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Original poster

My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

854 replies

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 22/07/2024 15:25

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

OP posts:
Beezee098 · 07/08/2024 09:12

From experience, the messages are the start and he would have progressed further if not found out. Check all his photos on his phone on google photos too. If he keeps locations on in the settings u can check where he's been, travelled to. But I will warn you it's easy to become obsessed with this and that can harm your mental health seriously

yepyouknow · 07/08/2024 09:10

UrbanDieter · 05/08/2024 09:14

My husband had an emotional affair. It's been 18 months, we are still together. Some days it's OK someday it's not. Sometimes I feel like an actor in my own life.
It's happened and that can't be changed. Her husband dosent know and hopefully he will find the proof I have made accessible if he goes looking.

I have hidden a recorder in his car that I download every month or so.
I know how pathetic this looks, there is no one to talk to they would say leave but this is my life.
There is positive he has finally understood the meaning of partner and I do 50% and no more. I have lost weight and in many ways I am stronger, better and more confident. I can walk away but I don't want to loose the good bits and start again.

It’s not pathetic

but it is very sad and depressing to think of someone living like this

TheLastTimeEver · 07/08/2024 08:36

@PleaseVipersHelpMe im so sorry to hear this latest turn of events. I was hopeful like others that this could be repaired. But I get this issue with revealing further lies - and then him turning it round on you.

regarding the deleted messages / iCloud? Is it your sense that these were recent messages / defo to do with this woman? Or is there something else that he’s ashamed of that he’s hiding?

Not to catastrophise but something like cam girl / sex worker booking? I have to think it’s something serious for him to risk lying again and trying to access his iCloud.

The fact that his old phone supports the previous thoughts that their messages were familiar but nothing more is “good” - but the deleting is fundamental. That speaks to his intention 100% - he knew we had crossed a line somehow and you do not know how flirty their conversations were in person. As stupid as they both appear to be - when people are engaging in an emotional affair they are often wary of putting stuff in writing.

See what the counsellor says but I get your anger here.

Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 08:34

UrbanDieter · 05/08/2024 09:14

My husband had an emotional affair. It's been 18 months, we are still together. Some days it's OK someday it's not. Sometimes I feel like an actor in my own life.
It's happened and that can't be changed. Her husband dosent know and hopefully he will find the proof I have made accessible if he goes looking.

I have hidden a recorder in his car that I download every month or so.
I know how pathetic this looks, there is no one to talk to they would say leave but this is my life.
There is positive he has finally understood the meaning of partner and I do 50% and no more. I have lost weight and in many ways I am stronger, better and more confident. I can walk away but I don't want to loose the good bits and start again.

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

It doesn’t look pathetic and if your dh is willing to put in the work then I can completely understand you staying. I only wish mine had the same attitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 08:28

Capeprimrose · 05/08/2024 08:51

I am so disappointed to read this. I too hoped that it was a vain shallow ego massaging blip, and that it might not be the end of you.

From your update and his refusal to be honest, I think he has now been playing you all along, for time.
He is a liar.
His lies could simply be that he wishes to control your relationship and it will only finish on his terms.

What I find insulting when I read threads like this is how stupid liars like him are.
They really think they have covered all angles and arguments but they simply aren't that bright.

They don't realise that their lies and fabricated narrative is often so easy to pull apart.
I can 100% believe that lies more than cheating would finish a marriage.

Being treated like a fool when lied to repeatedly is not something most people forget or recover from.

You gave him/it a chance, HE blew it.
Getting good legal representation is the most important thing now, a real rottweiler who will get you the best deal as you leave this lying twat behind.

I am so sorry.

What I find insulting when I read threads like this is how stupid liars like him are.
They really think they have covered all angles and arguments but they simply aren't that

Sorry for the delayed response I’m struggling to find a minute to myself now that I’m back at work.

This has occurred to me too. My dh is a very clever, very astute man. But I found his old phone in his bloody sock drawer. I’ve easily caught him out with pretty much every lie and I pretty much know now exactly when he is telling the truth. The phone supports what he has said. I believe he isn’t speaking to her. So why the fucking secrecy? I almost think that he just doesn’t want to have to discuss anything else and that’s more important to him than my need to get to the bottom of it all. But his attitude is really not helping and I’m sick of it.

