Overly emotional at funerals

I'm the same and I'm not even normally a crier. So I think @Bibbetybobbity 's post probably rings true for me. It just all come out at funerals.

If you find your reaction embarrassing and over the top, you could see if some light tranquillisers from your GP help at all.

I was like this during the time that my mother was terminally ill, and that was for 5 years. When my mother actually died, I was much calmer at her funeral and have been at other funerals since.

I realise now that I was crying for her and my prospective loss but somehow when my loss was real, my grief had a focus and also I had a practical outlet because there are so many things that needed to be done.

I am not sure if this is relevant to you but we are all complicated!

Oh op, I could have written this post myself! I really struggle with this too. I went to both of my grandparents on my DM’s side’s wakes. Tried to go to my DDad’s mum’s funeral, lasted about 20 seconds and then went and watched it on a screen in the lobby (which was absolutely fine). I did manage a friend’s funeral but stood right near the door in case I needed to dash out, and another friend’s funeral a couple of years ago but it took an awful lot of effort to keep controlled enough not to make a spectacle of myself. I can really relate to what another poster said about feeling all the sadness of all deaths and sad events all at once when someone dies- that’s exactly what I have too.

I have avoided memorials of 2 others more recently, one quite close to me because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s awful. The fear of dominating the event with my own hysteria is such a worry. I’ve got no idea how I’ll manage when it’s people even closer to me.

I have done the counting, sipping water, self distraction with shopping lists etc as others have said. Beyond that, just know you’re not alone.

Thinking about where you sit may also help you feel this is managed.

Being away from close family if the deceased, will mean that you know you are not upsetting them.

I can relate to this and find that little mindfulness or vagus nerve exercises can really help to regulate emotions in the moment.

You beat me to it.

OP, this sounds very trying and tiring for you.
I'm afraid the only suggestion I have may seem ignorant, so apologies.
I would suggest watching a film, or putting yourself in a situation, that you know makes you sad and emotional.
Sort of try to channel the emotions just before the event?
Good luck

Iv mastered the silent cry I was always a real ugly cryer gasping for air but now I can have tears roll down my face in absolute silence. Keep your mouth closed and hold your breath just breathing through your nose it not about controlling your crying it's about controlling your breathing

Im fine until hymns. I can’t even try and sing. As soon as I have to think about the words I’m gone. So it might look bad but I never even open the service book 🫣

I'm like this at funerals. I also cry at the theatre, cinema and lots of things with my DC involved.

I managed to get through a funeral once by digging my fingernails into my palm.

But my FIL's funeral earlier this year, I got most of the way through and then I think the eulogy set me off and there wasn't really anything I could do. As family we had to walk up the middle of the church before everyone else left and that was mortifying. But I just thought about what I would think if I was one of the other people there and I figured they'd understand.

It's probably harder when it isn't a close family funeral as I don't think I have the right to be crying.

Of course there is such a thing as being too emotional at a funeral. If you were not close to the deceased it just comes across as attention seeking.

We have an expression in Ireland that would be used to describe someone who exhibits that type of OTT emotional behaviour. They are the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.

The op is aware her behaviour of not always appropriate and is looking for ways to avoid it happening. That's half the battle and she will hopefully reach a balance where she can mourn he fill while still providing support to her dh.

No such thing as being overly emotional at a funeral. It's a place to process grief and love. 💚

I find with every funeral they just compound all the people I've loved and lost before, in one great big sad fest. So regardless of how close I was to the latest death, I mourn them all at once. I was never much of a crier before I lost my best mate (very young) and dog (also too young) in rapid succession. Now the tears come easily.

I'm the same OP and find it mortifying if I'm honest.

I think given you will be amongst the closest mourners you may find yourself occupied looking out for them so less headspace to "think" iyswim.

My main tip though - is counting. I count almost the whole time. Means I'm not always paying the closest attention to what is being said but I can usually do both to a degree. If I find myself starting to go then I focus on the numbers again until it passes.
I wish your family a peaceful time ahead

I am the same and I absolutely hate it. Not only at funerals, but also saying goodbyes (when people are leaving work, moving away etc). Also, practically any kind of music that involves singing sets me off. It's bloody awful and there's absolutely nothing I can do to control it, so no matter how much people think I should pull myself together, that's irrelevant. To make matters worse, I am an ugly cryer. My eyes get swollen for ages, my nose is bright for ages. I have always been like this, but it has got worse with age, I think. It affects my life, because I definitely avoid things that I'd like to, or feel I should, attend, in an attempt to avoid being inappropriately emotional.

