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Original poster

My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

854 replies

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 22/07/2024 15:25

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:46

peebles32 · 06/08/2024 21:44

OP. It sounds like there is still something you don't know about. I wish I had been like you when my ExH had an affair. You are incredible.
He was exactly the same as your husband and minimised everything. We did try to make a go of it but then other lies kept coming out and I realised that he would never be honest! I could not live like that and ended it.
I don't know it's just a gut feeling but the element of control suggests there is something he is still hiding from you.
I dug and dug and dug into the affair and it destroyed me. I wish I had just accepted he was a lying knob and walked away earlier. I felt like I needed to know every single thing and I felt myself going mad as I realised I was becoming controlling and needed to constantly check everything he said and did.
Eventually, I could not take it anymore and left him!
I wish you well and thinking of you!

This is exactly what I don’t want to do. I want to be able to believe what he’s saying and stop trying to find more but I feel like in need to know every detail. I know enough now to make valid decisions but I still want more. I hate being like this and need to stop but I don’t know how. I think I’m going to seek help for this as it’s a real struggle.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I hope that you have found happiness now.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:42

Daftapath · 06/08/2024 20:54

He is showing that he has more respect for a random person who is a counsellor than you, his wife, who he claims to want to do everything to remain married to.

Out of interest, what is his response to you pointing out that you are prepared to end your marriage over this?

That’s exactly what I said to him. Why is her opinion more valuable than mine. As it turns out we forgot to ask her anyway.

He says that if that’s the way it has to be then that’s on me. That he has bent enough in our marriage and he wants things to be better now and that means defending the things that he thinks is right and not just giving in to my demands because it has to be right for both of us. In principle I agree, but if it was the other way around I’d let him have the bloody access.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:38

Buildingthefuture · 06/08/2024 06:54

Oh dear. The poor little lamb is struggling to adapt to the life he has chosen for himself. Twat. If he wanted to be trusted, he should have been trustworthy. And he knows that somewhere in himself. I’m so sorry op, I know that kicked in the stomach feeling all too well.
Me? I’m an optimist. I’d go to therapy with him in the hope you get a good one who will hold his feet to the flames. Best case is he realises exactly how much of a thunder cunt he has been. Worse case is that you get some guidance on how to separate amicably (for the children obviously, I’m sure you don’t feel remotely amicable at the moment)
What ever happens op, you are hardcore, and you WILL rise from the ashes of this. With or without him, you will chose the life that is best for you and you will thrive, I have no doubt.

Thank you for more excellent advice. We went to our first therapy session this morning. We gave her the background. Dh cried and did explain quite a lot of how he was feeling. It was tough to hear because he has held on to a lot of things in our past, mistakes that I have made, and built them up in him mind. This is his reasoning for the texts - to make himself feel better because he felt so bad because I had hurt him so much over the past 20 years. He says he can’t talk to me because he holds everything in and that he hates the way I react to things with anger (I am very angry at the minute). He was so emotional throughout it all it was actually quite horrible. He also said that he hates himself.

I don’t know what to think now to be honest. It’s difficult thinking that my husband has been holding onto resentment for that long but I have no doubt that it’s true. He also said that he texted her because he needed a friend and he doesn’t have any. He does have friends but he doesn’t contact them anywhere near as much as her. It’s been a lot to take in. I just asked him what he got from talking to her that he liked / didn’t get from me. He said that she never argued with him or talked down to him (apparently I do, although I would argue that asking him to do things isn’t talking down to him) that he knew he could make her happy which made him feel better about himself as he could never make me happy. We have argued and he hadn’t made me happy for a while but I feel like that’s at least partly because he hasn’t been trying. He still maintains that there is no correlation between talking to her and neglecting our relationship. I think it’s clear as crystal that there is. I’m so confused now.

OP posts:
2sisters · 07/08/2024 20:33

PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:15

He knows I will leave him but he says that it’s a principle thing and he isn’t going to do something that he thinks is the wrong thing just because I want him to.

