Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

There is no issue between my H and my family at all. They are so lovely to him and he would say that same. He just wanted to stay home and play video games without me and the kids in his hair. He told me that.

Jesus, pathetic.

You didn’t ask him to come you asked him if he wanted to come

In the immediate situation here I think you can’t have it both ways: if it’s important enough to you that you want him to come you need to tell him directly and not say you don’t mind.

However I think it’s lame in the extreme that he regards it as such a chore to exert himself once in a blue moon or spend time with your family. I couldn’t respect someone who tried to get out of a rare family gathering to stay home and play video games.

Or he just didn’t particularly want to go.

Personally in your shoes I wouldn’t make an excuse for him, he didn’t want to go and I’d say so… when he asks what you said I’d say ‘I said you didn’t want to come’….
He’s a grown man FFS! Tell him to grow up!
He didn’t want to come and didn’t go so why did he even ask you about it? He’s made himself feel guilty by questioning you and frankly he’s testing you by putting you in that position…. Hence why I wouldn’t lie to my family for him! Next time don’t invite him! Then when you’re asked where he is and why he didn’t come you can simply say ‘he’s at home and I didn’t invite him!!’

😂

You said don't come here agreed not to come.

You changed your mind and sent a message encouraging him to come he said no.

I'd say that's on you if you wanted him to come you shouldn't have said don't come.

The telling family, really he should making his own apologies and why should you lie for him?

Is there anything you do for him that you don't like? If so, stop doing it. If he isn't prepared to do stuff for you don't do it for him.

I don’t think she was testing him, I think she was treading on eggshells, trying not to make a grumpy bastard even more grumpy because it makes her life miserable. So she was trying to keep the peace by giving him a get-out but hoping he wouldn’t take it. Hoping he’d act like a reasonable adult and make the decision himself that the right thing to do was make an effort and come. But he didn’t, because he’s a pathetic man-child who’d rather play video games. And then he’s happy because in saying it was weird he didn’t go, she puts herself into the wrong in his eyes, so he can then wallow in more grumpiness.

Just my take on it.

Not sure you’re entirely happy in this marriage OP? My friend ended her marriage because her husband was always playing video games by the way.

I'd be really upset if I were him.

OP: "You don't have to come"
Him: "ok"
OP: pissed he didn't come

Him: *pissed she told me I didn't have to come, now making me feel guilty for not coming, and WORSE, made me look like a jerk as she told me she'd made up an excuse, and didn't.

If you want him to come, you need to tell him. And pick the ones you actually want him to attend. And I wouldn't make excuses. If asked just stay he stayed at home. I totally understand wanting him want to be there or not really questioning if he fancies it. But wanting to be part of the extended family etc.

My partner doesn't like family events and they're a lot lore enjoyable for me when he doesn't attend. Just knowing he's likely miserable kinda makes me enjoy it less.

More open communication required.
You wanted him there & should have said so. If he still refused to come then you need to consider what else he does or does not do to prioritise you & vice versa.

Us women are good at getting subtle hints and reading between the lines but the men not so much! They need clear and direct instructions. Having said that OP you were put on the spot a bit having to come up with an excuse, and he obviously knew that was not going to look good. I wouldn't have married someone who would prefer to sit on his ass playing video games than see my family so you have my sympathy there.

You shouldn’t have made an excuse for him. Yes, it’s weird but some relationships work that way. My daughter and her boyfriend are like that - he doesn’t really get involved with our family and she doesn’t with his. Tbh it’s odd that we make our partners spend time with our families when they often don’t like/get on/want to. Your hubby is married to you, not them. It works both ways - if you don’t want to spend time with his family you shouldn’t have to either. If you’re being honest with yourself, did you want him there to share the event, or simply so that you weren’t embarrassed and felt you had to make an excuse? There’s no need for excuses. My daughter usually says that her boyfriend decided he wanted to stay home and do some things around the house, and we take the hint. If he doesn’t want to spend time with us I’m not going to pressure my daughter into forcing him! But it sounds as though you think there’s more to it. If he’s generally acting grumpy and unhappy maybe try to get to the bottom of it - that sounds more important right now. He’s a grown man and it’s not up to you to allow him to attend or not attend any event. X

I wouldn't bother making excuses for him.
Just tell everyone the truth, he doesn't want to come.
Then, if they happen to see him, they can ask him why he didn't want to join the family, and you can leave him to make his own excuses.

My husband hates family get togethers and socialising.

I told my family years ago that he hates these types of things.

They love and accept him even if he doesnt want to have dinner or parties with them.

He and I agree in advance when there are events that duty requires attendance, funerals, weddings, major events, and include the exit strategies and how we support each other.

By communicating openly, his weirdness (unsociable/sociably inept/anxiety), is completely accepted and understood and we avoid upsets.

Be a team. Be kind to each other. Don't set traps.

Men generally don't think the way we do imo. They can't read minds and nor do they get hints. I'm always direct and unambiguous with my DH and we rub along just fine. Communication is the key here!

He doesn’t want to go. End of. You’re acting like a puppet master

It's mumsnet logic (driven heavily by projection): wife's family good. Husband's family bad.

Lesson from this is to be more clear when communicating and say exactly what you want and to accept a "no" if that is the answer. You can say that you are disappointed that he can't put himself out for others, but don't ever offer to make excuses or anything for him.

This.
He's not a child not to be able to make this choice.

Indeed if dh every uttered those amazing words “you don’t have to come to my mothers this weekend for gathering” I think my heart would skip a beat and I’d honestly fall in love a little more. If I accepted that amazing offer then after he was like well
why didn’t you come, I wanted you to come…

Id be like huh wtf you said I could stay home it was your idea!!!

You offered him the choice of not coming. He (gratefully) accepted it. I hate that sort of affair too.