Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

You are both wrong.

As you don't have any issues with family, there was no excuse for him not fancying it. Your sister is hardly ever here, so quite frankly, suck it up.

But you should have been clearer on your expectations rather than half allowing him to opt out.

Oh god, another man who can’t think for himself and needs a woman to use small, simple instructions for him to behave like an adult. I bet he doesn’t have to speak to you like that to be involved with his family. Sometimes you just have to suck it up even if it’s not the most fun thing to do, it’s called being part of a family unit. Why can’t he use his own initiative about these things? It’s not a communication issue, it’s a manchild one.

You didn’t say ‘will you come’ you said ‘do you want to come’. Those are two completely different questions. Your man isn’t a mind reader. You need to be clearer about what you want and if you aren’t then don’t blame him for not getting it right.

You told him he could skip it, and he did. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

The absolute most generous interpretation of your behaviour here is that you've been silly.

I hope your communication style is much better in other areas of your marriage, as this is just weird.

You must be clearer about your needs and you can't tell someone they don't have to do a thing, while expecting them to do it nonetheless.

There is no issue between my H and my family at all. They are so lovely to him and he would say that same.

He's always so grumpy at that stuff so i guess I thought it would be less stressful without him.

OP to me there seems to be a significant disconnect between these two statements. What actually is his relationship with them? Why is he always grumpy?

While in this particualr instance it's down to you not saying what you mean, it feels like there's something deeper going on here.

What a miserable partner, of course he should go

Exactly. If someone says it is entirely up to me, I assume it is entirely up to me. If they say they really want me to do something then I try and psych myself up to do it. I assume people say what they mean. This may be unusual, but I've always done this. I assume people mean what they say.

Your attention was clearly elsewhere. How dare you!

Exactly this. If someone did that to me, I would be upset. And I wouldn’t feel that I could trust or rely on that person.

OP, I think you wanted him to go happily and willingly, and were disappointed that he'd rather stay at home on his own. I think you gave him to option to stay behind because he's passive-aggressively spoilt family get-togethers in the past, but really you were hoping he'd step up and act like a decent husband and share the chance to see your sister.

If you were constantly seeing your family it'd be one thing. But your sister lives abroad and this was a rare opportunity for a get together. I'm sorry your DH was so shit about it, and I suspect this is the thin end of a crap wedge in your marriage.

Next time just say please come, I would like you to be there

You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"
Did he maybe take this as you didn't want him to come or it's not important that he does? You can't give him an out then get upset he takes it. Why was it awkward, could you not just say he already has plans with friends? Also messaging the day before but not actually saying you'd really like him to come isn't telling him to come. You need to get more direct with your request

I don't think you were necessarily testing him, but you weren't very clearly communicating.

In your shoes, once I realised it would be weird I'd have just said "hey, I know I said you didn't have to come, but I've realised everyone else's partners will and it will be weird/embarrassing if you're the only one not so could you please come?".

If he then refused, it would be justifiable to be annoyed with him as he's being difficult but still mostly your fault.

Or maybe he wanted a day away from his wife who can't take No for an answer and has to make a meal of it.

Give over, he wanted her to lie about the reason.

He didn’t refuse.

Stuff like this definitely was a factor that helped grind my marriage to thread bare and then nothing.

Hamming up the curmudgeon: framing visits as such and imposition they were having to do; needing to be begged to go; having to leave earlier and earlier; then not going but needing to be made look good with the excuses. The absolute outrage when I stopped making excuses and just said -he didn’t want to come. Something he wasn’t prepared to do himself, and absolutely not something he was prepared to take any responsibility for the consequences to our marriage and my respect for him.

Your husband is a baby OP, unable to control his own emotions and expecting you to do it for him.

This isn’t about your sister, it is about him bullying you into compliance.

He didn't refuse though, he was told he had free choice. If OP had said she'd like him there, he'd have gone.

I'm also not sure why wanting some time for video games is any worse than any other hobby.

Ugh. If my husband refused to attend a big family event I'd be rethinking the relationship, and that's before we even get to the reason being so he could play video games! What a selfish child he is.

My OH isn’t keen on family events (even for his family). If I want him to go I just say so and if I’m not bothered I just say so. I also don’t make excuses for him. I accept on mine/kids behalf and say he isn’t going to come. I’ll happily give whatever excuse he requests if it’s his family. If it’s mine I just shrug and say he hasn’t come because he doesn’t feel comfortable in big groups (true). I enjoy seeing and catching up with my family and it’s often more fun being alone so I can do exactly what I want/stay as long as I want.

DH probably behaving like this because he's embarrassed that he didn't go out for the day with your family and wanted to play computer games etc. Bit difficult to come up with an excuse to cover that!
Let him get on with it - personally think he was out of order.
FWIW, my DH is making petty excuses for not going to a big family gathering (his). I'm going irrespective and letting him get on with it. I'm unimpressed by his decision but am letting him make his own excuses!

Massively YABU.

You said he didn’t have to go and offered the make up a reason why.

He didn’t want to go so took you at your word.

Then you went back on it and implied he was unreasonable for not going ?!

I wouldn't have pushed him on the subject, he doesn't want to go end of.
I'm not a social animal and hate big family get togethers so I don't go. Anyone gets offended it's their problem, I'm not bothered. I don't 'suck it up' for anyone.

My OH is the same, in that he hates attending family events. He’s happy for me and DC to go and he will come to Christmas, our birthday get togethers but is not interested in anything else. I hate this as my family is very close and admittedly live in each others pockets. I see my parents and sibling at least 3-4 times per week. This is his worst nightmare. He is a solitary creature and would prefer to sit at home playing video games than socialise with my family. His family are not close in the slightest so he doesn’t feel the same.

I’ve come to the realisation over the years that I’m happy seeing them and he is happy at home and that’s fine. If it’s something I really want him to attend, such as a wedding, I will ask and he will come. I think that’s fine for a compromise in the grand scheme of things. I think to myself, would I prefer him to be there and uncomfortable/miserable and wanting to leave soon after he got there. And the answer is no. I absolutely get your frustration but you did give him the option so I don’t think it’s fair to be upset about it afterwards.