Show quote history

Where was his principles when he was trying to fuck his much younger employee. When he was hiring her a car. When he was sending her messages. Then he didn't care about right or wrong he only cared about having his ego stroked and trying to get his willy wet. Now he's all about principles and right and wrong. He knows you'll 100% gone when you see the true extent of his deception. At the moment he has deniability.

Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:23

Capeprimrose · 05/08/2024 17:04

I agree.
HE tells the children.....in your hearing.

Do not allow him to tell more lies.

I’ve told him to go ahead.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:23

YellowAsteroid · 05/08/2024 15:24

What do you tell teen aged DC? You let him tell them.

When my father had an affair when I was 16 my mother told us - he was in the room, but she made the mistake of bearing the brunt of all the emotional labour involved. He just sat there and cried.

Let him take responsibility and the consequences. 30 years on and I still think my father is a weak man. I don’t seek out his company - he’s reaped what he sowed.

So please @PleaseVipersHelpMe let your husband tell his children.

Thanks for the advice I will bear it in mind. He keeps saying that if we tell them they will be absolutely fine and he doesn’t know what I’m making a drama about. I’ve told him to crack on then. Funnily enough it’s still not come up.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:21

Daftapath · 05/08/2024 15:14

"Take this as a very strong indicator of what a prick he may be when a financial agreement is being agreed upon."

I completely agree with this. When you seek legal advice, maybe go to a couple of different solicitors. He will not be able to be represented by anyone who has spoken to you. Make a note of all potential joint/marital assets and debts - savings, pensions, investments, the business, property, inheritance ...

I would want specific advice regarding the business. Do you have any involvement or own shares? Are any assets owned by the company e.g. cars. Could you negotiate less interest in the business so that you get more interest in the other assets - property/savings/pension?

You may feel it too soon to be thinking and planning in this way but, even if you do go on to successfully rebuild your marriage, it would be good backup information. It may also help to focus H's mind if he realises now that a divorce potentially means losing half his business, pension, house and savings!

Thank you I will take advice. I don’t want anything from the business, just my share of our joint assets.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:20

Capeprimrose · 05/08/2024 11:07

5 minutes after you have found out, he is already telling you he cannot live with you not sucking up his lies and bullshit and moving on from his little blip🙄.

THIS is the real him revealed. Really shocking to find out after a long marriage, but it is what it is.

Take this as a very strong indicator of what a prick he may be when a financial agreement is being agreed upon.

You are going to really see him clearly I would think, and realise you never knew him.

You need to stop thinking about protecting him and his relationship with your children.

Your responsibility is to yourself and them and that he has chosen to cheat on you and the family.

Get very quietly organised and consider a forensic accountant as a business is involved.
Don't allow him to fxxk you over financially.

Keep posting OP, we are here for you.

I just don’t understand him at all. He says one thing then seems to do another. He’s now saying that I need help with my anger issues. I’ve told him that anyone in their right mind would be fucking angry if their spouse betrayed them. He then shook his head at me and said that I have a filthy mouth. Fucking knob.

I don’t want anything from the business, I only want my share of our joint finances. I agree that he may not be reasonable about this given what I’ve seen over the last few days although he is still saying that everything is ours.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseVipersHelpMe · 07/08/2024 20:15

Freeme31 · 05/08/2024 09:59

“He is currently saying that he will not give me access to his phone or anything as I will never get over it and he can’t live like this. “

Just massively Wow OP did you realise he was so controlling he is not sorry at all or he would be doing everything in his power to assure your recovery. How dare he tell you that he will be in charge of how your recovery will be managed (by him) i think he is pulling the wool over your eyes now and just wants to sweep it under the carpet and because he says so you must agree! Can’t believe your not even getting the number one basic of restoring trust ie access to all his devices what a despicable control freak he’s turned out to be. Be careful now OP he can go any way. He will try and blame you now saying he didn’t have an emotional affair, your crazy, your breaking up the marriage because of your jealousy. I now agree with other get the best lawyer you can afford and take copies off every legal document you can as well as copies of his text that other woman (as he will now deny to everyone and blame you).

