Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

He sounds incredibly selfish and immature.

Not to mention rude if he would sit on his phone the whole time.

We all have to occasionally put ourselves out for our partners.

I'm sorry you have such an unsupportive husband.

Aw bless you... MN can be a bit brutal at times imo, I suppose that is a risk (& probably why I don't tend to start posts ..) Wish you all the best xx🤗

I don't think you were testing him, I think, you wanted him to come and hoped he'd do so with a little nudge and he wasn't prepared to budge and is making a drama of it. He sounds selfish tbh, I'd expect effort to be made of it were my DH, most reasonable partners go to occasional things they don't fancy for the sake of people they care about and just get on with it. It's not a big ask. X

I mean yeah maybe you could’ve been clearer but even so YANBU. Can’t stand these grumpy, stroppy, menchildren. Why are so many like this??

What a horrible judgmental, denigrating, supercilious response. Why are his pastimes anything to do with you?

Many men game as a pastime and enjoy it - as they should.

I wonder what his background is. My family were never close, and whenever there was a family get together it always seemed an argument would take place. These arguments were, normally, instigated by my mother. I remember being dragged out of my grandfather's house because of a fall out with my aunt, I can remember my mother slapping my other grandfather and his cigarette end flying like a firework, and I've experienced so much more. Whenever my wife's family have get togethers, I hate every second and yes I've missed some. The feelings are horrendous, I'm not thinking of the past, the feeling just comes.

Yup same here. He will make the effort for my family, for my personal friends to come for a meal occasionally etc. I dont ask too often. I am grateful to him for making the effort for my sake and tell him so.

Sounds like a Kevin n Perry teenager

Is there some back story here, OP?

Maybe a previous love affair between him and your sister? A disagreement in the past? Something about how she acts when she's back?

I’m sure ops family and his and their friends have more than one event or gathering in a year. His opted out with permission to this one event of this year.

But nobody has said that. It's a once a year obligation for him.

I don’t see why partners have to go to every gathering. Surely missing one here or there doesn’t doom a marriage. Op have the out he accepted and had a child day.

A day with the house to himself which is often quite wanted on threads by mums. You doing a cross word or gardening or whatever is no different really to him using the empty house to chill and game.

Him being or not being just a grumpy sod in general is a possible marriage issue for you but having to go to every single family gathering or else is a death sentence to the married is over dramatic.

You've gaslit him

This. He is unpleasant so you dare not ask

I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view
what is his point of view? He doesnt enjoy them so he gets to opt out? And if you insist he attends he ruins it with his childish mood? Is that his attitude in general? What parts of family life do you get to opt out of?

He just wanted to stay home and play video games without me and the kids in his hair.
How often does he take the children out alone? How often does he plan fun things for them to do and facilitate it? How much of family life is he actively involved in? As he sounds like a manchild

I think he didn’t want to go, but didn’t want to look like the bad guy.
Does he actually like your sister/family, or is this some kind of attention seeking thing (my dad was happy to have his mates/parents round at virtually last minute’s notice, but would be like this with other family events)?

That's all fair enough - I think you needed to be more direct.

I think if you have a good relationship and you really wanted him to come you could have said you know he hates big family events but you'd really like him to be there. It's annoying he's sulking but maybe you can have a chat - you could say sorry for not being clearer from the start and he should definitely apologise for being grumpy.

You didn't ask him to go. You implied. If you wanted him to go you should have said so in clear terms. I know my own DH wouldn't get the hint.
He's put out because he DOES feel guilty and is trying to pin that on you!

It seems to me the problem here is that he's extremely grumpy, you're afraid of his moods so communicate in quite a passive, round about way that's actually making things worse.

If he didn't want to go, why do you need to make up an excuse? I would have just told him "I said you didn't want to come" it's the truth, if he didn't want people to know that, he needed to front up and go. On the other hand if you wanted him to join you, you shouldn't have given him the option or maybe asked why he was grumpy every time you brought it up. Seems to me there is a lack of honest communication somewhere.

Two things:

1. I feel he should have made an effort to see your duster at least once. Is there a reason he doesn't like her or see her?
2. if you wanted him there and said it's "weird" he wasn't there, you shouldn't have said it was OK for him not to go! Why say you'll make an excuse for him then be funny about it?

You're being unreasonable here.

You said he didn't have to come and that you'd make an excuse - then complained about doing so.

It's a shame he can't work out for himself where those goal posts should be, or be more adaptable and compromising

You’ve kept changing the goalposts on him OP! Why did you say it was ok for him to bow out only to get grumpy later when he actually did bow out?
If it was that important to you you should have said so in the first place. Yes he should have tried to make the effort but you’ve sent mixed messages.