AIBU - Having to ask permission to go out at 17 nearly 18 going to move out for university in less than 2 months

This was my mum. I often got the 'do you remember you have a mother' line if I made plans with friends.
My mum just wasn't emotionally ready to let me go, I was her baby. She was stunting my growth by loving me too much that she was holding on too tight. I think she was also a bit jealous ans couldnt accept the normal developmental stage of friends coming before family. your mum may be feeling emotional her 'baby' is about to move to uni. Bite your tongue for 2 months, it'll be different when you go home I imagine. Have a great time!

Your mum is way over the top. You sound lovely, let’s hope the next few weeks whizz by and you will never have to ask her for permission again. Enjoy your freedom!

Once you've moved out it won't be an issue. Not long now.

I'm assuming you didn't ask them for lofts or anything?

YANBU at your age. I’m old enough to be your mother (might even be older than her!) and at your age l would be expecting way more freedom. Your mum needs to unclench. As you said in 2 months most likely you will be in Manchester or Nottingham. You can hardly ring her each day to discuss what you are doing and what you’re allowed to do

My DD is exactly one year younger than you and she chats to me about her plans. Sometimes I'm concerned and I ask her how she's getting home and who she's going with but we talk about it. She's an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. I think though that once you're at Uni - and I hope you're moving away and not living at home - you'll find it very difficult to come back in the holidays to give up that hard won independence. My suggestion is to start thinking about how you're going to fund your independence now. Once you get to Uni get yourself a job and put money aside if you can so you can live away during the holidays (you can't come home because of your job…). Show them you are a capable young person and prove to them you can cope with your independence. It's the only way.

If you’re feeding back to your mother you can tell her it’s clear she has done a good job raising a sensible and independent daughter. She should be proud of you.

My ds2 21 year old still asks me if it's OK to do whatever he's going to do, I think it's just habit/ his way of telling me though as obviously he's a bloody adult and he's also going into his 3rd year of uni soon so most of the year I have no idea what he's doing until he sends pictures/messages saying what he's been up to

Do ypu need money off your parents to go? That's the only reason it expect mine to ask me if they were ok to go somewhere at 17 , it tended to be them telling me where they were going, who with and what time they'd likely be back at that age

Mine are adults now but once GCSEs were done I would only expect them to tell me where and when they were going out and when to expect them back. It seems ridiculous to me that at almost eighteen you are expected to ask permission for anything.

Actually this is the case here too. I am asked if they can invite people round but they can go out whenever they want

OP, I have 4 dds and they always let me know where they were going and we would discuss getting home arrangements, usually Uber. I never got cross or stopped them going anywhere as it is part of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself.

Hang in there as you are off to Manchester University ( congratulations by the way). I think your mum is concerned that her little girl is all grown up.

By your age my dc just had to tell me what they were doing, they didn't need to seek permission except to have overnight guests

My DC both had summer birthdays so I experienced this issue.

It don’t understand your mothers insistence on asking permission when you are readily giving her accurate information about your plans.

I can see why you chose to go to uni outside London to be honest.

Tell her that you love her and don’t want to fall out with her this summer before you leave home. You will continue to be respectful and honest re your whereabouts, but she needs to respect you too. She needs to adjust her expectations really. Are you the eldest or an only child?

My 17 year old (almost 18) always asks me if it’s ok. I’m good with that, she still lives under my roof. But I almost never say no (unless I think it’s unsafe) she’s almost an adult and I trust her. If she didn’t ‘ask’ that would be ok too, but we have mutual respect for each other, hence why I normally say yes as long as I know where, who with, and when/how she will get home.

I have a son the same age (also August 2006 born) and I’ve been encouraging him to say “I’m going out …” since he started Sixth Form. I expect a rough return time (especially if it’s overnight ) If he was going to uni then he wouldn’t have to do that but he knows that giving me that info makes me feel better.

I would just say, “Mum - I know you worry about me but I’ll be 18 soon and in 8 weeks I will be leaving home. I’ll be fully independent, managing my own cooking, going on nights out [etc - list the things]. So, I feel that it’s not really appropriate for me to still be asking my mum for permission to leave the house for a 7pm event. But obviously I’ll respect our house and not come in late and noisily, and I’ll keep you updated on when I’m heading back.”

You might need to message her every hour to reassure her you’ve not met a terrible fate whilst at the over 16’s music gig but she’s probably struggling a bit trying not to worry about you suddenly being pretty much grown up.

When I was 17 my mum used to drop me off in town and park around the corner from the club in case my fake ID was questioned and she needed to take me home 😂 when I text her to say I was fine she would go home… and she would pick me up at ridiculous hours 💙

Ah , just seen you are off to Manchester, have a wonderful time.

Your dm sounds controlling

My dds didn't have to ask permission and nor did I.

However is it your religion and culture at play

Will you be moving to a University outside London, or still living at home? If you are going to be living away from home please don’t go crazy when the leash is released - you sound like a sensible woman, so keep yourself safe and enjoy your time at University. Your parents do love you and care about you, they maybe aren’t very good at saying it in a way you can accept.