Does he truly not realise you will leave him over this ??? Have you told him this ??? Just a thought maybe he wants you to leave him he has OW as a back up therefore protect yourselves and your children as the gold digger OW will get everything that was yours (tbh I’d let her have as have him hes not emotionally mature enough for you and is destroying your MH).

He knows I will leave him but he says that it’s a principle thing and he isn’t going to do something that he thinks is the wrong thing just because I want him to.

OP posts:
yepyouknow · 07/08/2024 17:57

i get the impression your children are teens Op

they will be wondering what the hell is going o. and probably feeling very unsettled

you need to make talking to them a priority

Mix56 · 07/08/2024 17:55

I am going to say something, & I am absolutely not trying to let him off the hook.
But I think he deleted these old messages, to get rid, to remove the evidence, the memory & in his mind, wipe the slate.
I understand that covering it up is a lie, a pointless, thoughtless stupid move.
As someone so rightly said up thread, he has destroyed your "safe place", where you knew the boundaries, what was real, what was true.
Unfortunately it does look like the script, the cycle, so he thought you were getting over the chaos he created & he has started to relax.
Accusing you of being controlling is laughable.
Asking for the truth is not controlling, asking to stop the subterfuge is not controlling.
I hope the councelling helps

yepyouknow · 07/08/2024 17:35

have you shared this with anyone yet op in RL?

how old are your children?

WoolySnail · 07/08/2024 17:18

OP you are living one of my biggest fears and honestly you are handling it with such grace and aplomb (even if you don't feel you are) that i could never hope to achieve.
You are such a strong person that I know you'll be OK, it will just take time. We stand with you ❤️

MeridianB · 07/08/2024 14:19

Hi OP.

Just RTFT. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with so many posters who have said you come across as really smart and caring - the support you've had is MN at its best.

Sorry things took a negative turn once the holiday ended. You've had so many great insights but the one that's stayed with me is from @Itsamountainof

The pathetic/imagined 'you emasculated me by becoming more financial stable and not sharing your windfall' mindset.

He just doesn't get it. And doesn't want to get it. And that means you're trying to review and potentially rebuild on very unstable or shifting foundations.

You deserve happiness, OP. I'm rooting for you. 🌺

Capeprimrose · 07/08/2024 13:51

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 07/08/2024 11:11

In a way, his intractable behaviour and lies gives you a full spectrum of shit to divorce him over, rather than something nebulous.

I could pin point to the day when my ex met the OW, I knew him so well.

He followed the script and I was aware of every single tiny tell.

When we separated, he was astonished at how much I knew. They take us for fucking idiots and it's that that is as sickening as the betrayal and lies.

So agree.
They think they are so cute and original but infact they are clones of each other in their total un-originality!🙄

Hence why it is call The Script and why it is so helpful to be aware of it and ahead of their game playing.

Likewhatever · 07/08/2024 13:48

OP I have been following your thread and you have had so much great advice. One thing I haven’t seen though, and forgive me if I’ve missed it, is anything from your DH to the OW explicitly cutting off contact from her and telling her why. Just avoiding and blocking her isn’t really addressing the issue.

The proof you need that he values you and your marriage above everything is him telling the OW in absolute terms that contact is over between them. He needs to tell her what he’s told you about how he got into what ever they had in the first place. It will be humiliating for him and he will have to face her anger too, but he owes you that. I would see that as a minimum requirement.

Fannyfiggs · 07/08/2024 12:41

2sisters · 07/08/2024 12:22

@PleaseVipersHelpMe he doesn't want you to have his call and text logs. They will show the true extent on his interactions with her. You've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Hes lied over and over again. You know he's lying because he's talking. The lies would be the end for me that an the shared secrets. I could forgive a fuck. All the chatting, familiarity, intimacy, lies and secrets would end it for me.

You've only seen the tip of the iceberg

I feel this is the case too. What a weasel of a man, he doesn't deserve you OP.

macaroniandcheeze · 07/08/2024 12:34

Oh this is so sad. I’m furious on your behalf OP.

