Boyfriend asked me to always have hair up at his flat

I have a sympathy with OPs BF (tho I do understand her distress) as some of my family have hair like this and it is absolutely everywhere. It drives me nuts.

It's his flat! I can see both sides and I understand why OP is offended, but I also hate having my own hair everywhere (and I wear it back as well) if it was down all the time I can't imagine the hairs. And honestly someone else's hair all over my stuff would be even worse. He probably didn't think she'd mind just wearing it up, obviously if she does and he keeps on at her then that's more problematic but I don't see a problem with him pointing it out (except to OPs bruised ego of course) and asking if she'd mind tying it back.

@Clafoutie well yes, because I ask a man to wear his wear up, so I don’t see the difference?

I find it shocking and disappointing that so many people have voted that the OP is being unreasonable. A man asks a woman to wear her hair up, and lots of women think that’s reasonable?

@TheMamaLife I’m leaving this chat - as a victim of coercive control for 9 years, this is triggering. It’s 2024 and a woman is asking if it’s okay for a man to control her?! I’m done

Where do you get that from a situation where someone is sick of finding someone else’s hair all over their flat? As I said prior, I’m a shedder and put mine up as I can’t stand my own hair everywhere and one of my kids seems to have inherited my shedding ability. I can’t stand their hair everywhere either so ask them to put it up. They are an adult male. I don’t believe I’m coercively controlling them for a second! Being sick of cleaning up hair all over the place and asking someone to do something to prevent it is NOT coercive control.

Or, are you saying it’s okay for me to tell my adult so. I don’t want to deal with cleaning up his hair everywhere, but it wouldn’t be okay for DH to say exactly the same thing to me or a DD (as I said, I keep mine tied back because I don’t want to deal with the cleaning f, and DD didn’t inherit my shedding problem so no issue with it out). Is it okay for me to be able to say it to a man but would not be okay for a man to say it me/DD?

I’m leaving this chat - as a victim of coercive control for 9 years, this is triggering. It’s 2024 and a woman is asking if it’s okay for a man to control her?! I’m done.

It’s controlling because he’s telling her what to do to fix his problem. The OP said he likes the hair, but not when it’s shed around the flat - fair enough. He could have just said that rather than telling her what to do about his problem.

100 % agree

And because it's really no skin off her nose to pop her hair in a bun

Errr yes it is! Especially if hair is long and heavy.

I don’t get all these people saying they are happy to put their hair up at home to keep the piece or grossed out by hairs. Surely the purpose of long, nice condition hair is to wear it down and enjoy it if you are lucky enough to have good hair?

I only wear my hair up when it annoys me, eg working out (get too hot) or some other task like DIY or food prep when bending over it could get in the way or caught in something or if it just looks a mess!

This is not something I’d be compromising on! Life is too short!

My BIL absolutely worships my sister. He loved her for a good 2 years before finally agreed to go out with him. 12 years, a wedding and 2 kids later, my sister sleeps with her long thick hair in a bun because hair gives him the epic ick. Shedding is his worst thing, followed by her hairbrush. But he's not even that keen on it on her head.

So she does her best to minimise shedding. Because that's the nice thing to do if someone asks. And because it's really no skin off her nose to pop her hair in a bun

I'm not sure putting your hair up in a pony tail will help. I often have mine up but it still goes everywhere. It would annoy me too. Just say no and his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Unacceptable. Your body - your choice.

What shampoo do you use? 🥹

Sorry this would annoy the shit out of me - im asian, have almost bum-length hair - my now husband (then boyfriend) has NEVER ever complained - not even once. Now we have children, my daughter has never ever cut her hair (she also has very long hair) - Its just normal life - sorry but i would find this irritating of your BF to bring up.

My Daughter is 14 and has shoulder length red hair. Even when she has it in a ponytail or plait it will still shed. I find it in the carpet, even in clothes after they've come out the washing machine. I washed up the other evening, even found one wrapped round my washing up sponge. If your bf is happy to play with your hair then he's being unreasonable to ask you to tie it back. Men are weird 🤣

I can't imagine why you're getting such a hard time, OP. As someone else said, any woman with medium length hair or longer sheds hair about the place. If you're careful to clear it out of the plughole, as you say, he is being unreasonable. I don't see how wearing it in a ponytail would make all that much difference to the degree of shedding.

Erm - could it be that there is another lady visiting the flat OP who also thinks that she is involved with him and doesn't have your lovely long hair? Finding them everywhere could be a bit of a giveaway in those circumstances.

Indeed, maybe boyfriend just doesn't like hair on every surface. I know I don't.

I've got long dark hair and I hate seeing it around the place, I'm forever picking it up, I don't think he's being reasonable at all.

If anything I think it's honest of him to say it in a laid back way rather than bitching about it behind your back or something. Red flag my arse.

Why is it that hair and toenails are considered fine when firmly attached to a human, but gross when they become detached? It doesn’t make any sense

It makes complete sense. We generally find discarded waste substances gross, for sensible, evolved reasons. It's like this with most bodily substances. Saliva, for example... if you're eating a lolly, you might take it out of your mouth for a few seconds, but if you leave it on the side for 10 minutes, the fact that it's been in your own mouth becomes disgusting. We are comfortable walking round as pee and shit receptacles, but the minute the stuff becomes detached from us... eww! A little sniff with a runny nose, fine; snot that's been blown into a tissue... urgh!

This is very extreme. If they were living together, they'd have to come up with a compromise, whereby his feelings about dropped hair would be respected, and OP's feelings about how she wears her hair would be respected. Perhaps she agrees to hoover more or get one of the hoovers recommended on the thread. Perhaps they talk and he understands that actually, it's not so simple as just 'Put it in a ponytail, et voila!'

There's some drastic advice on this thread, @Hairry If he's open to talking about his request and seeing your side, I'm sure things will be fine, and he may well be. No need to LTB quite yet ;)

I shed a fair bit of hair and I notice when other people do, because for some reason I immediately find human hair gross when it's detached from the body - eg, cannot stand it if people leave hair in sink, on shower walls, in drain etc. Maybe your boyfriend has the same issue. If you know you shed hair so much and it bothers him, there are easy solutions - why not just take lint rollers with you to do a quick once-over of soft furnishings, get a robovac to go around and pick up hairs after you or do a quick sweep with the hoover daily or whatever. Be vigilant for hair hanging around everywhere. Not gonna lie, it would bother me if someone else's hair was all over my house all the time. I would just find it so gross. It's not a comment on you personally or anyone personally, I just hate hairs being around.

No but it does mean if your thinking long term this probably isn't the one

@Watchkeys Because I do agree with that first post. If OPs bf is saying things that cause her to feel bad about herself that needs addressing in a calm, but assertive manner. As for the following paragraph, all my own work! I think it’s sad when people find any part of themselves truly gross - even their toenails. Why is it that hair and toenails are considered fine when firmly attached to a human, but gross when they become detached? It doesn’t make any sense! But I suppose there are lots of human body parts that are gross if they become detached….🦵💪🤔😂