with babies the same age but I can relate to the shell of self comments. It sucks to become boring, I even remember apologizing when I met up with some childfree friends because I don't have much of a life or anything to talk about.

My advice is to do whatever helps you whether that's working more or working less and don't let anyone pressure you into giving your child a sibling if that's not right for you.

As it’s so incredibly hard why do so many people put themselves through it again? Or a third time? Or even fourth?

why go through such hardship all over again?

why?! Genuinely curious!

I felt like this with small children. It gradually gets easier.

It’s pretty much how I expected it to be pre kids if I’m honest. I suspect having the expectation the first few years would be a real slog was likely a help vs going in expecting to love it. It’s probably also a fair comment from some posters that looking for the best bits helps. I think it also helps to know many people are having the same experience and it’s actually ok you aren’t loving every minutes. It can take the pressure off and stop you feeling like you are doing it wrong and that in turn can make it more enjoyable.

That first sentence nails it.

We know marriages and relationships can be shit , but a lot of people still aspire to be married or with someone. It's the same with having kids.

If you think logically, it makes no real sense to have kids. The expense, the responsibility, the hard work and the giving up of a lot of what has made 'you'.

I think because you can't just 'quit' being a parent ( yes we all know some shit parents, but you know what I mean) like you can stop being a wife or partner, the negatives aren't talked about enough.

I have only one due to the fact that I couldn't face going back to the beginning and starting all over again without the 'wonder' , and that I barely had enough energy to cope with the one I had.

I have also seen second children ignored, as if their only function is to be 'the sibling,. A close friend confided that they have been nowhere near as engaged with their second child's nursery, school life and hobbies as the first because..Well, meh, ..seen it all before.

So no, OP, you are not alone. Not even close to being!.

I think a lot of it depends on your expectations going into it. I was convinced it would be all miserable hard slog (I had much younger siblings, so I'd seen it first hand!) and did it out of pure love for my dh.

So the overwhelming love I felt for the little critters, the moments of pure happiness when your baby does something totally ordinary took me completely by surprise, and despite the fact that I am not well suited to having someone completely dependent on me, I would actually say that I did enjoy their childhoods. I have pictures of them at all ages as my computer backgrounds, and I love looking back on them as tinies. I remember all the good times now.

Doesn't stop the fact that every single year has been better than the one that went before, and I look at my teenage dc and think 'wow, they're cool', and don't in any way wish they were back to being younger. And that I can still remember the boring, grindy bits. But they don't dominate my memories at all.

I just wanted to Thankyou for your bravery and honesty in sharing your thoughts here OP. It's not easy.

I don't know if this was your intention but the responses to your post have helped me so much.

I am a single Mum to two year old twins (ex-DH walked out on us when they were very young) and feel like I'm in the trenches of tantrums, constantly cleaning and just feeling like my brain is going to burst. Like many others have said, returning to work helped hugely, though I do often feel guilt that I'm doing half a job at everything rather than doing any part of my life really well!

Holding out to the ages where the joy outweighs the other stuff!

It's really hard, especially when they are toddlers and you can't reason with them. My two are 4 and 8 and it is much easier. I'm slowly getting my life back. 😂 They are playing together and are able to grab their own snacks, help tidy up, dress themselves etc. Game changer. They obviously need supervised but I can grab a shower or do a bit of cleaning while they entertain themselves/eachother. I can even have a couple of drinks with friends while we have a play date on a Saturday as their kids are the same age. Hang in there, it will get easier!

Hated the baby stage! So boring, so dull, so unrelenting and grinding. Now she's four and life is so much easier. I'd do it all again for her but we're sticking at one. The problem is there is so much help and focus on pregnancy and once you have the child there is nothing, you're just expected to get on with it.

I think what helped (still helps) me is thinking of it in terms of life phases.

Everyone is different of course, but for me I think of it like this -

Me and DH had our carefree time before kids.

We then chose to have a child, knowing that phase would end for a good while. We're through the baby phase where everything is naps, feeds, nappies, repeat - made worth it by all the first, even though it was hard.

We're now in the pre school phase - everything is learning. So many big changes. So many emotions (parents and children!)

We're trying to make the most of it because I know before we know it he won't want to spend afternoons doing Duplo or nights reading the same stories over and over but all together.

We do try to make time for ourselves but on the stretches when it's just not possible it helps to remember this is the phase we're in and we'll be out of it before I've properly realised it.

It really is mad how fast it happens too. You mentioned tantrums and yeah they're really hard but they're just normal parts of it and they don't last forever. My son is 4 and while he pushes boundaries and has his strops still, I'm amazed lately how reasonable he can be. Things that would have caused a tantrum a couple of months ago now are often met with "oh ok" and that's it.

@Screamingabdabz

ah my blood boils for you. Inconsiderate, selfish dog owners! Dog shit it everywhere! So bad but especially bad for families with little kids who likely won’t look where they’re walking in the same way adults do.

Reading my post back - you are right! What was intended to be encouraging ended up being bleak.

In answer to your question, no I don't think men face this problem equally - unless they are sole carers or in a single sex relationship.

The mental load is typically carried by mums. Always knowing without having to be asked and always being on high alert (we call it mum ears) contributes significantly to feelings of complete inundation.

It's a process that we all go through. Some people up thread seem to sail into motherhood - the vast majority of us have an adjustment period. Doesn't mean we love our children any less just we are less adept at coping with the ferocity of having a baby/toddler.

I completely understand how you feel. My only advice is that motherhood is not just about love; it's about responsibility. You've been given a lifetime task.

It's hard. However, if you're wise enough, I'm sure you will find not only joy but also a better self in your journey with your little one. I think that's the true essence of motherhood.