Clearly he values his secret keeping and lies over his marriage. What a nob.

2sisters · 07/08/2024 12:22

@PleaseVipersHelpMe he doesn't want you to have his call and text logs. They will show the true extent on his interactions with her. You've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Hes lied over and over again. You know he's lying because he's talking. The lies would be the end for me that an the shared secrets. I could forgive a fuck. All the chatting, familiarity, intimacy, lies and secrets would end it for me.

TheNuthatch · 07/08/2024 12:17

I'm so sorry OP. I've just read your thread this morning. God what a holiday you've had!
What is it with men at this age? You've worked hard for years, building a life, raising children and building financial security. Then just as the kids are about to launch and you can start enjoying the fruits of your labour, BANG. They have a midlife crisis, and ruin everything you've worked hard for. And for what? Just to prove that they've 'still got it' ffs. Sending you loads of love and support from another middle aged woman 24 years in!

EI12 · 07/08/2024 11:21

Ponoka7 · 29/07/2024 13:33

OP you have a lot of internalised misogyny thinking of her as a cheap scrubber but your husband is a poor man led by his ego. Her state of mind is not your concern, obviously. But you are even looking at ways to blame yourself. What you are saying is that you'll forever have to watch him because that need for validation from younger women doesn't fade.

Of course she is a cheap scrubber, and so is he.

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 07/08/2024 11:11

In a way, his intractable behaviour and lies gives you a full spectrum of shit to divorce him over, rather than something nebulous.

I could pin point to the day when my ex met the OW, I knew him so well.

He followed the script and I was aware of every single tiny tell.

When we separated, he was astonished at how much I knew. They take us for fucking idiots and it's that that is as sickening as the betrayal and lies.

Thinkpositivethoughts1 · 07/08/2024 11:01

Op have you checked DH’s archived WhatsApps? My DH had an emotional affair and a Mumsnetter suggested that to me. I didn’t even know there was an archive.

I found a WhatsApp there from another woman; not the emotional affair but DH’s ex girlfriend from 30 years ago! All messages deleted but he’d managed to stay in contact with her throughout our marriage, secretly.
I don’t think anything in my life will ever shock me more.

I think some men practice deceit very easily; they know what’s right and what’s wrong but think they can do what they want if their wife doesn’t find out and it’s not a physical affair.

Babooshka1234 · 07/08/2024 10:59

Im so sorry you are going through this, how are things now?

I recently had the same with my husband who was also messaging a work colleague and archiving the whatsapp messages. There were other strange connections on various social media channels of which i never got to the bottom of. Messages to this woman have now stopped since he has discovered she is having an affair with someone else! I just wish people wouldnt do this to each other - my first husband had an affair so I am speaking from experience and hence why I am still insecure about it. I do lots of secret snooping as best I can, just to set my mind at ease. We also both have find my phone location for each other so we can see where one another is most of the time.

Anyway what i wanted to say was that I hope you are ok and I hope you have been able to get an answer from your husband for his unforgivable behaviour?

Easipeelerie · 07/08/2024 10:16

I’ve just read the whole thread today. My thoughts are: this man is not going to change. He only admits to what you already know; he has been blatant in his disregard; he’s tried to pin some blame on you; you’re the mother of his precious children and he’s allowed for the possibility that they will be traumatised. Also, a decent man would have left the house and let you process this but he’s still there (the absolute nerve of the man). Would you still be there I’d you’d been messing him about like this?

Re: your daughter’s GCSEs - I don’t believe waiting to leave him is the answer. If you wait, there will be her A Level years to consider. Then university. There will always be a reason to postpone leaving him. Do it now. He can get set up with somewhere to live that can accommodate her, and as she and he get in so we’ll together, she can enjoy spending time and revising at his as well as at yours.

I strongly feel marriage counselling/waiting to see if he’ll become better is a waste of your time. The only way it wouldn’t be would be if he put in serious work to changing and as you can already see, he really has very little intention of that - a bit of lip service but not really. He’s a typical cheater and he will do it again and maybe again after that.