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Original poster

She wants to go on holiday?

63 replies

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:17

Hi everyone,

I am 27 and have moved back in with my mum after a breakup. My dog also lives with us. She wants to go away for the week on 23rd September to Devon and stay in an AirBnB. However, I already have plans for this date and week. 23rd Sept is the 1 year anniversary of my thriving Meetup group and we are all going to the pub. Tables have been reserved and members have made a voluntary donation towards the upkeep of the group. I then have other stuff planned for the rest of the week. All these events were arranged before she said she wanted to go away, however she wants me to cancel them and join her. I feel bad because she doesn’t have family, friends or anyone else she could go with, but at the same time I really don’t want to cancel my plans and mess people around. She is very angry despite these events being arranged before she asked me and her not having parted with any money yet. She keeps saying I should be bending over backwards for her because she only got the all clear from breast cancer a year ago and has let me move back in with her after my breakup, and that most daughters would even offer to pay for the whole thing. TIA for any opinions/advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 15:36

Sorry if I’m being too harsh! I’ll stop now xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 15:36

onethousand · 21/07/2024 15:29

are you sure it's really about company for her?
I have an adult child living at home and won't go on holiday while they are home because I know they are likely not to come.
I like to lock the house up or I couldn't relax.
I'd probably insist on them coming or I wouldn't go.

It’s probably more so she can post to Facebook ‘well-deserved holiday after being a warrior and free from cancer for a year. I’ve done so well, no one else would have coped as well as I have’ - she posts this sort of thing daily

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 21/07/2024 15:35

What? She's being ridiculous. You already have plans - can't she move the week? As for the emotional blackmail - wow. Totally out of order.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 15:33

Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 15:26

Definitely MH issue then.

Show quote history

Nothing diagnosed unfortunately. I have been researching narcissism though. She will run away screaming and physically lock herself in her room if I try and discuss anything with her. I don’t bother anymore.

I used to come home from work and ask things as simple as ‘have you managed to walk the dog today, or do you want me to do it?’ just because I need to know whether he needs to be walked or not, not to make a dig, and she’d just refuse to answer or outright lie, followed by the running to her room screaming and then refusing to come out.

OP posts:
onethousand · 21/07/2024 15:29

are you sure it's really about company for her?
I have an adult child living at home and won't go on holiday while they are home because I know they are likely not to come.
I like to lock the house up or I couldn't relax.
I'd probably insist on them coming or I wouldn't go.

Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 15:26

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 15:24

This is quite possible. I used to get a call every Valentine’s Day to travel to hers and housesit the pets ASAP, while she drove to hospital and admitted herself as a patient only to get discharged an hour later because there was nothing wrong with her. Every single Valentine’s Day.

Show quote history

Definitely MH issue then.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 15:26

diktat · 21/07/2024 15:13

Yikes. Why have you moved in with this psycho?

How much rent is she charging you?

Sounds like she will take out loans in your name. Move out asap and inform the police.

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I have refused to pay rent until I have paid the card off. She is of course very resentful that I am not paying rent, but I am resentful that she has taken out a credit card in my name and then refused to take ownership for it

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 15:24

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:43

Oh yes, definitely. She took out a credit card in my name a few months before her diagnosis and then refused to pay me back because of her diagnosis, saying I should just let it go because she has cancer. She had no intention of paying me back because I later found out that she was eligible to borrow the money in her own name and owed other family members thousands too.
Thank you xx

Show quote history

Oh dear, she does sound very dishonest ,manipulative and quite unhinged tbh. Does she have MH issues?

You need to get away from her and make a life for yourself. I know that's not easy.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 15:24

EveryOtherNameTaken · 21/07/2024 15:18

Do you think she is deliberately trying to sabotage your plans that week so you have to be with her and not move on with your life?

This is quite possible. I used to get a call every Valentine’s Day to travel to hers and housesit the pets ASAP, while she drove to hospital and admitted herself as a patient only to get discharged an hour later because there was nothing wrong with her. Every single Valentine’s Day.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 21/07/2024 15:18

Do you think she is deliberately trying to sabotage your plans that week so you have to be with her and not move on with your life?

diktat · 21/07/2024 15:13

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:43

Oh yes, definitely. She took out a credit card in my name a few months before her diagnosis and then refused to pay me back because of her diagnosis, saying I should just let it go because she has cancer. She had no intention of paying me back because I later found out that she was eligible to borrow the money in her own name and owed other family members thousands too.
Thank you xx

Show quote history

Yikes. Why have you moved in with this psycho?

How much rent is she charging you?

