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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sleepovers and things going missing, AIBU to be annoyed at this?

62 replies

Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 13:31

My DD age 11 has had several sleepovers at her best friends house. I think pretty much every time she comes back there are usually a couple of things missing and I'm getting a bit fed up of it.

A lot of the time it's an item of clothing or cables for her to charge her tablet (they use different chargers to us), I wouldn't mind so much if these things eventually came back but they never do. So far, we've lost about 10 items in their house and when I ask about it, I get told they've looked but can't find them. I now say to DD that her tablet has to be fully charged as she's not taking any more cables.

We can afford to replace but I sometimes feel anxious when things go missing, likely because I grew up in poverty and we had hardly anything so if something went walkabout, it wouldn't get replaced.
AIBu to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:35

Thank you! I just didn't know if was BU to hate this happening, I wasn't sure if people who have grown up getting all their material needs met (which i didnt for much of my childhood) might not understand my anxiety and think I'm being silly.

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NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2024 16:29

Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:28

Where did I specifically say I'm blaming the other family? My AIBU is whether I'm BU to be annoyed about the whole thing, regardless of who is to 'blame'

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Well, then you have you answer. No, YANBU to be annoyed with your eleven year old DD who is being careless with her things.

Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:28

NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2024 16:22

But what do you think is happening then?

Why is your DD losing so much stuff at this house? Why can't it be found? Why are you so keen to blame the other family and not your DD?

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Where did I specifically say I'm blaming the other family? My AIBU is whether I'm BU to be annoyed about the whole thing, regardless of who is to 'blame'

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Ginlfixit · 21/07/2024 16:27

Communication is your friend here. You just tell the parent exactly what you said here, that every time DD stays over things always go missing and can never be found. They must be somewhere, your DDs bedroom can't be that big. Job done. But of course that's far too easy...

Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:25

Actually sorry there is one thing I replaced, which was her toothbrush so an essential item. DDs friend then told me a couple of weeks later that her mum had thrown the toothbrush out when she came across it.

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Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:23

@thehousewiththesagegreensofa I haven't needed to replace anything yet, we still have a few cables at home and the other things are clothes AFAIK

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NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2024 16:22

Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:20

@SanMarzano she says she looks for the things but can't find them, not sure what her friends room is like as I've never seen it. She leaves the occasional thing in school but always finds them.

@NuffSaidSam no I'm not implying this, I'm just getting fed up of it all.

But what do you think is happening then?

Why is your DD losing so much stuff at this house? Why can't it be found? Why are you so keen to blame the other family and not your DD?

Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:20

@SanMarzano she says she looks for the things but can't find them, not sure what her friends room is like as I've never seen it. She leaves the occasional thing in school but always finds them.

@NuffSaidSam no I'm not implying this, I'm just getting fed up of it all.

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thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 21/07/2024 16:18

But your DD knows it doesn't matter if she loses things as you just replace the item and let her go on another sleepover. If she had to go without the item for a period of time and it became an inconvenience or she felt she was missing out by going on sleepovers, then these things might matter to her.
In the meantime, help her get more organised by teaching her to tidy up as she goes along and giving her a list of all of the things she has taken on the sleepover so she can check them off before she leaves

NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2024 16:12

Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:07

To PPs saying I shouldn't replace these items, I haven't replaced any of them. I said I could afford to, not that I actually have.

@AlpiniPraline the last couple of times DD has been there, I did send her back to check but the missing things were nowhere to be found. Either that or the mum says she will look instead but then she can't find them either.

If it keeps happening I don't know if I should just scale back on accepting invites. I have asked if DD friend wants to stay but I've been told no because of her anxiety

Are you implying that the other child (or someone else in the house) is taking these things? Is that the issue?

SanMarzano · 21/07/2024 16:11

I don’t think it’s that odd to take a tablet - when I was her age we took games consoles to play together so I assume similar here.

What does DD say about how these things are getting lost? Is it that the friend’s room is a huge mess and they end up being swallowed by a pile? Does she lose stuff elsewhere as well eg at school?

menopausalmare · 21/07/2024 16:08

I would make her pay to replace them from her pocket money.

Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 16:07

To PPs saying I shouldn't replace these items, I haven't replaced any of them. I said I could afford to, not that I actually have.

@AlpiniPraline the last couple of times DD has been there, I did send her back to check but the missing things were nowhere to be found. Either that or the mum says she will look instead but then she can't find them either.

If it keeps happening I don't know if I should just scale back on accepting invites. I have asked if DD friend wants to stay but I've been told no because of her anxiety

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AlpiniPraline · 21/07/2024 15:57

Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 15:10

I am doing that of course, but their 'generosity' doesn't mean I should be happy with things going missing

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It's your dd who is losing the stuff. It's not their fault. You'll have to either send your dd back to the room to look for stuff or help her look before you leave. You could give her a list of stuff she must bring back.

Penguinsoprano · 21/07/2024 15:55

YABU to send her with a tablet.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 21/07/2024 15:54

I agree, it's up to you daughter to look after her stuff.
She's careless because items get replaced quickly without having an impact on her.

Time to change that. Charger not coming back from sleepover? Sorry honey, but I haven't had time yet to order a new one.... or oh, it will be delivered next week... you just have to be without your tablet for a few days....
You'll be surprised how quickly they learn to look after their stuff!

Ruffpuff · 21/07/2024 15:25

Your daughter is 11 not 2. It’s her responsibility to come back with all her stuff.

YABU

haveatye · 21/07/2024 15:22

So I'd tell her it's her job to bring things back. If need be, she makes a checklist of things to cross off as she packs up to come home. Or she thinks through the place where she charges tablet and always checks for cable there.

But really, it would be easier if she didn't take the tablet!

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 21/07/2024 15:18

Once my children got to age 10 or 11 I refused to take responsibility for their friend’s belongings. My youngest is 13 now. If his friends leave something behind they have to sort it directly with him. And are welcome to come back and look for it. It would drive me potty if someone was staying over so often and leaving stuff behind every time and expecting me to look for it.

LuckysDadsHat · 21/07/2024 15:18

I wouldn't be replacing the items. It might make your daughter look after her things a bit more if she is inconvenienced. At the moment it sounds like things get lost and you replace them so she has no incentive to look after her things.

NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2024 15:15

Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 15:06

Again, see above re the reciprocating situation

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Dd's friends anxiety has no bearing on who you should direct your annoyance at.

It's your Dd's fault. Be annoyed at her or don't be annoyed at all.

Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 15:10

MoonAndStarsAndSky · 21/07/2024 15:08

They still don't have to have your daughter overnight though just because theirs doesn't want to come to you. You're still taking them up on a generous offer.

Tracy your daughter to value her belongings.

I am doing that of course, but their 'generosity' doesn't mean I should be happy with things going missing

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MoonAndStarsAndSky · 21/07/2024 15:08

They still don't have to have your daughter overnight though just because theirs doesn't want to come to you. You're still taking them up on a generous offer.

Tracy your daughter to value her belongings.

cookiebee · 21/07/2024 15:07

haveatye · 21/07/2024 15:02

My kids are much younger but I don't understand why she needs a tablet on a sleepover? Is that the norm? Aren't they watching a film and eating popcorn rather than going on screens individually?

Label the cable. If she loses it, she buys another or does chores to save up and buy it. She needs to take responsibility for her own things.

yeah I was wondering this as well, sleepovers were always a social thing, eating, watching a film, staying awake late and chatting, maybe I’m just getting old and out of touch 😂

Original poster
Wanderinstar80 · 21/07/2024 15:06

NuffSaidSam · 21/07/2024 15:03

It depends who you are annoyed at.

YANBU to be annoyed at your DD, she's old enough to take care of her stuff and is being very careless. Stop replacing stuff.

YABU to be annoyed with this other family. They're being very generous hosting your daughter multiple times when you can't return the favour. It's not on them to then spend time looking for stuff your daughter couldn't be arsed to keep track of.

Again, see above re the reciprocating situation

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