Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think? is not asking him to be there.

You see - I disagree with this. Because a lot of British people ask things in this rather oblique way. Think “would anyone like this last potato?” instead of “can I eat it?” or the “only if it’s no trouble” riders that people add to things. So unless the OP is usually absolutely direct in her speech, then her DH would have known exactly what she meant by what she said: that she wanted him to come to the family event with their kids.

Agree with others that DH sounds like a moody teen! “How was I supposed to know?”/“you didn’t issue a formal request in words of one syllable”/“I wanted to play my computer games”. I am petty, but I’d throw this one back at him next time there’s something on that he wants to do. “There’s football on at the pub on Saturday” = you didn’t tell me that you wanted to go there and watch it, you just told me the fact that it was on etc. See how he likes it in reverse…..

Yes. You would have annoyed me, too.

That's pretty shit of him not making an effort for you and your family.

We all do things we don't want to sometimes, to please those we care about.

Sounds like he's a moody, stroppy man ☹️

and this is a consequence of that

Yes it is.

this is “so clearly” a very unhappy rotting marriage

Why- because he’s a miserable fuck who has her walking on eggshells.

This is so clearly an attempt to cut off her family, (a) be difficult about going (b) use the time to really show them all how he hates spending time with them (c) getting offended when she doesn’t make him look stellar (d) weaponise point c the next time round. You think nobody here has actually experienced this dynamic.

Ah I get it OP. My husband is the same. He gets a bit stand-offish when I invite him to anything involving a group he’s unfamiliar with, so basically anything including extended family or a party arranged by a friend. He then gets really grumpy on the day. I used to be the same “you don’t have to come, I’ll just make an excuse” and then after a few times I was like fuck it. So I don’t give him that option anymore.

I do sometimes get annoyed he’s in a grump on the day as it brings me down and I feel guilty making him do something I don’t want to. My dad is the same and my mum used to miss out on so much until I persuaded her to just go alone, so seeing the same issue in him upsets me, which is why I don’t give him the option to skip something anymore. However he has social anxiety and more often than not he enjoys himself once he shows up so that also encourages me to no longer give him the option to say no.

Unfortunately your husband is right, you did give him the option so as annoying as it is, he is not in the wrong, though I get what you mean that it shouldn’t be this complicated inviting him somewhere.

Neither was I diagnosed until 2 years ago, age 45, and I didn't even realise I was on the autistic spectrum until 2020 when I really struggled post lockdown. My dad and brother have never been diagnosed but we all now recognise they have many traits too. My parents have really struggled in their marriage because they had no understanding that they were made differently and my mum just thought my dad was being "bloody-minded". When my dad was diagnosed with depression 25 years ago, my mum told him he didn't have depression as he'd always been "a grumpy miserable sod" and that made him feel much happier weirdly!! Sadly he was never assessed for Aspergers (as it was called then).

Obviously I know absolutely nothing about the OP and her DH. I'm simply sharing my experience. (Having a diagnosis has been life changing for me, hence being slightly evangelical, sorry.)

If its important to you then you need to speak clearly, not talk in riddles.

Personally I would not want to beg my husband to come with me, I would not even invite him to the next family thing, I would say when I am going to a family thing I will mention it but I will go alone with the children.I would not want to have to worry about entertaining a man child in the corner, i want to enjoy my time with my family. X

I would have read your text as just checking with him in case he really did want to come after all, just to be sure he does not feel excluded by you. I wouldn't have read it as an actual request to come with you, so I wouldn't have thought you were overriding your instruction of the previous day which was he didn't have to come if it he didn't want to. But you later sounded like you were offended he didn't come. I think you both just need to communicate better. If you want him to come, say so clearly.

Op's husband has not been diagnosed autistic and there is nothing to say that he is not simply grumpy or miserable for whatever reason. There are plenty of those too.

I mentioned autism two posts before yours. I'm autistic (female). I'm planning to go to my SIL's 40th birthday weekend later this year which I know I'll find difficult (250 miles from home and lots of people / social expectations). I'll decline an invitation to Asia next year to celebrate the same SIL's 10th wedding anniversary (sensory overload with different climate, foods, smells etc and difficulties with extended periods of socialising in large groups of people). I did go to Thailand for their wedding and had a stomach ache for 6 months beforehand with anxiety. Like the OP's husband, I'd find a family meal with someone who only visits once every 2 years incredibly difficult because of the increased social expectations. Even more so if it's not clear if I need to be there or not. I do love solo travels though. 🙂

the non attendance of the partner was the manifestation of a fundamentally unhappy marriage

2 examples my sister always went to family events by herself. My daughter even went to christmas day lunch without her partner just herself +kids. Both divorced.

UANBU - I think he was rude & should have made the effort anyway, whether he felt like it or not. And an adult playing video games just makes me want to puke.

thank goodness

Agree

YES, You ARE being unreasonable and unfair on your husband. You clearly haven't told us all the backstory here but you TWICE gave him the option to come along or not and he TWICE declined.
You could have just said he was ill! Nothing "weird" about that. If someone is ill they cannot attend a family event. So, obviously there is more to this story than you have chosen to divulge on here. Regardless of the backstory, someone should never be forced into doing something they don't want to...end of story.

I am not pressed enough to start a separate thread at 7.15 am.

but you posted the view on this thread

which does sort of imply you thought it about this thread

SO many threads about people asking whether weird to eat alone / holiday alone

and practically every thread i see is unanimous… go for it OP. Not weird at all!!

@politicalintrigue I am not talking about just this post, which is why I said MN is weird, not this thread. The amount of social anxiety on MN is off the charts.

exactly

unhappy marriage where people are grumpy, playing games and not wanting to be together