My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

If it was me (and a very similar thing happened although not a husband or kids involved) I would tell him that you deserve this amazing holiday and he needs to do his damnedest to make sure you have a brilliant time. His betrayel now means he owes you big time and he needs to put every effort into looking after you and the kids and making sure the holiday is exactly how you want it.
Say you'll discuss it when you get back, then ask him to move out somewhere whilst you gather your thoughts on the whole situation.

Then if you want - he's gone at least.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. You sound like a lovely mum and I admire how you’re managing this while trying to keep things normal for the kids.

You do have options (leaving him
or couples therapy being just two suggestions) but you don’t have to do anything at all right now. I’m so sorry you don’t have your mum to talk to - what would she say? Who would she tell you to call for support?

Hold your head high - you’re a good woman and he’s been an absolute arsehole. X

You definitely need to keep a watchful eye on your husband if you choose to stay with him. And you have to consider if that is also what you want.

I have been on both sides - I have cheated, and been cheated on. And no, I am not proud of having cheated on my ex husband (although it was a DV relationship and I was very mentally unstable).

From a cheater's perspective: it started with flirty messages, more interaction with work colleagues etc. I soon got a chance to start something at a work event. And it went from there. And then from there, it went to meeting others online for affairs. I also didnt think I would go "all the way" as I thought of myself as a kind person.

A couple of years later, I was cheated on by another partner. I found out through texts I had seen etc, just flirty messages with other women etc. He denied and denied everything and my mental health declined rapidly and I thought I was going crazy. Even when we broke up, he said nothing happened. I found out he cheated months later and it suddenly all made sense. But that whole time was incredibly confusing, upsetting and heart wrenching. Would I have stayed with him if he admitted it? Probably. But after time has passed, I am now grateful that I didnt have that opportunity because my mental health has now improved ten fold and I healed myself a lot through therapy.

Its a decision only you can make and I would only feel confident in staying if you know you aren't going to be mentally tortured by it in the future.

Are you sure they’re not sensing the vibe?

Hang on @PleaseVipersHelpMe take a breath. @Aquamarine1029 doesn’t know anymore than I do what his intentions were or why he hasn’t shagged her?
I have NC for this because Mn is brutal but I caught my dick of a husband doing similar with a friend of mine a few years ago.
I am far more tech savvy than he will ever be, so I was able to recover all the messages. Whilst what he did was ABSOLUTELY betrayal of me and our relationship, those messages showed very clearly that he loved the chase and the ego boost, but when she offered it on a plate and tried to “seal the deal” he wouldn’t go there. And she was pissed about it. She sent nude pics, desperate texts ,the works. But he never actually touched her. I know this, not because he told me (people in this situation ALWAYS lie) because she is so cross about it in her messages. Which she, as my friend, thought I would never see.
So, op, don’t assume his intent. None of us know, but you know him best. I am SO not one of those people who say that what my husband did improved our relationship. It fucking didn’t and he was and is a weak, pathetic arsehole to have ever engaged in that. I’m am still undecided about whether to stay or go but he has spent literally years showing me, with actions, not words, that he will never hurt me again. Something to think about.

Do your very best to enjoy your holiday with your children first and foremost. Take some time for yourself, relax, think things through. Start making plans for whatever you decide going forwards.

You don't need to be embarassed, reach out to your friends and family and get as much support as you need.

As for telling your children, why would you want to protect him and his image? why does he deserve that? They are not little kids they are young adults and I am sure they would find out eventually anyway or at least be suspicious of anything else you came up with.

Remember - HE has done this all on his own, not just to you, to all of you. He made his choice, you had no say in the matter. Once you have decided what you are going to do, I would tell them the truth.

My youngest was 7 at the time, the elder 2 were 15 and 17, there is a lot of water under the bridge now and I was able to sit next to him at my daughter's wedding a couple of years ago but the intervening years were tough, I won't deny it.

He left that night and never came back and bizarrely never got with her either. It felt such a waste but there was no going back. He'd always had a thing for her but I just never thought he'd act on it, that was a line crossed.

I phoned the other woman, whose husband was a lifelong friend of mine from school days and told him. Initially he didn't believe me but he confronted her at work and she broke down and admitted it.

The kids adjusted in time, he was not much more than an adequate father tbh, but once we split he did very little with them in the subsequent years and now we have grandchildren he doesn't bother hardly at all.

The affair was reslly the catalyst. He was and always will be a selfish prick and despite the hardship I've never regretted divorcing him. Things are so much better now and I'm blissfully happy with my DP.

Whatever you choose trust your gut Instinct, it is rarely wrong.

A betrayal is a betrayal. There aren't really degrees. He's thinking of another woman, wanting to be with her, telling her so and trying to hide the evidence. Guilty as hell and he knows it.

Get smart , get though the holiday
when home get your finances in order
without him knowing
sorry Op I smell a rat , been there wish I’d got my ducks in a row before he knew
you deserve better
keep your head on and mouth stuff till you check
bank account etc etc
good luck

How did he explain it?

What are you going to do @PleaseVipersHelpMe ?

Is it over? I know that you want more evidence, you want to know everything but you may never know all of it. You will always wonder if anything else has happened.

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Has she replied in a similar way? Or is he a sex pest trying to get into her knickers.

Can we ignore the troll so OPs thread doesn’t get derailed?

OP you are clearly very distressed by what you have found and feel betrayed. I would too, but tbh that’s irrelevant.

What matters here is your feelings. If you can’t get over this, you don’t have to. It looks like the trust in your relationship has been smashed by him and his pathetic need for ego strokes, and possibly more.

How much longer are you away? Can you grit your teeth and get through it? I appreciate it must be hell with the kids, but you probably should have thought of that and confronted him at home.

Can’t be undone now, so my advice is to stay quiet, and get things lined up when you get home. You could make an appointment with a solicitor whilst you’re away, for when you return, which may help you feel more in control.

As someone who's been through this, don't bother trying to prove it. Follow your gut instinct, because it won't be wrong.

My stbxh was adamant for the last 2 plus years that nothing was going on with this woman. Months and months of trying to make our marriage work (read me trying, him not) and then we separated. I got a big speech from him about how he wanted me to be happy and meet someone else, he couldn't see himself with anyone else, he needed time on his own to find himself 😂And a week later he's telling me that he's seeing someone that I "know of".... hardly rocket science, obviously it's her.

So please don't play the pick me game, don't go for dinner, just let him go!

Utter cunt. I wouldn’t be going for dinner with him tonight or any other night. He could piss off

@SwannWay clearly shows how SOME men think this shit is alright. OP, that is the response you do not want from your DH. Obviously. And it’s such horseshit anyway! Honestly OP would your DH be ok with you secretly messaging some bloke, telling him you missed him and wanted him in your life? Picking up a man you’ve told you fancy and going for a secret drive? Deleting messages and keeping secrets. Would he fuck. Don’t fall for the “it’s nothing” shite.