OP posts:
RottenApplesSpoilTheLot · 07/08/2024 08:14

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 06/08/2024 19:23

This is exactly how I feel expressed far more succinctly that I am managing to do - thank you.

He thinks that he knows best, even when I’m telling him exactly what I need.

Show quote history

I'm coming to this late @PleaseVipersHelpMe but have read the thread and think I understand your total devastation.

My situation was different, exH used a different playbook ("no one else" "just want to move on" "it's me not you" yada yada - he did marry OW once we were divorced). My children were the same age as yours though - and it took many years for them to forgive him and get their relationship back onto a good track - because he lied, and they found out his lies for themselves. I am VERY happy with my life, but if I could go back in time and head off the divorce at an earlier point, repair the marriage, then I would.

What I did want to say though is that 30yrs ago my DSis found out her DH had cheated with a younger employee. She threw him out. She made sure that everyone, inc his friends, knew the real reason. She told him that she would consider reconciling if HE went into individual therapy and worked out WHY HE had done this. Nine months later he moved back in and they began to rebuild their lives. They were together for another 25yrs and very much enjoyed their retirement, travelled widely and had adored grandchildren. I know she was happy with him and her life and had no regrets taking him back. However, when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer she told me that her fear was he would somehow reconnect with THAT woman after she had died and move her into the house. She carried that for 25yrs. I don't think I could have, but we were close enough for me to be sure that she was happy.

Whatever choice you make now there will be regrets, hurts, that linger. You will not wipe them out - but you will go on to be happy again. You can be happy with him, or without him. It will be your choice whether or not that future includes your H. Good luck.

GnomeDePlume · 07/08/2024 08:01

He has been very quick to jump to being the 'victim' of your 'controlling'.

He doesnt seem to realise that, if you do decide to stay together, this is a new marriage. He doesnt have your trust or respect because he hasnt earned them yet.

Now he is an old acquaintance, not the man you married, not a friend. He is someone you know a lot about. Without your shared history would you even date him knowing what you know now?

yepyouknow · 07/08/2024 07:47

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 05/08/2024 06:50

I think this is all true but I just can’t take the lies. He is currently saying that he will not give me access to his phone or anything as I will never get over it and he can’t live like this. He has made his position very clear. He says it will be different if the counsellor says otherwise but I’m unsure what has been said to the counsellor as I keep asking him to forward me the booking emails and he hasn’t yet.

Show quote history

personally i think this is sensible

if you are giving something another go, then to know every single gory detail isn’t going to help.

nwsw · 07/08/2024 06:33

You can check locations on an iPhone that he was been to regularly.

That's how I caught my ex.

Horses7 · 07/08/2024 03:21

Good luck with whatever you decide. Personally I would contact OW - I would expect her to move on with her career elsewhere too.

MsDogLady · 07/08/2024 02:46

A few days ago he said that ’he is desperate to make things up to me’, yet now he is calling you controlling for having recovery requirements??? He gives no credence or worth to your needs/boundaries.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe, his need to dominate is staggering. The very idea that he has the right to block your marshaling as many facts as possible to be able to make decisions is beyond the pale.

Being in charge and keeping you in the dark is the same entitled mindset he had while cheating and robbing your agency/consent/choices. It is a contemptuous mindset of devaluation and subjugation.

If he were ‘desperate’ he’d be an open book and moving mountains. It appears that he is confident that you are going nowhere.

ThatsCute · 07/08/2024 00:34

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 06/08/2024 19:17

Thank you, I agree. We have counselling tomorrow so we will have to see what they say.

I managed to get hold of his old iPhone (only changed handset a couple of months ago) and that completely supports what he is saying. The messages were overfamiliar but definitely no worse than the most recent ones. He’d been deleting even then (found them in deleted file) but given only those messages I’d have struggled to find an argument to put a stop to it (although it was all far too friendly for my liking). So why is he feeling the need to delete things and block access?