In some ways I think this is healthier than how I cope which is stiff upper lip until it’s over and deal with it and a much less appropriate time when the outpouring isn’t necessary.

it’s ok to be sad and to show it. As long as you aren’t detracting from what’s happening as others grieve in their own way then I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.

I am the same, buckets of tears at any funeral (even strangers) and God help me if they sing/play You’ll Never Walk Alone (I have to leave the church) or other funeral staples. I try not to go to the church part for any non-family funerals these days. I can cope a bit better at a removal (in Ireland) or those crematorium services as they are shorter and usually no hymns (Amazing Grace etc). I suppose in years gone by we could have made a living as professional mourners! I’m definitely going to check out the mantra and the EFT recommended above.

Don't go to the Sistine Chapel.

Totally understand how you feel OP. Your post and this thread has really made me think.

I remember breaking down at my adored sibling’s funeral as a teenager and being shushed rather than comforted. The strength of that grief - and that moment of being publicly told off at this most raw moment - was quite overwhelming and lonely. I then sadly didn’t attend my best friend’s funeral a year or so after that, because I was so afraid of crying in public again.

Every time I go to another funeral, or have to face something terminal / life changing, I struggle to function as my emotions are ‘right there’ and the feeling of loss is almost unbearable. I have got a lot better and always concentrate really, really hard not to lose it (outside of a few tears) because I know it can be unhelpful and distracting.

Lots of water and tissues at the ready (already removed from the packet in advance so there’s no rustling sound!), plenty of slow controlled breathing, remembering who is most important in the room, making sure there is someone near for a cuddle and knowing where to get fresh air if needed.

x

I empathise. I personally find it hard not to cry at funerals as it brings back memories of people I have lost in the past.

That's what I would think if I saw someone in floods of tears at a funeral who wasn't a close relative or friend of the deceased. That they were reliving their grief for their own mother/husband/best friend.

I find that grief lurks around and waits for an opportunity to get out instead of completely going away. I found myself crying when the queen died as well for that reason.

I think the perspective given here is the best OP. @MistressoftheDarkSide , I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am terrible at funerals, but I would never lean into theatrics or loud cry. Tears just stream and I bite the inside of my cheek, and when there's an appropriate minute I quietly walk off by myself if it gets too much. There isn't always a best way to be when you're emotional at funerals, but I'm sure most people would rather someone who cried than laughed.

I'm usually very emotionally controlled and work in a high pressure environment. I've overheard myself being called "stony faced" by colleagues. Little do they know I sob at daft things in movies and adverts - I cried all the way through the old version of Pete's Dragon when I had a cold the other week! It all depends as well on your period cycle too - there'll be times of the month everything hits harder due to biology, or tiredness etc...

I think that saying - it's all our first times being alive - is apt to keep in mind. No one is perfect and you shouldn't be hard on yourself for being empathetic.

I could have wrote your post. Lost my wonderful mum earlier this year and was really dreading making a show of myself. I always find any funeral difficult. And being Irish I attend my fair share.

Weirdly I was actually fine, upset but in check. I think the organising, the support around me and grief coated my nerves a little. It was a week after the funeral when something caught me off guard that I properly cried.

I have very sadly attended a friend's child funeral. Everyone just stood and cried, it was simply heartbreaking.

I think helped me realised it's not disrespectful nor is it embarrassing. It's just sometimes life is heartbreaking. And tears are appropriate.

One tip, make sure your tissues are not the aloe Vera ones.

Yes, this! OP, do you tend to bottle up your emotions usually? If so, maybe finding a way that you can let your feelings out on a regular basis would help with this. E.g. watching cathartic films?

I use a mantra in the run up to difficult events where I need to hold it together..
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HSuAAZp3WmM

I also lead and teach EFT (emotional freedom tevhnique) or tapping, which is really useful to regulate difficult emotions without feeling you are silencing or judging these feeling. It allows them to feel less intense.