My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

@SandyY2K OP i agree with what this poster and others say he is in denial about the type of man he is. If you want to save the marriage/if it's been good up until now i think yes he should sign up to this: "There is a wayward spouse thread on Surviving Infidelity and he could do with reading it and joining up to ask other WSs for advice. They will not judge him. Even the betrayed spouses cannot be harsh on S.I. or they will be banned from posting in the wayward area. It's a very supportive site for both WS and BS."

He will get a news letter everyday if he signs up i know someone who still gets the email from Linda & Doug ever-day when i asked why they still get it 7 years later they said it reminds them everyday of the man they want to be for their wife. Would you be up for showing him this post too?

In my experience (some of it spent working with men who are having mid-life crises and caused complete chaos as a result) it is very typical that they are in denial about the severity of what they have done. Facing up to the fact that they are the cliche - the type of man they would have joked about in the past - is very difficult. Justifying their behaviour is typical as a defence mechanism - if their behaviour is justified then maybe they aren’t that cliche afterall.

Mid-life crises are very real and devastating. Society jokes about it but it’s not a laughing matter. Find a counsellor when you return from your holidays for you to talk with, not him. Having someone you can offload to is incredibly helpful and will offer you a sounding board. Looking after yourself is priority.

💐 for you.

I admire how well your articulated your feelings.

What he needs to do, is find out for himself what he should be doing to show you that he loves you and is truly remorseful.

There is a wayward spouse thread on Surviving Infidelity and he could do with reading it and joining up to ask other WSs for advice. They will not judge him. Even the betrayed spouses cannot be harsh on S.I. or they will be banned from posting in the wayward area. It's a very supportive site for both WS and BS.

The bit about him not wanting to talk about it, is quite frankly human nature. Anyone would prefer not to have their bad behaviour talked about so much.

He could also benefit from reading his betrayed spouses feel, because I'm not sure he really truly gets it from what you've said.

Sometimes it takes time for WS to fully understand what they've done and the impact of their spouse. That's where therapy will help you both.

I'm going to DM you.

Sorry that ended up being a very unhelpful post on your support thread, feeling sorry for myself! Some days I feel more empowered about it and think, he's not screwing up me and the kids lives with his nonsense! But time will tell.

I told my friends for moral support and I absolutely haven't regretted it. I didn't tell my mum or his family because I don't know what I want to do yet and I don't want them all hating him/raking over it.

Counselling is definitely good if you're contemplating giving him a chance. Mine had a really damaging childhood and I'm not actually sure he knows how to love anyone, not really. But whether I can deal with that, who knows.

I'm so sorry this has ruined your amazing holiday. I hope you can still enjoy it in some ways. I had all his family staying for the weekend a few days after I found out so I couldn't (decided not to) kick him out til that was all over, it's so strange being in limbo almost, putting on a straight face and living a double life.

I've seen many wise mumsnetters have advised you not to rush, I think that's true. What they did won't change, and if you want to try for however long it takes and then still leave him, that's your prerogative.

I found out about my particular dickhead in January. It was incredible how much it hit me physically. I was ill for about five months. Just last week he was cagey about me having his phone (I don't even check in that way as I think I'm too traumatised to face it, and I absolutely refuse to live that way because of his choices) and 24 hours later I'm sick again. Shock and grief hit you like a freight train.

I am currently still in the relationship. He promised anything and everything, the first month or two were like my dream relationship (aside from the obvious) but of course it tailed off. We are in counselling and it is helpful but I also know I massively have my head in the sand because I cannot face the upheaval of it all.

I love him, faults and all, but is that enough? I don't know. I'm so vulnerable to him doing it again. Why wouldn't he? He can't change his fundamental self. That's my H though, yours might just have made a stupid set of mistakes. Maybe it wouldn't have got as far as the physical, but how could you know? It's just so hard. I sometimes think I'll drift along like this, carrying the weight and pain of not being enough, until something forces me to change it. You sound a lot stronger than me OP!

This is what I think too. He was looking for you to slip up in order to justify his infidelity, framing a narrative that you betrayed him first by putting money in a separate account. What a joke, and shows too that even when planning an affair, he needed to see himself in a good light.

I never post but this post is something else. It shows how great the internet can be when it provides such support from so many inspirational and wise women to an equally inspirational and wise woman. An absolute queen.

I am so sorry about what you are going through @PleaseVipersHelpMe but it feels like it is the end of a cycle and the start of a new one. A good one. Your DH has shown you who he is and you are now going to be showing him who you are. What your boundaries are and your values. You clearly value integrity and fidelity and haven't deserved how you have been treated.

I particularly admire your desire to ensure that the OW is treated fairly. Whether she remains or departs, won't make a difference. Your DH will either be so terrified of her and making a wrong move that it will be awkward and uncomfortable or he won't. Whatever he does is whatever he does.

You are taking your power back (as all Queens do) and are nicely in control.

For me he doesn't sound like he is going to be good enough for you to stay in a relationship with him. I think doing the counselling is so important as it will at the very least help you debrief and make an informed considered choice that you can clearly articulate in years to come.

I'm sorry this happened on holiday but it is often when such things do as there is a bit of calm and stuff that needs to come out, emerges.

I wish you so many good things and much love. You are going to be just fine. We can all see that.