He says that I’m being ‘controlling’. I said he could have access to anything of mine at any time, plus this isn’t a forever situation so I don’t feel that it is unreasonable to make me feel better in the short term. I don’t want to be checking his shit forever. If I can’t trust him after a period of time I will call it a day. But he’s still refusing ‘unless they tell me that it’s required in counselling’. I’m telling him that it’s essential but for some reason that’s not enough. He seems to have chosen this hill to die on. Although this is symptomatic of his attitude to me at times which we have also discussed in depth.

Show quote history

Sorry….but DH needs to understand (and the therapist need to affirm, if they are a credible relationship therapist) that the “victim” of the cheating gets to choose the new boundaries they are comfortable with, should they choose to remain in the relationship. That can take on many forms…100% access to emails, 100% access to phone, tracker on phone, etc. It is not “controlling”. It is the new boundaries put in place for the other party to be comfortable to remain in the relationship. If he can not agree to you setting the new boundaries and is labelling you because of it, then he is not ready to make amends and the repair cannot happen. He should be bending over backwards and agreeing to whatever you need to make it work.

peebles32 · 06/08/2024 21:44

OP. It sounds like there is still something you don't know about. I wish I had been like you when my ExH had an affair. You are incredible.
He was exactly the same as your husband and minimised everything. We did try to make a go of it but then other lies kept coming out and I realised that he would never be honest! I could not live like that and ended it.
I don't know it's just a gut feeling but the element of control suggests there is something he is still hiding from you.
I dug and dug and dug into the affair and it destroyed me. I wish I had just accepted he was a lying knob and walked away earlier. I felt like I needed to know every single thing and I felt myself going mad as I realised I was becoming controlling and needed to constantly check everything he said and did.
Eventually, I could not take it anymore and left him!
I wish you well and thinking of you!

Daftapath · 06/08/2024 20:54

He is showing that he has more respect for a random person who is a counsellor than you, his wife, who he claims to want to do everything to remain married to.

Out of interest, what is his response to you pointing out that you are prepared to end your marriage over this?

GoldDuster · 06/08/2024 20:13

He's telling you you're being controlling? That's a good one, Jesus he's got some brass neck. He will only let you see his devices if the counseller tells him to?

I'd guess that he's realised you're more switched on than he is, and he's not willing to risk you finding more. That would be the absolute end for me, how does he think treating you like you have no agency is going to help right now?

Capeprimrose · 06/08/2024 20:10

How dare he think a random counsellor gets to decide what you get to see.

His cheeky fxxkery is breathtakingly arrogant.

In your place, I would be absolutely furious at his presumption.

OP, I am so sorry, but this is not a man that is sincerely regretful, and he doesn't respect you the way a good man should.

I think you are far too good for him.
I don't think he deserves you.

Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 06/08/2024 19:23

Planesmistakenforstars · 05/08/2024 08:35

I'm so sorry OP. It's the lying, and it will drive you mad wondering why he cannot seem to understand that it's the lying. You have told him it's the lying, and then he lies and is shocked that it's a big deal because he didn't think that thing was important/it was an old message/he doesn't remember doing that on and on blah blah blah. If it isn't getting through to him at this time, then it's hard to see that part changing. Which is infuriating because on one hand it's such a stupid blockhead hill for him to die on when he's doing everything else right, but still relationship ending because you don't know when and what you can trust him on.

This is exactly how I feel expressed far more succinctly that I am managing to do - thank you.

He thinks that he knows best, even when I’m telling him exactly what I need.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 06/08/2024 19:21

Itsmecathy87 · 05/08/2024 08:21

Sorry to say, the trust is gone. OP needs to look after her own sanity.
Once you have to keep checking his phone repeatedly, the relationship is too broken. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be transparent but his behaviour is messing OP about too much. I wish they could fix their long marriage, but the latest update is showing how much OP is suffering and I'm not sure trying to set her DH on the path of truth will work

Show quote history

You are quite right. Trust is sacred and I’m struggling even though I do believe him.

