My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

Thank you for checking in @Rememberthis81. Apologies for the delay, I haven’t been back to the thread for a long time but for some reason felt drawn to come back to it today.

We are still working on our marriage. Dh is now in individual therapy which has been a game changer in terms of how he understands himself and his behaviours and how much he is able to discuss everything. I didn’t push this, it was a decision he came to on his own but I’m very glad that he is working through his issues with a professional who can help.

I’m doing well considering. The kids are both doing great, which makes me a very happy mum. I’m still practicing my new hobby which I love and has given me so much confidence. I’m in the same work role but considering a complete career change. I like my job but think I need a new challenge and at my age it’s probably now or never!

I wasn’t going to reply to the thread again as I see the deleted posts and I’m a bit worried about what the trolls have been saying. But then I look back on this thread and remember how desperate and terrified I was in the beginnIng. I thought my world had ended and I had nothing to look forward to. But even while all this has been going on I have managed to find joy in my kids, my lovely friends who have been amazing and my hobby. I’ve even had a few happy times with dh - we have taken a few short solo trips which have helped us to reconnect and make new memories and he is back to being the good man I married. We’re not out of the woods yet but I can see a future for us now. I decided to post this just in case anyone else going through this sees it so they know that it can get better.

I can’t pretend it hasn’t been the most painful, difficult year of my life. I’ve felt awful, angry thoughts towards dh and the woman that I never thought I would feel and at times I have struggled to let go of them. It has changed me beyond belief. I didn’t realise just how much I was stifling my own wants to keep everyone else happy and how much I’d shrunk to make the relationship work. I’m much kinder to myself and to others now. I want things to work out with dh, but only if the relationship works for both of us. That’s been the most important change for me. I love dh so much, even now, but I know that I don’t need him.

Thanks again for checking in. It is truly appreciated.

Thank you for checking in @TheLastTimeEver and @MsDogLady. I’m very sorry for the delay in responding. I’ve been deliberately staying away from the thread in the hopes of getting past everything but I’m not sure it’s helped and for some reason I’ve been drawn to come back and read through the thread from the start. Perhaps it’s with hopes of actually moving on properly in the New Year.

I’ve been doing ok in spite of a tricky couple of months with both the anniversary of dm’s birthday and her death and various other family occasions. It’s been so tough at times to deal with everything but I’ve made it through.

The woman left the business at the end of Sept. She actually expressed her unhappiness to her new boss and requested a settlement due to her previous long service. The strength of her reaction was quite shocking to be honest. She repeatedly sobbed in front of her new boss (also a close family friend so I heard all about it) and made a few cryptic comments about thinking that dh would always look after her, although she never actually spoke about what had happened. She did show some signs of putting up a bit of a fight for more money - constructive dismissal was mentioned - but in the end she clearly didn’t have the stomach for it and accepted the offer. I have my thoughts on why she left quietly, but I suppose I’ll never actually know for sure. She signed a compromise agreement and left with 6 months pay which I felt was fair.

Other than that dh and I have continued working through things. We found a Gottman Method therapist who is just wonderful. I truly believe that she only wants what is best for both of us. She helped dh understand just how traumatic this has been for me and she helped us to put together a timeline of everything that happened answering most of my remaining questions. We also have a much better understanding of each other and how we deal with things. It’s been enormously difficult but even if we do decide to separate I’m glad we are doing this work now as it will help both of us regardless. I’ve also become more involved in dh’s business at his request. He thinks that a better understanding will bring us closer and I have to say, he’s been right so far and I’m enjoying being part of what he does.

I still see my therapist who is also lovely and has helped me so much. I lost more weight and even though at times I’ve been a bit concerned about it, I feel like I’ve got a bit of my confidence back as a result. I had let myself get in a rut in many ways and it’s great to enjoy shopping again and feel good in myself. I took dd away on holiday before Christmas and she finally noticed my 2 1/2 stone loss (3 months on). This reminded me of a pp saying that teens are only really concerned about themselves and don’t really notice what their parents are up to. It made me smile as I’ve worried so much about her being unsettled by everything when she’s been oblivious to even the obvious! Jokes aside she’s doing great as is ds. I’m so proud of them both.

I think that’s everything. I hope you’ve all had a lovely Christmas and I’d just like to say thank you again. It’s been a very tough read going back to those early days. But it’s also been a welcome reminder of how wonderfully kind people can be and just how much you helped me when I didn’t know where to turn. Thank you again.