Sleepovers and things going missing, AIBU to be annoyed at this?

She's never really not been. There has definitely been a charger wire left but I don't think more than once.

I'd say from 10. Definitely 11. I did used to text her saying don't forget your charger and tooth brush at first.

DD is 12

I can confirm that tablets are the norm at sleepovers. They play Roblox together on them and it's very cute.

This is in no way the other parents fault. Your daughter is old enough to be able to take stuff and bring it back. What I don't get is why it can't be found. Where the hell is DD putting it? But you can't really blame anyone but your DD. Sorry.

11 is a reasonable age to expect her to manage this. Mine did and honestly she is the clumsiest, most unaware of surroundings kid I have ever seen.

This

Well for a cub or scout camp mine did so supervised from 7, independently from 10. That was with a checklist. A one night sleepover with much less needed, 8?

Limit belongings that go, send her with a list, impose a sanction if she forgets to bring something home.

Make your daughter responsible for her own possessions. Limit what she takes to an absolute minimum and keep a list in the bag so she knows what she needs to bring back. If items are missing, she will have to replace with pocket money/chores. If this doesn't improve I would say no more sleepovers for the foreseeable future until she's mature enough to be responsible with her things.

You’d hate my house. I have a pile of clothes I have no idea who they belong to. I have 3 DDs and different children here every week, I get so much stuff left. I’m not running round picking up after other peoples kids, I don’t after my own. Stuff ends up in a wash basket when my DDs clean up, if i wash it and discover it dosnt belong to us I put it in a separate pile. Things like cables I would not have a clue, that’s DHs job. The house is full of them and we have changing stations throughout the house. If a child’s old enough to have a device then they are old enough to look after their cables. But most people don’t need their own here as DH always has a selection.

i had a bunch of kids here a few weeks ago, they all went home with no socks. There was no way I was searching the house and garden for 4 pairs of school socks. I found 2 pairs in the wash that didn’t match my kids, I sent a message out, no one cared about them so they got binned.

Not sure why you're more irritated by the mum not looking after your daughter's belongings than your daughter. I support your message that if something goes missing because your daughter hasn't looked after it then you won't just replace it but you need to focus your frustration on the right person and help your daughter stop her carelessness. A list, lots of praise for bringing everything back etc. BTW I'd have definitely chucked out an old random toothbrush too.

I absolutely don't think you are unreasonable for being upset by the continuous loss of items but from the way you write about it, you do not appear to centre the accountability with your child.

She would not be having sleepovers if this problem kept reoccurring - I would simply invoke the law of natural consequences. You've been X times and lost items each time, you are therefore not ready to manage a sleep over. Its your responsibility to look after your stuff not anyone else's. You can go for a play date and return to the same day, taking no belongings. Once you can prove you can take responsibility for your belonging's then we can revisit the sleep overs. Simple. IF the sleep overs mean that much to her AND she has the ability to organise herself - she will find ways to track things in other environments.

Out of interest, who tracks her belongings at home? How often do missing items get located by your daughter or by you? Who tidies and organizes in your home is it your daughter or someone else?

But the missing things are entirely your daughter's fault.

Maybe a checklist of what to pack, not what she has packed but to stop her overpacking. 11 seems late, but mine were in cubs and packing with supervision, then independently for scouts. Then she needs to learn to put things back in her bag and not leave them around someone else's house.

It’s enough to have to do this for your own child when they are preschool or infant age but not for a secondary school aged friend of your child.

Does your daughter tend to lose things? Maybe she needs to do something practical such as writing a check list of everything that is packed so she can tick it all off to make sure it is repacked.

I'd be annoyed at her for not keeping track of her own things.

I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about looking after things. My mum used to get exasperated with me for being so careless, I didn’t necessarily do it on purpose, I just wasn’t as careful as I should be (probably down to laziness). My husband does a triple check everywhere we stay in case we have left something - I’ve learnt to be more like that!

Send your DD with a list of everything she has packed and maybe even photo it. It’s a good habit to get into anyway.

this is quite strange tho, surely clothing items would turn up in their wash and then be returned….

you are no being unreasonable

Send minimal stuff. Charge ipads etc before going so they don't get lost. Send her with pj's, clean underwear and a toothbrush.

Give limited items to your DD to take with her. Until she learns to pack her stuff as she took it and brings all her belongings back, she doesn't get to take anything extra.

If she’s aware when leaving that she hasn’t got stuff can you go in with her and help look for it instead of sending her back to look alone?

I would be annoyed too. But not at the hosts. For some reason your DD is struggling to take responsibility for her own possessions.

So I would sit down her and devise a strategy to help her look after her own belongings when she stays there. I wouldn't be limiting the sleepovers unless you have other reasons for doing that.

I would start with limiting the stuff that is taken in the first place - what does your DD really need?
When she is there, she takes something out of her bag, then when she's finished she puts it back in her bag. If charging her device, put the charger back in the bag when she unplugs the device. She brushes her teeth and puts her toothbrush back in the bag. She gets dressed in the morning and puts her pjs back in the bag. Etc Etc

My DC are all older now and we have had many sleepovers, at 11 there is no way I would be spending much of my time looking for things left behind, if they turned up I would pass them back but otherwise I would expect them to take care of their own stuff.

Definitely think your DD needs to be a bit more careful. How are things she should be keeping safe just vanishing?

Give her a list or take photos of what she's taking to remind her? Or limit what she packs. She can't need that much for one night.

Sounds like your dd is forgetful or disorganised and needs some support in making sure she brings everything home again.

Does she get pocket money? If so use that to buy replacements.

Bigger picture though - what matters more to you? That your dd has a good friend she goes for sleepovers with or that she doesn't lose things?

To be reasonable I think I would get some large neon sticky labels to put on the items thus making it easier to find. I think like some pp s have said the hosts prob can't be arsed to go rooting round. The labels would make it easier, and make the labels big and obvious. Other than that I can't see what else you can do other than maybe give your daughter some kind of itinerary/ checklist that she can physically check off before she leaves maybe?