I genuinely don’t think he’s messaged her again. He’s copied me on the very odd email he has sent her and forwarded me what she has sent him. I believe that it’s over. But the fact that he is denying me this is making me so suspicious. It feels as though he would rather make his point than ‘give in’ to me. That hurts tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 06/08/2024 19:17

MsDogLady · 05/08/2024 08:06

So he’s back to blocking access. He is punishing you, disrespecting your agency, and showing once again that he has no true remorse.

Any reputable relationship counselor would strongly advise the cheater to:
+Cut contact with OW/OM
+Provide full transparency of all messages and open access to all devices and statements
+Be willing to patiently discuss the affair and listen whenever the betrayed partner needs to cry and vent
+Engage in IC

It is despicable that he is still marginalizing you via his agenda to protect their relationship, interactions and secrets.

Show quote history

Thank you, I agree. We have counselling tomorrow so we will have to see what they say.

I managed to get hold of his old iPhone (only changed handset a couple of months ago) and that completely supports what he is saying. The messages were overfamiliar but definitely no worse than the most recent ones. He’d been deleting even then (found them in deleted file) but given only those messages I’d have struggled to find an argument to put a stop to it (although it was all far too friendly for my liking). So why is he feeling the need to delete things and block access?

He says that I’m being ‘controlling’. I said he could have access to anything of mine at any time, plus this isn’t a forever situation so I don’t feel that it is unreasonable to make me feel better in the short term. I don’t want to be checking his shit forever. If I can’t trust him after a period of time I will call it a day. But he’s still refusing ‘unless they tell me that it’s required in counselling’. I’m telling him that it’s essential but for some reason that’s not enough. He seems to have chosen this hill to die on. Although this is symptomatic of his attitude to me at times which we have also discussed in depth.

OP posts:
kcchiefette · 06/08/2024 12:53

As you say, its not the possible affair, its the constant lying! I would never be able to trust someone who lied to me constantly despite having numerous opportunities to tell the truth. You cant trust a word that these people say.

Honestly, living with someone like this isnt worth it.

Get advice from a solicitor, finances in order etc then move on on your own terms.

KTSl1964 · 06/08/2024 08:26

So sorry to hear the update 🌺🌺look after yourself.

Buildingthefuture · 06/08/2024 06:54

Oh dear. The poor little lamb is struggling to adapt to the life he has chosen for himself. Twat. If he wanted to be trusted, he should have been trustworthy. And he knows that somewhere in himself. I’m so sorry op, I know that kicked in the stomach feeling all too well.
Me? I’m an optimist. I’d go to therapy with him in the hope you get a good one who will hold his feet to the flames. Best case is he realises exactly how much of a thunder cunt he has been. Worse case is that you get some guidance on how to separate amicably (for the children obviously, I’m sure you don’t feel remotely amicable at the moment)
What ever happens op, you are hardcore, and you WILL rise from the ashes of this. With or without him, you will chose the life that is best for you and you will thrive, I have no doubt.

Capeprimrose · 05/08/2024 17:04

I agree.
HE tells the children.....in your hearing.

Do not allow him to tell more lies.

YellowAsteroid · 05/08/2024 15:24

What do you tell teen aged DC? You let him tell them.

When my father had an affair when I was 16 my mother told us - he was in the room, but she made the mistake of bearing the brunt of all the emotional labour involved. He just sat there and cried.

Let him take responsibility and the consequences. 30 years on and I still think my father is a weak man. I don’t seek out his company - he’s reaped what he sowed.

So please @PleaseVipersHelpMe let your husband tell his children.

Daftapath · 05/08/2024 15:14

"Take this as a very strong indicator of what a prick he may be when a financial agreement is being agreed upon."

I completely agree with this. When you seek legal advice, maybe go to a couple of different solicitors. He will not be able to be represented by anyone who has spoken to you. Make a note of all potential joint/marital assets and debts - savings, pensions, investments, the business, property, inheritance ...

I would want specific advice regarding the business. Do you have any involvement or own shares? Are any assets owned by the company e.g. cars. Could you negotiate less interest in the business so that you get more interest in the other assets - property/savings/pension?

You may feel it too soon to be thinking and planning in this way but, even if you do go on to successfully rebuild your marriage, it would be good backup information. It may also help to focus H's mind if he realises now that a divorce potentially means losing half his business, pension, house and savings!