Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

You’ll be “calmly explaining” this today, and then “calmly explaining” why you don’t want to be controlled by the next request.

good luck to you

This is an obvious red flag on fire. Do you really need to ask the community? Woman-up and dump him.

i can take this from an established relationship, say a marriage of 10 years, but not from a new one!

(both my grandparents, on both sides, are from the subcontinent so I’ve got 4 times your hair problem and won’t be taking this comment from any man or let any man make such “requests” of my daughter)

You could calmly explain that having long thick hair tied up all the time gives you a headache. It's your crowning glory and no one can tell you how to style your hair.

My daughter has the most beautiful thick, long red hair, which I adore. I have to sympathise with your new boyfriend. It’s obviously not that important to him for you to have it loose. Believe me it gets everywhere, my Dyson vacuum cleaner hates her hair. My drains hate her hair, my washing machine and tumble dryer hates her hair. It doesn’t take much to put it up.

In case you hadn’t noticed I was trying to be supportive in a lighthearted way

And now you're being passive aggressive 😉

I didn't study your previous posts, @Pyewacketty , no. I was just commenting on the one I read, that said it agreed with mine and seemingly backed up that agreement with a totally different point. Nothing personal. It's ok to respond to a lighthearted post with a more serious tone.

He’s allowed not to like it

If you look at previous posts I have said exactly that - that this isn’t a case of one person being in the wrong and one being in the right, it’s about what is reasonable for one person being unreasonable for another. But my remarks about whether hair is gross or not are my own opinion. There are plenty of people commenting on here that OPs proudest feature is somehow dirty and nasty, and no one is challenging them. OP is obviously feeling self conscious after bf’s request and so I feel such comments are unnecessary and unhelpful. In case you hadn’t noticed I was trying to be supportive in a lighthearted way. 🤦‍♀️

I agree with this. I shed a lot myself and it's driving me mad finding my hair everywhere. I wouldn't particularly blame him tbh.

@Pyewacketty

All the people calling hair gross are just weird

Well, that's like saying 'all the people who say broccoli is disgusting are weird', isn't it? You being ok with it isn't because you are the representation of 'normal and acceptable'; it's about preferences, and not everyone is like you.

Hair is just something normal we have on our bodies

So are toenails. Are you ok to find your partner's toenails around the house?

He's allowed to not like it. He might not have thought through how that will affect the relationship, though. He might have spent the morning trying to work out how to pull apart his hoover, so that he could get all the wound up hair out of it, and dealt very well with feeling grumpy about the time he needn't have wasted. He may well have not realised that there are other ways of dealing with the problem, and simply asked politely for the quick and easy solution he saw. If OP can't say no, and if he can't see reason, it's a different matter, but all he's done is make a polite request.

I have hair like you. I get so many compliments on it (weekly) and have never had a boyfriend ask me to tie it up. In fact they loved it long and didn't want me to cut it! So even though it can get gross when it everywhere, they loved it. Maybe he's a neat freak, but not sure it's a sustainable relationship

Totally agree.
Imagine if you live together. Does this mean you have to tie your hair up for the rest of your life? Are you prepared to do this for the rest of your life? Need to discuss this with him to let him know that you are willing to do this at his place, however, if there comes a time when you live together you are not prepared to do so. Get it down in writing or record him (with his knowledge of course) so there is no denying his answer if he acquiesces to this.

My long hair blocks sinks etc and finding it stuck to all sorts isn't very nice for anyone so I can see where he is coming from. Although it kind of just comes with having long, thick hair. My DH would never ask this and I would be pissed off if he did, so I can see why you are. But can kind of see both sides as maybe it's giving him the ick finding hair everywhere!? He'll certainly have to get used to it if you end up having children together.

⬆️ This. Definitely.
All the people calling hair gross are just weird. I think someone else’s hair in food is nasty, especially if we are talking about restaurant or processed food, but if I found my own, my partner’s or my kids’ stray hair even in food I wouldn’t freak out, because I’m not twelve and I don’t have trichophobia (apologies to anyone on here who genuinely does, I hope you can get help). Hair is just something normal we have on our bodies. I wonder if those people who think it’s gross all shave their heads? You say you are a neat freak (I missed that in my earlier comment) but am guessing you are ‘Homes & Gardens’ neat, not ‘pathology lab’ neat. Don’t let anyone hair shame you! 😂

Get it cut a bit shorter as hair should be trimmed regularly.That will help the shedding.

