Overly emotional at funerals

Yes, it’s like ‘everyone was crying, but I was REALLY crying, I was more sad than anyone else!’

I am the same OP- and hate it. I asked my therapist why I was doing in, even when I felt pretty calm beforehand and wasn’t always that close to the deceased. She said that I’m so buttoned up that it was basically an ‘approved’ outlet and once I started, basically couldn’t switch it off. Obviously she didn’t use that language- but essentially it’s like releasing a pressure valve of emotions and your brain feels like now is a good moment, given that you’re allowed to be overtly sad. Like I said- I hate it, and hate the feeling of it seeming performative/ott. I am really dreading the next occasion tbh and will use some of the tips from this thread, plus hopefully am less uptight with my emotions generally due to therapy.

I'm like you, anyone would think I'm the widow even if it's my friends Nans old neighbours funeral.
I've always been the same, just get overwhelmingly sad.
What I do now is suck on mints and think about what I'll have for tea, what I need to buy in Tesco, my next holiday.....basically anything to distract myself. Its the only way to get through it without becoming a hot mess and embarrassing myself.

I'm the opposite. Despite feeling sorrow at the loss of the person whose funeral it is, I rarely cry at funerals. No idea why not. It's like there's an invisible buffer that just stops me.
Made my mother mad at my DGF's funeral. Told me I was cold and heartless. But then she's a performance crier. (Not saying you are OP, you sound very self aware)

I have to admit, I do think yo need to work on this. Don't get me wrong - expressing emotion is a normal, natural and healthy thing but this feels excessive and is a sign of emotional disregulation. @Meowzabubz I think sums it up well - some crying is normal and fine but hysterics just takes away from the grief of the family or other people's ability to process what's happening.

I would consider therapy with the express purpose of looking for tips and to try undertand why you react the way you do.

Please do try to control it.

I remember when my daughter died I got really pissed off at people at funeral who were carrying on. Felt like they were trying to make her death all about them.

As a widow of 2.5 years I think your self awareness is admirable and will help you navigate this. At my DPs funeral I was pretty numb by that point (and drunk to be fair, yes, during the service) and I didn't care about those openly showing raw emotion. I did care about a few whose grief veered into the performative and took attention away from the proceedings. In short, wailing, breast beating or collapsing at the graveside if you're not one of the closest bereaved is an issue, but open crying is appropriate. Just my perspective. We are not robots after all. However discretion is the better part of valour. Sending strength to you and yours at this difficult time.

I wonder if anything to make you less tired at a funeral may help, not stop crying altogether but make it less or shorter. If there is a distance to travel, doing so the previous day and staying overnight, as an example.

Sorry to read of your DH's father and I hope both your DH and you can cherish the moments that remain.

i had a particularly embarrassing experience where I cried so much at the funeral of a man I only superficially knew that members of his family were comforting me. I have never been to a funeral since. I now go to a cafe near the service and join in for the wake instead. That way I am still around to support my friends but not sobbing through a service.

I nearly always cry at funerals. I just try and do it quietly and bring plenty of tissues. I think it's natural for some people to get very emotional. It's meant to be the appropriate place and time to do it. As long as you're not disrupting the service or bawling the place down. Don't feel bad about it.

I think just accept that this will happen, but try to ensure that it doesn't impact on your ability to offer practical help and support. I think people who get overly emotional can be seen as "not worth bothering asking to help as they'll just get upset" when actually they are perfectly capable and want to help.

I am also a crier, my grandfathers funeral was my first as a grown up, and I was a mess. But since then, forcing myself to be useful to those around in need, has helped me get this slightly more under control. My immediate instinct now isn't upset but wanting to help, so my over emotional response can be suppressed and let out in private later.

I think it's good you're looking at how to handle things better. Try framing sad occasions and the like as you having a role to play so remove your emotions from the situation. You can cry at home before and after but for that period of time you're in a supporting role to the primary mourners and you have to keep it together for them (ie you're 'helping' them). Think of other things at points you'd usually break down, the shopping list for the week, the next holiday you'll be booking, when the car is due for its mot etc, non emotional and slightly mundane stuff but still a distraction.

It doesn't work every time- but someone gave me the tip of pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth to stop crying. I supported a friend at the end of her life recently - and although there were of course times where I cried fully, this tip really did help me through difficult consultations, bad news, and to a point, parts of the funeral. Also, if I've done lots of crying in the run up to a funeral, I sometimes cope better than when it's a funeral for someone I'm a bit more removed from - if that makes sense. Certainly that was true for my friend, I coped far better at her funeral than some others who I knew less well.

I also struggle with this op. One thing I find helpful is to try and distract myself, maybe making a grocery list in my head or that type of thing. I also try and remind myself (especially when it's not someone directly related to me who has passed) that this isn't my pain and hurt I'm just there to show support. I also try to remind myself that when others are upset at a funeral that it's a good thing and they are using this space to process their feelings and hopefully it will help to give them more closure. That what they're feeling is normal not bad.

I am exactly the same and it seems as I get older the worse it becomes. When my Nan is was diagnosed with cancer and had days left to live all the family said no crying around her etc, I went to see her and I was the only one who couldn't stop crying and I mean hyperventilating crying. I had to walk out!

Another time last week I seen a patient who comes into the surgery I work in regularly, I seen her outside the shops and she was getting upset over her husband dying and how she was struggling etc, I burst out crying and then couldn't get my words out. I was so embarrassed.

I think some people like us have an overwhelming sense of empathy and emotion and we have no cut off. I think if you get it all out and then gradually when your around your fil it will become more easy and and "normal" way of living is with what he's got.

I'd honestly just go with it, as trying to fight it is only going to shine an internal spotlight for you and will probably make it worse.

As long as the sobbing is quiet and not loud, it's not something you can help and I'm sure everyone who knows you, will know that.