ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

They seemed to know though, so I guess they were asked and gave permission (though not the amount of miles he was going to drive it!)

No.

OP admits herself in the thread title that she fucked up (presumably by having a go at her elderly parents down the phone). People are offering their own perspectives based on their lived experience. It’s NEVER worth getting this tit-for-tat about things when it comes to end of life. Wise people know this. “Sister has two expensive cars already, she doesn’t need it, my son was going to buy it,” blah blah. The people encouraging her to go round the house choosing valuables for herself. It’s all utter madness. All while the two elderly parents are still alive, and getting an earful about it.

It’s AIBU, don’t post if you don’t want different perspectives. I’m sure OP wants people to say “you’re right hun, I’d be raging, don’t let her get away with it, go to the house and take valuables to make it fair”, but that would be terrible advice. Maybe the sister will try to steal her parents assets, but at the moment it’s just a borrowed car a man has taken on a work trip.

And people aren’t lonely old women just because you disagree with them. Your misogyny is showing.

OP, in the UK, if you feel your parents lack mental capacity and are being financially abused, you could raise this with social services as a financial safeguarding. I don't know if there is a similar system in Australia.

Your sister is clearly grabbing whatever she can. I get that you are upset by her actions but it's not ok for you to verbally attack two frail and confused people in this way. Their well being is what matters most right now and if you can't see that then you need to walk away from the whole situation.

I have watched a lot of families tear themselves apart over inheritance. It's ugly, disrespectful and sleazy. Love is what matters, not money.

I hope you find peace.

Wow some peoples comments! Your sister clearly knows what she’s doing, and this is not nice behaviour. She sounds like a spoilt brat. My best advice to you would be block her out and enjoy the rest of your time with your parents. Don’t even talk about her with them, just enjoy time and stay calm. You’ll only regret it later in life… (why did I argue with them over this and that) xx

I think the only way of fighting this is to go the legal route. Not sure if Australia is different but you could get your sisters POA revoked as she is not acting in the best interest of your parents.

Is there no paperwork in the house, no tax disc reminders MOT, servicing bills or finance paperwork etc that have the car number plate on it.

I would also ask if you can borrow jewellery and anything else you see in the house up to the value of the car.

I must admit if I had been cleaning all day and found items with stickers on them marked with your sisters name I would have done a quick valuation of the stuff and changed half of the stickers + the amount the cleaning would have cost to your name and told your parents what you had done when it couldn’t be undone (i.e.when the furniture was already on its way to you. Then told your parents that you didn’t realise you had to put your name on the stuff you wanted and you have added your cleaning fee on top as that seemed to be the fairest way of sharing everything

Make sure you have the most up to date copy of their wills as I wouldn’t put it past your sister to have them change it in her favour (BIL did this and cut out exh and our dc)

Yes, I get it OP. My only advice is to let it go because otherwise, the anger and frustration will hurt you far more than anyone else.

It sounds similar to my mum and Aunty’s relationship. Aunty was the older one and got everything and mum was expected to be grateful for the leftovers. Granddad was kind but grandma was nasty especially to mum’s 4 children, which I was the youngest. I don’t think grandma wanted more than one child bus I suspect that granddad wanted a son, so mum was a double disappointment.

When grandad was old and too ill to manage his business that he’d built up from scratch, Aunty’s husband stepped in and took over. They had a ‘gentleman’s agreement/handshake’. The business was run from land that included grandad and grandma’s house. The deal was that both could live out their days there. Within 5 years, Uncle had sold the entire business for a huge profit inc. granddad’s detached house and garden. The grandparents moved into a council flat that the local vicar helped them get otherwise they’d have had to find a private rental property themselves. (This was the early 70’s)

Grandad was furious and vowed to have nothing more to do with Aunty and Uncle but he died suddenly a year later leaving grandma who had dementia. Uncle turned up and cleared the flat of anything valuable inc. the old grandfather clock that I’d always loved. It had horses carved on the top. Grandma moved in with us and mum had to reduce her hours at work to look after her. Grandma was difficult and incontinent too. Aunty had never worked a day in her life and refused to look after grandma even though my mum couldn’t afford to earn less money. Eventually, after about 2 years, my mum was pleading with Aunty on the phone to have grandma for a couple of weeks respite and she agreed. They collected her and then took her straight to a nursing home. Grandma died within that 2 week period which looking back as an adult, I feel was highly suspicious as I don’t think she has been physically ill, just the dementia.

