I am not the mother I thought I would be

Reflects how many people have felt, I promise

I felt exactly the same as you, OP. I often told my husband I felt like a shell of my former self. Parenting just took so much from me I found it impossible to still be good at my job, still be a good wife, daughter, sister, friend. I found it so depressing, stressful and soul-destroying, despite loving my son more than anyone else.

I'm only a year on from you now, OP, and it's already SO much better. Him being able to talk is a game changer for me and I can see it just getting better and better the more I can do with him.

Hold on in there, you are not alone.

Honestly I think the motherhood myth is so real and another way to control women.

The way I've approached it is by having mine fairly close together and telling myself it's just one stage in my life. I knew if DC2 hadn't have come soon enough and my life had improved too much I'd have sacked the idea of having another baby right off.

I read that most parents have one more child than they can handle... so if you have one and think "this is hard but Ive got the hang of it" you have another and so on until you hit your limit 😂 if you find one impossible you probs won't have more. I had pnd with my first which was rough but by the time we conceived his sister (when he was 19 months) I was finding it breezy. Husband had the snip almost immediately after second was born, bloody hell the first few years of 2 were rough for us. I genuinely could not have imagined anything worse than having another child (nor could he). I adore my kids but it ain't easy x

Personally I think you are at the very worst age with a 19 month old. 12-24 months I think is the hardest part because they run around completely wildly, literally no sense of personal safety, very little language, horribly messy eaters, disgusting pooey nappies. Just small balls of chaos. I know people go on about the terrible twos but once they start talking and you can walk with them to some extent or they can go on their balance bike, I found it a lot easier.

I love my child and have thought about having another. Mainly so he's not alone but we're on holiday at the moment and I'm not getting a minutes peace so must so I cannot do this again.

Everything you've said resonates with me OP. I say that as the mother of 2 fabulous adults. I promise it does get better, but I do remember myself and DH sitting in bed one night at around 4am and he said to me, if you had to do it again, would you? And I said probably not. But that was exhaustion and frustration at not really knowing what we were doing.

I often hear people saying they love babies, but I confess I prefer kids from about 3 yoa. When they can explain what's wrong with them! And I loved their teenage years, I think I was lucky with mine though.

There's a saying, "this too shall pass", which I often used to remind myself.

Women are really disadvantaged by having babies. Our bodies change, our career prospects often take a nosedive, our lives are upended in a way that no man's ever is.

The grind is real, it’s lots of work and a drain on your very soul sometimes (much of the time). It does get better as they get older and they need you a little bit less.

Kids are very different as well, they have their own personalities, they are not blank slates, some kids are definitely more of a handful and impervious to parenting techniques than others.

I had hoped I would be a more loving and patient mum but I’m afraid I’m not. I feel like I have so much to do tbh. However still lots of hugs and love etc but patient earth mother I am not.

Also small children are insanely boring, if it were exciting more men would have been racing to share parental leave.

I went back to work after 6 months (we lived outside the UK) did a year back at work and then left to be a SAHM for a couple of years.

DH and I worked 50+ hour weeks and he traveled a lot, often overnight so that constant juggle with inevitable kid sickness from nursery, unforgiving bosses, long hours in nursery plus a long commute for us both and no local support network made it really really hard. Wfh and / or part time wasn't really a thing then, and the jobs we had meant we were tied to a specific area

DH and I kicked around different scenarios and decided on this jointly. It was financially motivated, and as the lower earner it made sense for me to stop work.

We've actually swung the other way now, and DH took sabbatical, never went back and trained as a TA and it's now me who does the long hours and travel

Thanks! I was wondering what I said?!

A strangely angry response to my comment?!

I don’t @TheYearOfSmallThings was trying to invalidate or mock anything. She was just illustrating that not all techniques work for all children. You were honest with your approach and she’s been honest with hers.

Yeah tbf I’ve been really lucky as DS has slept 12hrs straight through since he was (painlessly) born. I also didn’t need to potty train him as he never really needed nappies, just took himself to the toilet when he started walking at 3 weeks old. I didn’t need to have a routine either, just have literally done whatever I want and he’s gone with the flow, even taught himself makaton which was a shock. Out of nowhere, he started speaking fluently at 4 months old, and he’s never once cried apart from briefly when he was born. Been an absolute piece of cake 🙄

Honestly I’ve been nothing but supportive of the OP. I think it’s extraordinary how women do this to each other. Someone seems to be doing ok so let’s diminish that in some way, invalidate it, mock it. I have said nothing snide about anyone’s parenting at all, and yet here I am having successes belittled (which as a woman with dwarfism is something I’ve dealt with a lot in my life, pun intended). The OP literally tagged me asking me questions which I answered kindly and without snark or judgment.

Enjoy your children, and your day.

Nailed it!

My child isn't even ND but he wouldn't have taken in a single word of that lovely calm little speech. It wouldn't have been audible anyway over the noise he would be making.

I have support from my DH - but he works full-time, long hours, and we have no family around (parents abroad etc).

So no I am not a single parent, but I wouldn't say we have loads (or any) family support outside of me and DH

I honestly take great satisfaction in getting to his level and super-calmly saying “You clearly feel really upset right now, that must feel horrible, how can we make your body and mind calmer? I’m here when you’re ready for a hug/want to read a book/I’m going to play with this train and when you’re ready to join me you can” etc and 99% of the time it works after 2-3min

I'm sorry, but as a Mum of two ND children I couldn't help but chuckle at this.

If my children were so easy that this was all it took to to regulate their emotions then I'd probably be loving every minute of Motherhood too!!

You sound like a great Mum and I'm not trying to rain on anyones parade, but I think it's important to remember we're not all in the same boat.

For me personally, my first DC started asking for a sibling and I was already getting worn down by friends and relatives continually asking when I was going to have another, how I'd regret it if I didn't as I wasn't getting any younger etc. I also knew DH very much wanted a second. He never pressured me at all, in fact he tried to pretend he wasn't that bothered but I knew different. As many pp have said, it does get easier so when my first was 3.5 years old I finally felt like I was coping and I suppose my hormones tricked me into looking back on the baby and toddler years with rose tinted glasses so I decided to go ahead and have another. I definitely wouldn't have more than two though.

I often feel this way, it is relentless sometimes and I have 2 DS, a good and helpful husband, a career and friends but „time off/out“ just makes me feel guilty. My perspective changed a bit now they are 4 &7, it seems easier. I hate when people tell me the little years pass so fast and I’ll regret it in the future, this does not stop it being difficult in the moment.

Lovely that you had a happy ending after all those years of hard work and single parenthood to 5!

Spot on and you have lots of support. Huge difference

You are not alone. Don't beat yourself up. Take care

And this is why I'm determined to be a hands on grandma. We raised ours without family help and it was so hard. I don't want my kids to go through it alone and I can have great fun and long breaks in between helping out too.

I agree with some of what you say, but I think some children are easier than others in that they are more chilled out, laid back, more placid, easier to distract etc…. I’m not suggesting you’re parenting skills aren’t great because you sound fab, however I do think it’s not as cut and dry to think that all children will react exactly the same way with the same parenting techniques and achieve exactly the same results.

I think it’s a mix of nature vs nurture and some children will be easier from day dot regardless. If someone has a high needs toddler it’s understandable that they would find it more challenging.