My long blonde hair gets everywhere at home ( particularly sticks to socks as the family walk about ) so l totally get where he’s coming from … but after the husband moaned once l wore a shower cap indoors for a day including in bed . We ended up laughing about it and they just get over it now !

Get out now. Unless he is fastidious about everything then he sounds like a controlling dick. My hair sheds everywhere. My husband unclogs the shower drain without a word even though post-baby you could probably knit a blanket out of the fallen hair!

Imo it’s only a red flag if he insists or goes on about it after you say you don’t want to tie it up. If he asked you nicely and finding hair all over the place is triggering him, he asked you if you could tie it back and I think it’s OK to ask.
However If he continues to go on about it after you decline then maybe he needs to find a girlfriend with shorter finer hair - maybe if dead hair gives him the ick then he’s not the one for you.

"At this stage in the relationship he should be finding it quite cute, finding hair when OP has gone home

😂 no.
Finding hair, especially long dark hair, everywhere is completely gross. I would truly hate that.
Perfectly reasonable thing for the guy to have asked.

I’ve got very long thick hair and it gets everywhere, that’s just life, I had one boyfriends mum who commented she’d noticed a lot more hair in her hoover since I met him but that all, she didn’t expect me to try and stop it. He’s being weird.

🤣 genius

Don’t feel self conscious. Men like long hair, but shedding is a part of it. I have long hair and my two girls do as well. They are both grown up and have left home, but when it was the three of us we needed a pet hair hoover even though we didn’t have any pets! You sound as though you lack self confidence. There is nothing offensive about your natural state of being. What would he say if you started making similar requests when he stays at yours? Maybe try it, ask him to put clean socks on or something, or ask him to shave his pubes cos you don’t like finding them on your sheets! 😂

There is nothing wrong with being proud of your hair, or any other feature that makes you you. So whether you view this request as a deal breaker is really a personal decision. Did this come across as a request or a demand? It could be the first of many controlling demands, or it could simply be a sign that he’s a bit of neat freak - only you can know which one it is. If your instincts are telling you it’s the former then you know what to do. If it’s a neat thing then you know whether you are willing to go along with that. If, like me, you’re a bit messy then perhaps you two just aren’t a good match. If you ended up getting married could you live the rest of your life with your hair in a ponytail? I’m guessing not. If you had children would he be able to put up with the inevitable mess kids cause or would he be insisting that they not make any mess either? Or is it nothing to do with cleanliness, does he just have a weird thing about hair?
As this is quite a new relationship maybe you feel it’s a bit early for him to start getting picky, and that he would rather have a pristine home than spend time with you. As someone with long hair I think I would take the view that if he can’t be bothered to get the hoover out then maybe he doesn’t value my company as much as he should.
Ultimately his request isn’t unreasonable for him, but it might be unreasonable for you. I suspect this is one of those situations where no-one is at fault, but in the long term you are probably not a good fit for each other.

See, I'd say asking a partner to do something because you found it attractive was more controlling than asking them to keep long hair tidy by tying it back.

I feel his pain, DD has long think hair and it gets everywhere. We do argue about it because, being a teenager, she's pretty inconsiderate about where she brushes it and she's always swishing it about like she's in a bloody shampoo advert and plays with it all the time as well. I don't think she washes it enough and of course it's me that has to unblock the shower drains etc. I insist she ties it back for school (bug bear of mine are the young women at work who don't tie it back in the labs) but she likes to have it down at the weekends.

It's funny really that long hair is viewed as glamorous because the reality is minging with the constant hair shedding, the playing with it and the lack of washing.

I have quite long hair and also have this problem, I kinda just assumed other women didn't heh. I wouldn't even wear mine down anywhere now. Think I'm shedding more than I used to though and getting some hair loss. I'm absolutely fed up of hair being everywhere. On the dressing table, in the shower, in the bed, on the floor, everywhere arggghh! I almost had a break down over it a couple months ago and was seriously considering shaving it all off. Decided to compromise on a pixie cut soon which I can't WAIT for.

Unfortunately for me I no longer have very nice hair like you OP so I don't even get the benefit of it! Having said that, you can't really compare hair on your head to that found on the floor or in a shower drain-that will always be gross regardless of whose hair it is and how nice it looks on them!

I really want to say you're not being unreasonable, but I had a housemate once with long, strong hair. The stray strands accumulated enough that one day when I went to vacuum, they rewrapped around my Hoover roll and burnt out the motor of the vacuum cleaner. If I had realized what the weird burnt smell was I would have stopped before the damage was done but I didn't realize.

I think he's a bit weird but I'm okay with hair, have a dog and a cat both hairy shedders