My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

5 minutes after you have found out, he is already telling you he cannot live with you not sucking up his lies and bullshit and moving on from his little blip🙄.

THIS is the real him revealed. Really shocking to find out after a long marriage, but it is what it is.

Take this as a very strong indicator of what a prick he may be when a financial agreement is being agreed upon.

You are going to really see him clearly I would think, and realise you never knew him.

You need to stop thinking about protecting him and his relationship with your children.

Your responsibility is to yourself and them and that he has chosen to cheat on you and the family.

Get very quietly organised and consider a forensic accountant as a business is involved.
Don't allow him to fxxk you over financially.

Keep posting OP, we are here for you.

“He is currently saying that he will not give me access to his phone or anything as I will never get over it and he can’t live like this. “

Just massively Wow OP did you realise he was so controlling he is not sorry at all or he would be doing everything in his power to assure your recovery. How dare he tell you that he will be in charge of how your recovery will be managed (by him) i think he is pulling the wool over your eyes now and just wants to sweep it under the carpet and because he says so you must agree! Can’t believe your not even getting the number one basic of restoring trust ie access to all his devices what a despicable control freak he’s turned out to be. Be careful now OP he can go any way. He will try and blame you now saying he didn’t have an emotional affair, your crazy, your breaking up the marriage because of your jealousy. I now agree with other get the best lawyer you can afford and take copies off every legal document you can as well as copies of his text that other woman (as he will now deny to everyone and blame you).

Does he truly not realise you will leave him over this ??? Have you told him this ??? Just a thought maybe he wants you to leave him he has OW as a back up therefore protect yourselves and your children as the gold digger OW will get everything that was yours (tbh I’d let her have as have him hes not emotionally mature enough for you and is destroying your MH).

My husband had an emotional affair. It's been 18 months, we are still together. Some days it's OK someday it's not. Sometimes I feel like an actor in my own life.
It's happened and that can't be changed. Her husband dosent know and hopefully he will find the proof I have made accessible if he goes looking.

I have hidden a recorder in his car that I download every month or so.
I know how pathetic this looks, there is no one to talk to they would say leave but this is my life.
There is positive he has finally understood the meaning of partner and I do 50% and no more. I have lost weight and in many ways I am stronger, better and more confident. I can walk away but I don't want to loose the good bits and start again.

I am so disappointed to read this. I too hoped that it was a vain shallow ego massaging blip, and that it might not be the end of you.

From your update and his refusal to be honest, I think he has now been playing you all along, for time.
He is a liar.
His lies could simply be that he wishes to control your relationship and it will only finish on his terms.

What I find insulting when I read threads like this is how stupid liars like him are.
They really think they have covered all angles and arguments but they simply aren't that bright.

They don't realise that their lies and fabricated narrative is often so easy to pull apart.
I can 100% believe that lies more than cheating would finish a marriage.

Being treated like a fool when lied to repeatedly is not something most people forget or recover from.

You gave him/it a chance, HE blew it.
Getting good legal representation is the most important thing now, a real rottweiler who will get you the best deal as you leave this lying twat behind.

I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry OP. It's the lying, and it will drive you mad wondering why he cannot seem to understand that it's the lying. You have told him it's the lying, and then he lies and is shocked that it's a big deal because he didn't think that thing was important/it was an old message/he doesn't remember doing that on and on blah blah blah. If it isn't getting through to him at this time, then it's hard to see that part changing. Which is infuriating because on one hand it's such a stupid blockhead hill for him to die on when he's doing everything else right, but still relationship ending because you don't know when and what you can trust him on.

Sorry to say, the trust is gone. OP needs to look after her own sanity.
Once you have to keep checking his phone repeatedly, the relationship is too broken. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be transparent but his behaviour is messing OP about too much. I wish they could fix their long marriage, but the latest update is showing how much OP is suffering and I'm not sure trying to set her DH on the path of truth will work

So he’s back to blocking access. He is punishing you, disrespecting your agency, and showing once again that he has no true remorse.

Any reputable relationship counselor would strongly advise the cheater to:
+Cut contact with OW/OM
+Provide full transparency of all messages and open access to all devices and statements
+Be willing to patiently discuss the affair and listen whenever the betrayed partner needs to cry and vent
+Engage in IC

It is despicable that he is still marginalizing you via his agenda to protect their relationship, interactions and secrets.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe, it appears that his ‘turning point’ which you described above — his tears, devastation, apology, contrition, and grand gesture of the trip — were hollow dramatics. Although well aware that you require and expect his complete honesty and full transparency, as soon as you arrived home he proceeded to delete and repeatedly lie.

As I stated earlier, his self-serving, egocentric qualities are still present. This latest stunt shows that he is determined to control your narrative and obstruct your access to the truth. As the injured spouse, you get to decide what you need to be able to process this trauma. You had every right to see those messages, but despite all his pretty words, he felt entitled to sabotage you.

I am really sorry, @PleaseVipersHelpMe.

Check his archived messages on whatsapp

OP take a breath, your justifiably angry. He is a moron but if you genuinely feel he has not been messaging her - i think you need to know why he's deleted them. I'd imagine he's either guilty of saying something he know he shouldn't have/ashamed and embarrassed of what he's said/ doesn't want you to see and cause more hurt for you. He must be vulnerable with open communication and tell you what was in them and his reason for deleting them he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions and recognise he owes you an explication. He definitely needs individual counselling to work out why he "acts" the way he does. But keep communication open i think part of his actions will be based on him "panicking " & so he should be, his lies I'd imagine are part of him being probably being scared/petrified your going to leave him - but he has to see these lies have consequences just like his emotional affair (im still don't think he gets it) but he like yourself is probably terrified of what his future looks like and wanted rid of evidence that makes him feel bad/guilty. On this journey he is likely to make more mistakes but he is currently not a "safe" person for you at the moment. Is there someone/hotel he can go and stay at for a while to give you some space/time to think?

In the meantime Yes you should see a solicitor and take copies of all important documents ie P60s/business accounts etc

When I left my DH I always said it wasn't the affair it was the blatant lying about it that actually did it for me.

Oh no! We were all so optimistic for you @PleaseVipersHelpMe

At least you know where you’re at now and can move forward having done your best and given it every chance.

Take control, see a solicitor, and file for divorce on the .gov website. Put your business head on and prepare for the financial negotiations with a view to securing your future.

I am so sorry to hear this, I really thought you would get through this and hopefully, be one of the lucky ones to save your marriage. Was he still messaging her? You deserve much better, reading these threads is so depressing. What is wrong with men! Big hugs xxx

@PleaseVipersHelpMe oh no - who was he messaging?

I too have been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing, @PleaseVipersHelpMe.

Just checking in, hope you're home and doing ok. I've been thinking about you x