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Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

209 replies

LooLou89 · 22/07/2024 10:14

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

OP posts:
courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 10:22

Sunshineafterthehail · 22/07/2024 10:21

He wanted you to beg him to come. Making out he is sooo important to your day. Bloody man child.

i really don’t get that vibe at all

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 10:21

whilst i think he was i fair to have a go at you about what excuse you gave in his behalf

he is damn right insofar as you were testing him

Sunshineafterthehail · 22/07/2024 10:21

He wanted you to beg him to come. Making out he is sooo important to your day. Bloody man child.

Lentilweaver · 22/07/2024 10:21

I think he could have made the effort, given your sister hardly visits. Amd got over his grumpiness.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2024 10:21

You shouldn’t have said he didn’t have to go if you meant he had to go. So I agree you were testing him. He accepted the offer of declining it and now you’re complaining.

Octavia64 · 22/07/2024 10:20

You asked him, he says no.

You asked him again, he said no

You get back and say it's weird he wasn't there.

Feels like you are putting a lot of pressure on him.

He didn't want to go. He said so. Twice.

Sparklfairy · 22/07/2024 10:19

"My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

That isn't asking him to come, it's asking what he thinks. If you'd communicated fully and said 'everyone else is going to be there, what excuse shall I give if you don't want to go?' that would have made it clear it will be awkward for you if he doesn't show, and if he wants to avoid it, he needs to help with the excuse.

As it was, you made it sound breezy and up to him, and you took all the responsibility for the angst of the excuse.

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 10:19

4 obviously this is one issue amongst many in a marriage that is struggling?

courgettes4eva · 22/07/2024 10:19

this is odd

1 why would you want someone like this present at a rare and special family occasion?
2 you provide no clue as to his relationship with your family
3 you said he didn’t need to come but then went back again on the issue

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