Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

That’s not really what’s happened here, he wants her to not make him feel bad, which is totally different, he’s not asked for her to make him feel good, nor is that what the threads about.

You asked him to go, saw he didn’t want to then told him he didn’t have too.

Then you brought it back up knowing he didn’t want to go which let’s face it was you trying to get him to change his mind.

If you really wanted him there it should of been “I know you don’t like these things but can you just suck up this meal since I really want you there and then you can skive off the next one haha”

He's being a total pain in the arse.

Fine if he doesn't want to go but wanting you to make him feel good about not going is incredibly immature.

@LooLou89

i agree with @musicforthesoul you didn't ask him to go with you, you asked him if he was sure he didn't want to. Totally different questions.

you gave him the OK not to go, now you're bitching that he didn't go.

no wonder he's pissed off

This is once in two years so not comparable. If it was every week, i can understand him being grumpy.

So a wife has to go to every single thing her husband does with his family?

I don't think that you were testing him. I think that you picked up on the fact he didn't want to go so you gave him the option, but it wasn't what was expected or what you wanted. Hence the wavering.

He's feeling guilty because that he knows that he should have gone rather than paying games.

Write this time off and be blunt the next time. Tell him that you would like him to go and then ask him if he's going. He still gets the option but it's up to him. No cushioning. When your family ask, tell them the truth. He's an adult and not a child who has to be mollycoddled.

not. this. man.

Never has been.

So Op needs to address the fundamental problem - either therapy or divorce

but playing games like this isn’t going to do a damn thing

and that is not this man
as well she’s known
for years
so the choice is hers as he is clearly not going to change. Especially if she plays games like this

Did you actually want him there? Or were you simply telling him it was weird without him?

If he's grumpy I wouldn't want him there anyway putting you on edge. It's probably weird if it's the first one he misses, but if you're not bothered about him being there and he doesn't want to go tell him in advance of the next event that if he doesn't want to be there that's absolutely fine but he needs to provide you with a valid excuse to tell the family as you're not going to be responsible for lying to them when you're already the one facing the awkwardness of them wondering why he's not there.

I'd also probably tell him you'd rather he wasn't there if he's just going to be grumpy. But whatever you do, it shouldn't be causing you extra worry or stress while he gets to sit at home child free playing playstation.

Why would it be weird? Can't you do anything without him? They're your family not his, you spent years living with them without him. Why make him go if he doesn't want to, it'd probably be even more awkward with him there if he didn't want to be there.

He should have made the effort

You should have been clearer that you expected him to go

Both a bit BU

She didn't. She wanted the man who is supposed to care for her to put himself out for two hours to be pleasant and sociable with the people she loves. It's really not acceptable that people get to just 'be grumpy' so other people excuse them from everyday courtesies. Grumpy is a choice and he should choose not to be.

The default shouldn't be that he doesn't go though. The default should be that he goes and acts like a fucking adult because he's OP's husband not a moody teenage boy.

You should have said « I know you don’t like these things but it means a lot to me if you could come » because that’s how you feel.

It’s not ok to say « it’s fine not to come I’ll make an excuse » if you don’t actually mean that!!! And then guilt tripping him after- it’s not ok!

Id be fuming if I were him!

I totally admit though I told him that was OK. I don't know why I did that. He's always so grumpy at that stuff so i guess I thought it would be less stressful without him.

So he thinks it's okay to be irritable around your family? Are you allowed to be grumpy around his? I would absolutely not be okay with this kind of dynamic going forward. If he's going to opt out of seeing your family, return the favour and make him take the kids on his own to see his relatives, leaving you free to read in the garden all day.

He's always so grumpy at that stuff

so why did you want him around to spoil a rare family get together with your sister?

Does he ever get an opportunity to play games without you and the kids in his hair though? (And do you ever get a similar opportunity?) I can see how if that’s the only time he gets it’s fairly tempting to avoid a family thing he doesn’t like.

you say he’s been grumpy for weeks

have you probed as to why?

Well I can see why he was annoyed, you said it was fine for him not to go but in reality it wasn't. Communication lies at the heart of this issue. But what is the back story? Does he not like your family? If he is regularly skipping out on events with your family it does have an impact on the relationship dynamic, which will be hard work to work past the resentment etc.

Cross posted: if it's a one off then chalk this one up poor communication. Address it l, apologise and move on.

Think this sums it up really well honestly!

when you were honest he felt guilty and that’s why he reacted like he did, I’d say

I think he's right.

You told him he had free choice, and then you didn't like the choice he made.

You second message didn't say you wanted him there, it gave him another opportunity to choose.

You asked him twice if he wanted to go and even went as far as to offer to make an excuse if he didn't want to, it isn't fair to make him feel guilty about not going now.

You should have been clear from the get go. "My sister is over and we are having a get together, I would like you to come with us."

Say clearly " I want you to suck it up and not be a grumpy old Victor Meldrew" once a year. That's not too much to ask.
My mum likes to take me to family stuff that I don't enjoy, but I suck it up for her.

I think you need to communicate more clearly and so does he. Not sure if therapy is an option but if not, why not say:

• I should have communicated better with you. I told you it was ok not to come, but I actually didn’t mean it, and that was the wrong thing to do.
• in hindsight, I wish I’d asked you to come because it means a lot to me to spend time with my family
• I didn’t mean to test you - it wasn’t deliberate! I just didn’t think enough about how I’d feel when I got there and everyone else’s partner was there
• in future, I’d love you to be at family events [when my sister comes to town / once a year / once a month / whatever matters to you]. Would that be ok, and what could we do to make that nice for you as well (eg book a hotel rather than staying, he goes out with his mates the next day, you make a point of not complaining about visiting his in laws, you say you’ll leave when he asks, etc)?

and I’d want him to say sorry for being aggressive about it and accusing you of doing it on purpose!

but no one really wrong, I think, just poor communication all around