Sounds like she will take out loans in your name. Move out asap and inform the police.

ChilliSquib · 21/07/2024 15:11

YANBU. You are allowed to make your own plans. People shouldn't book holidays without consulting the other person.

I read your post as if your dog had booked a week's holiday in Devon and was mad you couldn't go!

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/07/2024 15:08

You need to find somewhere else to stay quickly. This will not end well. She's emotionally blackmailing you, making huge assumptions about your free time and committed fraud by taking out a loan in your name, then refused to pay it off. Frankly I would have loved anywhere else rather than with her.

3WildOnes · 21/07/2024 15:06

Why are you living with her? You clearly don't like her and with good reason! You're young, find a flat share to live in.

macaroniandcheeze · 21/07/2024 14:50

pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2024 14:33

If this is going to work (and its not) she needs to accept that there are some ground rules. Sh cant keep throwing her charity in your face.

This. She can’t offer you a place to stay and then use it to manipulate you. And same goes for the cancer, although sad and frightening for her, it’s not ok to use it to guilt you.

macaroniandcheeze · 21/07/2024 14:48

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.
If a person wants someone to join them on holiday the sensible / reasonable thing to do is to ask them for their available dates. Clearly she didn’t do this and is expecting you to drop everything. It’s one thing to express gratitude that you’re living with here, another to have to jump through hoops and let down other people.

Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:43

Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 14:38

Ah, she sounds, possibly, quite selfish and maybe using her diagnosis to manipulate people, you included.

Don't cancel your time away. It's not your fault your mother didn't check in with you about dates.

Show quote history

Oh yes, definitely. She took out a credit card in my name a few months before her diagnosis and then refused to pay me back because of her diagnosis, saying I should just let it go because she has cancer. She had no intention of paying me back because I later found out that she was eligible to borrow the money in her own name and owed other family members thousands too.
Thank you xx

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 14:38

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:33

Just to put things in perspective, one of the very few friends she did have, an ex boss, stopped talking to her. I suggested my mum ask her why. My mum’s response was: ‘no, there’s no valid reason, I only got over breast cancer a year ago, I can’t do anything wrong as a cancer patient, she should have supported me’

Show quote history

Ah, she sounds, possibly, quite selfish and maybe using her diagnosis to manipulate people, you included.

Don't cancel your time away. It's not your fault your mother didn't check in with you about dates.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2024 14:37

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:26

Fair enough!

Show quote history

No it's not

She should have checked before booking her leave

Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:36

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:33

Just to put things in perspective, one of the very few friends she did have, an ex boss, stopped talking to her. I suggested my mum ask her why. My mum’s response was: ‘no, there’s no valid reason, I only got over breast cancer a year ago, I can’t do anything wrong as a cancer patient, she should have supported me’

Show quote history

She went through a phase of habitually lying and gaslighting, so much so that I received messages from the rest of the family after her diagnosis asking if the diagnosis is genuine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:33

Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 14:29

Oh, on re-reading I see she did know about your plans so given that knowledge she is being totally unreasonable. I really don't know how there would be any reason why she would do that, it doesn't make any sense, other than to be cruel. And no, health scares, etc..are not a good reason.

Just to put things in perspective, one of the very few friends she did have, an ex boss, stopped talking to her. I suggested my mum ask her why. My mum’s response was: ‘no, there’s no valid reason, I only got over breast cancer a year ago, I can’t do anything wrong as a cancer patient, she should have supported me’

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/07/2024 14:33

If this is going to work (and its not) she needs to accept that there are some ground rules. Sh cant keep throwing her charity in your face.

Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 14:32

Doglover321 · 21/07/2024 14:25

She booked her annual leave before consulting/asking whether I would like to go away, by which point I had already made plans. I guess she just expected me to be free so far in advance

Show quote history

Ah, I see. Well, she should have asked you beforehand and not just presumed. It's her fault for not doing this and a reasonable person would own up to this and graciously accept you have other plans.

Terrribletwos · 21/07/2024 14:29

Oh, on re-reading I see she did know about your plans so given that knowledge she is being totally unreasonable. I really don't know how there would be any reason why she would do that, it doesn't make any sense, other than to be cruel. And no, health scares, etc..are not a good reason.

Gingerbread34 · 21/07/2024 14:28

Not surprised she doesn't have any friends if she behaves like that. You've already booked your events, it's ridiculous and manipulative of her to expect you to cancel all your stuff to accommodate plans she hasn't even formalised yet. Why didn't she check with you before she booked her annual leave? As others have said, I'd look for somewhere else to live.

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