Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

My DH hates big family things! I will make excuses for him but, usually, I don't need to because he will ensure he's doing something to prevent him from coming. If I want him to come I will say "I want you at this event" and he will come and, annoyingly, be the life and soul 🙄 When he doesn't go I get comments, to the effect, the hosts are very disappointed.
I've learned to live with this so I no longer feel peeved at DH's absence.

I can see why he's annoyed tbh.

You told him he didn't have to come, then when he didn't you were passive aggressive.

Sorry but this is on you I'm afraid.

Plus no one in this day and age should have to 'suck it up' and socialise when they don't want to.

You said he didn't have to come straight away, then asked again and he said he'd prefer not to go. He did nothing wrong.

Its odd he dislikes spending time with your family so much, especially as your sister doesn't visit often.

But if you want him there say so. Don't change your mind, mention it again in passing them blame him for sticking to the original plan.

Why didn’t you just say I want you to come. Why say you don’t have to, then ask him the day before if he wants to, then complain about it.

if you want him there, tell him.

Or alternatively, rather than just saying “I know it’s not your thing, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d come”, OP has refused to ask outright and done the whole “But I want him to want to come! 🙁” thing. It’s manipulative - like when someone says “Oh no, don’t bother getting me anything for my birthday/our anniversary” and you know damn well they’ll raise merry hell if there’s no present.

OP gave her partner a get-out clause and is now fed up because he called her bluff and took it.

You both need help with communication but I can understand why DH is pissed off. You gave him an out, he took it, you then blame him. He couldn't win.
I rarely attend DH's family events. The same stories trotted out, year on year. They talk about people and events that I have no idea of and, if I'm honest, they aren't particularly nice people. I may be projecting but I can see why he's angry.

I don't think you were testing him at all. Perhaps you weren't communicating expectations clearly, but what I read from your post is he didn't want to exert himself to go, but didn't want to look like 'the bad guy' for his lack of effort, and wanted you to make it all look OK, with him making no effort at all.

My DH is mostly great about family things, but moans a bit about some of the things we need to do related to DD's hobby (which involves other families/parents as well), and the deal there is either go or don't go, but don't go and then be grumpy, and don't not go but expect me to make up some elaborate reason so you still get to be the great sociable one next time. Make your own decision like a grown up and own it.

It sounds to me like the OP's DH wanted to not go, but have everybody still think he was marvellous and had a very good reason for not going, when really he just didn't want to.

He should have known he was supposed to come for a whole family event like that really, does he often avoid socialising?

If this was a reverse people would be telling the woman that she shouldn’t have to go to an event with inlaws she didn’t want to be around. I don’t know why you told him he didn’t have to come and you’d make an excuse when you didn’t mean it and then came back and brought up the fact he wasn’t there.

You weren’t clear at all in your message, you didn’t tell him he had to go you asked again if he wanted to, which of course he didn’t as he doesn’t seem to like your family.

Most people would suck up a 2 hour visit every few years, the fact he won’t either suggests a big backstory with your family, or a total breakdown in your family unit with him. Possibly counselling might help you both communicate better going forward.

He sounds a grumpy anti-social bugger but I think you need to work on your communication. You seem to have communicated about this in half-questions and oblique replies, rather than being clear and upfront.

If between your first and second conversations you'd said "I've been mulling on this visit from my sister, it's turning into a big family thing and I'll feel weird if you're the only member of the family not there. I know I originally said it was fine if you didn't want to come but on reflection, I'd really appreciate it if we could go together after all - will you come?" how would he have reacted?

If you want him there don’t say he doesn’t have to go, or ask him whether he wants to or what he thinks. Say you think it’s an important family thing and you’d like him to come and be pleasant about it - perfectly reasonable expectation of a spouse, unless there’s a backstory.

He should go and go with good grace, doesn’t mean he should have to want to go or not take an out if you repeatedly present him with one.

And texts during work, the day before, is not a sensible way to have a conversation with him about something you know he is reluctant to do.

I think you need to be a lot less ambiguous in your communication. If on reflection you decided it was too weird for him not to be there after saying he didn't have to, you should have said "I've been thinking and I'd really prefer you to come as if will look weird. Will you come after all please?" Because sending a text asking him 'what do you think?' Is just going to get you what he thinks. Which is that he doesn't want to go.

I'm afraid you really didn't make it clear that you wanted him to come. I do see why he is annoyed about it.

Yeah you said that he didn't have to come and you didn't actually say in your text that you wanted him to.

Next time just tell him you'd like him to come

You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

talk about misleading him op

Communication issue.

i wouldn't have got that you wanted me to go from your message, I'd have thought you were just double checking I still didn't want to!

but we’re always telling mumsnetters “to tell DH he can take the kids alone” to in law events that they hate / feel unwelcome / feel uncomfortable etc in

Yes, you told him he didn’t have to come and you’d make an excuse, you confirmed again that he didn’t want to come and then you told him it was weird that he didn’t come. Not sure if testing is the right word but you’ve not done a great job at communicating

I don’t think so. The weird mood was him wondering how to get out of it and he was clearly happy when OP said it was ok not to go.
I think that he didn’t want to go and was happy to be told that it was fine not to go.

Yeah you said he didn't need to go then said he should have gone. I think you should have been clearer you.were worried about it looking odd before going so he could decide if he wanted to continue to be grumpy about it

Honestly, suck it up. OP says he hates family stuff and is often grumpy. I say, get over it once every two years. Unless there's some back story about her sister abusing him. Unlikely. Why does she have to beg and plead?

My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think? is not asking him to be there. You previous conversation made it sound like it was acceptable to say no and this text suggests ya the same.

but aren’t you curious about his relationship with her family?

Would he come to a family even normally?

Why has he been in such a funny mood lately

"Testing him" is such a wierd phrase?