To have just wanted to eat my dinner and have half an hour to myself

Is part of his problem that you wanted to go and do something in the garden, and he said he didn’t want you to? He suggested you do something instead that was on the kitchen table where you both were, but then you took that to the garden and stayed out there for 45 minutes, when he really didn’t want you to go for even 10 minutes?

I’m not saying he’s reasonable in all his actions, by the way, just that maybe this is how the narrative in his head goes.

A new counsellor will not “fix” anything. They are a group of unregulated snake oil sellers that will probably do more harm than good. Save your money and think of a future without this person controlling your life.

Do you mean that you literally haven't eaten all day? That's massive self neglect. Giving in then being resentful isn't the way to handle someone controlling. I do think that you need work on your boundaries and to do some work on your childhood. You shouldn't have anything to fear from your DH, so shouldn't be using the coping strategies that you used in childhood. I'm wondering if the counsellor wants you to reflect on how you react and why, when your DH tries to change what you have decided to do. You can't fully change him, you need to assert yourself. He isn't appreciating your need for downtime and just being left alone. But you need to work on saying what you want.

Tbf it sounds as though he wanted to spend some time with you. I would have felt the same as you though OP.

To add, obviously it's different dealing with a nice DP but I would declare my hunger as a priority and stick with that.

If would be really annoying to have to calm and distract the DCs after he'd wound them up. If that had been a 'didn't think it through' error, I'd have expected him to bring my dinner out to me when ready and tell them you'd both look at the books tomorrow.

This one's stuck in my head a bit. What strikes me is that your reaction to feeling tired, worn down and beyond making an effort is to take the path of least resistance by doing what you're told. (Then resenting doing it, or in this case encountering anger because you've taken a moody, manipulative instruction literally. I realise you didn't have much choice because he'd wound the DCs up by suggesting it).

What do I in similar situations? Focus on the DCs needs and my own. Say 'I really need to eat soon' so make that my DPs priority too.

I don't think I've ever not eaten all day through being busy with DCs. I'd eat something snacky while doing something with them, most likely while making or clearing up their lunch, or feeding the baby. Would still be desperate for a proper meal before being ready for conversation and desperate for a moment of relaxation though.

Not “fixing this” means living in continued pain and confusion—overwhelmed by the needs of five children and unsupported by your ass of a husband.

If I might recvomend a good book I would suggest Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From surviving to Thriving. You sound like a very driven, competent, person so you might benefit from a book that puts you in control.

I see. So you needed to be firmer about sticking with your plan to water the garden. Or agree to sit, watch and chat - thus being firm about sticking to your original plan for the books.

Essentially you need to assert yourself more habitually and say no to him more. If that's hard for you, or he reacts badly, those are the issues to examine.

In the meantime, you have a four week-old, a toddler and three other children! Just do what you need to do to survive! Look after yourself.

Whaaaat? Why didn't he tell you when your dinner was ready.

Some counsellors are not fit for the job. She sounds horrid.

You need to find a new counsellor. You being abused is not a personality flaw or even part of your identity.

It was something that happened to you - which doesn’t define who you are as a person.

For your counsellor to latch onto that as being an issue means that the counsellor is failing at the job she was engaged to do.

Control.

The OP said she was stressed and hadn’t eaten all day and he added one more thing for her to do that she hasn’t even planned on doing and she was late to eat dinner ….even though she hadn’t eaten all day.

The OP has five children and a controlling ass of a husband.

It's been a long day and I'm running behind schedule.

My mind went into overdrive at that!

Well it's all very odd isn't it?

Idk-offering to make something sounds nice but doesn't seem to have been!.

Can't imagine preparing food & then not telling the other person when it was ready.

You've got a 4 week old and probably tired kids at the end of term. Survival mode. Don't read too much into anything, no one is at their best and it really is just getting through hour by hour.

If you can convince DH that giving each other a bit more space and grace would help, so much the better.

He sounds like a gaslighting narcissist who tries to control you by confusing the hell out of you and you can’t do right for wrong….

A 4 week old and a toddler? And you are listening to him rant about his day at work when he gets home? At that stage, when my husband walked through the door, he was immediately handed a child. You’ve got 5 kids now - how come he doesn’t get it?

No, YANBU. Absolutely not. Taking a time out and getting some food before the madness of the bed time routine (assuming yours are anything like mine were - and I only have 2!) is more than reasonable - it’s essential.

4 weeks postpartum means you should really still be resting as much as possible, especially if you are breastfeeding or recovering from a C-section. Start taking to your bed more often.
Are the older 3 not his? I'm wondering why he would want to take the toddler away and not the older ones.
Also, you need to make sure you eat regularly. You must have been starving and possibly hangry? It does seem a bit odd to go off and water the garden just as dinner is almost ready, and you don't have to do what he or the DC say. The whole incident with the books was described quite weirdly by you..the books are sent home so that the school doesn't have to store them, sure the kids would like to you have a look at some point, but it's not really a big deal. Why would you get up early to look at them without the kids there? Surely the point is to 'ooh' and 'aah' with them present?
You seem to be putting yourself at the bottom of the priority list, but if you don't look after your own physical and mental wellbeing, and start cutting corners, this is all going to go very pear-shaped.

Having a four-week-old baby and a toddler plus three other kids is an awful lot. It's a massive adjustment and it's exhausting. It sounds like this is a long-standing problem rather than the result of pressure from a new baby and tiredness though.

It's good that you are having counselling. Is he open to changing himself and working on things? Or is he expecting you to change? It might be heppful to find a different therapist to work with as a couple.

Could part of the problem be that you are living at different paces, and his experience of coming home from work is completely different tour experience of him coming home - he wants to see you and your children, be a family; whereas you just need a break? (Quite understandably!) If this was the case, you could make a plan that gives you half an hour of hiding away while he spends time with the children, and then you'll be refreshed and ready to talk about both your days.

I'm not saying this is the problem, but it's worth looking at all the possibilities.

Find a different counsellor. If she’s favouring one of you over the other, she’s not worth the time , effort or money.
It’s possible that you will both learn to communicate more effectively , but as always it has to come both ways and meet in the middle. Needs a decent couples therapist who can be challenging and thought provoking and good at teaching effective communication, not wishy washy bilge.
He ruined a perfectly good evening over nothing, achieved nothing but agro and alienation. I hope he’s willing to put some work in.

5 kids! Good lord.

Eat the bastard

I don't understand why you're obeying him. Are you scared of him? He's not your dad so why is he issuing you with instructions?

I'm sorry about your childhood but am wondering if you had authoritarian parents and just slot into a passive role.

You say that you rarely say no. You obviously find it hard to stand your ground. Can you get some books on assertiveness and boundaries? What about counselling to help process things?