2 AIBU in one, table etiquette and in-laws..

This is the sort of thing my parents would do because they are a bit set in their ways and it would be a funny anecdote to tell other people later on. I wouldn't be angry about it because I generally don't think that they're trying to make a point when they do these things and if they were it wouldn't be a point about something I feel strongly about.

Either you're totally unreasonable and need to get a grip or it's symptomatic of them being weirdly critical of you in general and so you're taking it as some sort of commentary on you as a person/family. Either way, is it worth spending your emotional energy on? It's not a criticism of how you're raising your children or your career choices or anything that actually matters, it's...cutlery.

in your shoes i wouldn't have waited for them to realise the timing was inconvenient and change the trip. I would have told DH that it was inconvenient and if he didn't want to tell them (in clear language) that they weren't to come i would have. At the most i'd have told them to book to stay in a hotel or somewhere.

You know your ILs - so you will know if it's a PA dig at you. Ignore them. Next time just wrap the cutlery in a napkin and let them do what they want.

I'm still waiting to hear how the poster who doesn't use knives cuts their food, do they just pick it up with the fork and gnaw at it?

Relax, stop looking for a reason to claim you are better than them....Seriously....

What an odd thing to be bothered about when there is so much going on.

"Rage" for this. Honestly, get some perspective.

I think the real question is why you are fannying around digging out a gravy boat for them if you are moving.

I would just probably burst out laughing and ask them if they think that's the normal way? I'd probably tease them in a light-hearted way about it, and then say, 'well, each to their own. Maybe it'll catch on?'
I honestly wouldn't care how someone places their cutlery though. I'd be too busy serving dinner. They must be really annoying in other ways I'm imagining?

I honestly would prefer my guests move their own table setting to suit them, I really couldn’t get worked up about this, maybe the stress of everything has got to you.

To be honest I think you and your DH (especially him) need to take responsibility here. You should have just told them they couldn't come, its madness trying to host while packing to move so I imaging even them breathing is annoying you.
As for which way knife blades are facing? aint nobody got time for that

How uncouth of your inlaws, I do hope they didn't drink directly from the gravy boat or scratch their genitals with the cake forks as well?

The knives thing would drive me bonkers!

That’s kind of brilliant as a remedy. (Both my dad and PILs do this. Even in restaurants, my father regularly takes the plate out of the waiter’s hands and starts eating as soon as plate meets table. Then he bolts his food. If it’s a large group, or if it’s at home, he’s often finished eating before the last to be served has picked up their knife and fork.)

Good grief.
In that situation at mine they would have been eating chips out of a paper packet, that they would have gone to collect 🤣

YABU, you're not the gate keeper of other people's comfort.

43 years old and pretty run of the mill middle class

Never in my life knew there was a correct way to lay the table with knives. I usually just throw a bunch of knives and forks in the middle of the table

I think this is definitely the straw that broke the camels back. But I think there's a lot of built up tension and passive aggressive behaviour here on both sides.

I would have just told them the dates no longer worked and if they did still come we'd be eating out or getting a take away. Not eating a meal that required side plates and a gravy boat!

This seems like a total storm in a teacup. Once the date of their visit became unsuitable, you should have asked them to postpone it, not just fester in silence getting irritated by their table settings. They think you’re wrong about the cutlery placement. It’s a deeply lower-middle class thing to be bothered about, either way. As is unpacking ten boxes to find a gravy boat in the middle of a house move.

It’s correct in France to set a table with the tines of forks facing down. This is just as unimportant.

This is absolutely insanely British. Instead of being upfront and telling them you can't host or at the very least make it clear it's going to be easy meals, you hope that they will cancel themselves then you set about making a full on dinner with gravy boats, side plates and various sets of cutlery placed according to 'etiquette'. Then you lose your shit because they turn a knife a different way round than the way you think is correct. Madness.

I can understand how this would be annoying.

On the the plus side at least they waited for you to sit down.

My DPIL would start serving themselves and eating before everyone was sat down. It wasnt intentionally rude just they had got in the habit of only thinking they needed to be ready to eat.

We solved that by not putting any cutlery out until the last person brought it with them to the table.

If they moved their own cutlery, they are just ignorant.

If they changed the entire table, they are extremely rude - and proud to be ignorant, meaning they are also stupid 😂

I would just feel sorry for people who lack basic manners, it's not worth being annoyed about it.

First of all YABU for not using your words to move the visit. I would notice the cutlery, judge them and forget it.

Then you mentioned having to find the gravy boat. No sympathy whatsoever. Talk about making unnecessary work for yourself, what’s wrong with people serving themselves from the saucepan as you’re midway through a house move? Or getting takeaway? Or eating out.

I trust you only looked for the second best linen, OP.

Clearly a straw that broke the camel's back moment! If it's any consolation, my in laws have form for coming over, watching me prep a meal, set table etc then, as I'm serving up announcing, "oh, we're not eating/not hungry/just want a sandwich"

Used to drive me mad it was so rude now I just roll my eyes and get on with it. Getting them to actually sit at a table is almost impossible so I just don't bother anymore.

It's not incorrect though is it? It is one way of setting a table based on conformity with predesigned rules on dining "etiquette". But actually you can set a table any way you like- nobody is policing this and you will still be able to eat your dinner perfectly fine if the knife is facing outwards. It actually baffles me how people get worked up over this. As if you are some sort of higher being because you know the "correct" way to set a table.

I wouldn't blame the DS for not mentioning the chickenpox. He's not the one getting arsey that you didn't know/hadn't responded on Instagram. Such weird behaviour. If I had wanted my Mum to know one of children was poorly when they were younger, I would call her/message her directly. Not blame her for not picking it up from social media.

FInger buffet