I think you are very brave OP and I wish you all the best. Can I just ask (and ignore me if you don’t want to answer) about the “other” messages he sent her that you haven’t processed yet, that hurt you particularly badly and you are not ready to share here. Is it because you’re worried that what’s in them would change the tone of advice you’re receiving here and you’d be ashamed to potentially stay with him afterwards? You don’t need to reveal them, I’m just asking as I’m conscious there is more and perhaps you’re receiving lots of (good) advice based on an incomplete picture.
I know there are some women who choose not to disclose their husband’s affairs to friends and family due to fear of being judged and I wonder whether this is a similar scenario.
Sending you virtual hugs.

OP first of all I would like to give a huge virtual hug and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It must be so difficult to be drip fed information and facts. People are so good at this hoping that we won’t discover the full truth. Your husband won’t want your children to know how much he has let you all down and how absolutely awful and selfish he is. To diminish himself in your eyes is different to his beloved children, especially his daughter, as you have said he is her hero. Which is why they try to blame the innocent party.

My exh did this but he had a full blown affair over 2 years. I left immediately and started again. My oldest daughter has never forgiven her father. They do not speak anymore, her choice as an adult. I never bad mouthed him, my children were told by my mother about what happened between he and I. I wish I had told them the truth as previous poster mentioned I looked like a liar to my children, trying to protect them from the hurt. As for the OW she deserves your anger, your dislike and even name calling.
My OW also knew about me and my children, she didn’t care either. So selfish and nasty.

I just want to say I admire your strength immensely. You’re away on a dream holiday and your world must be a place you never thought you would ever be. I would never tell anyone to leave unless there is abuse. The choice is yours even if you leave months or years. Only you know if your husband changes and if you can forgive.

Don't think your life is over either, do not stay for your children. I was alone for a few years after my divorce. I am now happily married to my wonderful husband. There is always hope in the hate and anger.

Hi OP did your husband have a look at "surviving infidelity " website. He should sign in as the betrayer. You say you "think" he knows you will leave him- i think you need to make clear you will definitely leave if he does not start a recovery program (not just counselling that's minimal effort on his part) I agree with previous post that you should not start counselling straight away they try to look at "what's wrong in the marriage " you know that already - your husband took you for granted probably didn't want to leave the marriage but thought he was entitled to have a bit on the side. He needs to look at "why" he thought it was ok to behave the way he did, why he didn't know it was wrong, why he wanted to shag someone else, why knowing it would hurt you he didn't care, why he wanted to risk his whole family life for someone he didn't fancy. He needs to start taking responsibility and should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness and not to leave him. i get he doesn't get the seriousness of an emotional affair but he has to start educating himself or it will happen again - what a twat. Btw you ate doing fantastic what a brave woman you are (certainly not the scrubber type he tried to cheat with)

@PleaseVipersHelpMe I would also heed the general advice about not making significant life decisions within a year or two after a major bereavement.

Just saying that whatever you do now & medium term, it may be wise to be cautious about making hard & final decisions. Not throw the baby out with the bath water.

Take your time, make your terms.

Hang on one sec. So because you didn't put your inheritance into the joint account, it was a trigger for him to initiate inappropriate behaviour with another woman? I wonder what it is he will say you have done next in order to justify his inappropriate behaviour?

I think that if he has to face up to what he’s done then he really is that sad old cliche that has hurt his wife with his mid-life crisis. I don’t think he is ready to accept that he is that man

I think you have hit the nail on its very simple head with this statement. Isn't it mindblowing that he would risk his marriage and daughters stability, expectations of their own relationships in future and general wellbeing because of stupid ego? The same ego that got him into this mess.
I think waiting for the couples counseling is very sensible and never mind you doing it independently, it's him who needs it! As you say, how can he assure you it won't happen again if he doesn't understand the gravity of what he's done? Or refuses to admit to himself what he's done.
I'm rambling but really I just want to say, no matter how difficult this period is or what you decide to do, you will be fine. Your dd's will be fine because of you. You are amazing, do not let his weakness make you forget that. I hope he realises what he stands to lose and let's go of some of the pride that's holding him back.

Not sure if I am going against the grain here, and will probably be blasted now, but I think you should consider counselling - together and both of you alone before doing anything irreversible. I say this because, despite what others say, your children ARE at very vulnerable times in their lives and if this is ‘no more’ than a fantasy in your DH’s head (none of the texts talk about being in love, I think, from what you’ve said, so I’m not getting the sense of clandestine meetings and steamy clinches in the stockroom, just him sending flowery texts?).

I think, if it genuinely seems as though no contact was made, there is a chance that this was not really about ‘her’ and actually she may not really mean anything to him. If he is having a midlife crisis, if the balance of the marriage has been off because you’ve both been concentrating on work/mortgage the kids’s exams/university, he may have genuinely have felt displaced, or have self esteem issues etc that are at the root of all this. I am not saying that he isn’t a selfish and immature dick, or that what he has done isn’t totally fucked up, BUT if there has been no intimacy - and perhaps she has just been opportunist in milking his attention for that car, for career progression etc - then MAYBE some intensive therapy and a review of what your marriage means to each of you is worth considering before throwing a grenade into your 15yo’s GCSEs or your older DCs first year at university.

I think I’d just caution against a knee jerk response before you’ve both had a chance to talk to a therapist or, even, real life friends who really know you both and have a little more insight than strangers here (however supportive) into where your lives are at and what your marriage is like because they now you both. Some couples do some back from an almost-affair and can even have a stronger marriage for it. Not saying you won’t get to separation and divorce eventually anyway, but taking the gradual, measured path to that would be better for your mental health, a less acrimonious divorce settlement, and eae the children in gently to the new order.

Just my two pence worth.