Mum never received a penny in inheritance. The only tiny bit of Karma was after my mum died. Aunty came round to see if there was anything she might like to have of mums (my kind older sister let her have a rummage!) and she was looking through my mums wardrobe. Mum wasn’t particularly well off during her life but she had an eye for a bargain and naturally great taste and was a slim size 10 whereas Aunty was about a 16 and always dressed frumpily. Aunty said how much she admired my mum’s style and confidence and wanted to have some of mum’s clothes. We were going to charity shop them anyway so told her to crack on but she’d never have fitted into anything of mums.

My sister and I thought it was hilarious and imagined mum laughing her head off hearing that Aunty admired her as she’d never have admitted that to her face, ever! 😂

My very kind sister carried on visiting Aunty in her care home after she was widowed and despite all the wealth, Aunty wasn’t particularly happy. We also heard that Uncle was a womaniser too all the time they were married.

Honestly OP, you won’t win so try not to let all this hurt eat you up. My mum managed to let it go and focus on her own family. Take care. x

Totally agree! It's like a playground for adults to bully each other. Nobody seeks to take into consideration how the OP is feeling, in any posts that are made, and just berate and belittle. And then half the time people don't read the posts properly anyway and just read what they want and exaggerate things!

@marmoet I feel for you. When my Grandad died my mum was straight over to his house ( I'm talking like his body wasn't even cold yet) and took the things she wanted including his photo albums, some rare collectible pieces he had and his car. My uncle went straight to the solicitor of course and after a lot of arguing she gave them back. He'd written in his will the collectibles were to go to my uncle anyway.

Until you experience a situation like this then people really shouldn't be so rude. At the end of the day, it's still taking advantage of a loved one and until the legal channels have been followed then possessions should be left alone ( if the family members are alive or not).

Hope you manage to get through this rubbish time OP x

I 100% get this…my older sister gets away with murder. Earns 150k but gets into horrific debt which ends up with my elderly parents bailing her out. They lost count of how much and asked me to go through their bank accounts to check. magically when she pays back the ‘full amount’ it’s a fraction of the amount.
she still owes me money but I’m not allowed to mention it according to my parents because ‘she’s had a hard time’
ultimately I’m the dick for letting it happen, it’s always been like this and were in our 50’s, but the twisting in my guts is the same as when we were children.

Has anything else gone missing? Stuff that could be classed by the OPG (who regulate POAs) as "deprivation of assets"? If after discussion you think so, you could always discuss it with them. I think Age UK have a helpline where you could get advice, there might be a similar equivalent in Australia.

Ah, so you fit the bill then.

Me too. Your nephew misled your parents, so their permission was not honestly obtained. As it sounds as though your parents would have agreed to whatever he asked, it’s puzzling why he didn’t tell them the truth. Perhaps his plans changed.

Remarkably, I know three different women who have a poor relationship with their sister, in similar circumstances. It goes back a long way. It’s not about this particular incident, it never is, it’s about the history and personalities. But that’s not going to change. All I can suggest is that you look out for your own interests, because no one else will, and have as little to do with your sister as possible. Which will be difficult until after your parents have died and their property sorted out. Batten down the hatches.

Misogyny, ageism, disablism.
That's nice dear.

Calm down and speak as adults.

Your parents can lend their car to whom ever.
It is good for a car that gets little use to be driven from time to time. They might notice that it needs a service and arrange that too. The person borrowing the car will, no doubt, pay for new tyres when they need replacing and pay for rego etc.

Respectful discussion needs having over the long term use of the car. The driver perhaps needs to update the insurance to be included as a driver? The driver needs to understand how to behave so that the insurance is valid. ie. the driver can't be consuming alcohol and before having an accident as it usually voids the insurance.

If you suspect that your sister is swindling your parents act with discretion, collect evidence and present it to her in a way that allows respectful conversation and problem solving of the issue.
You are acting like a bull in a china shop. Your tone is resentful, angry and vindictive and, all the while, possibly misinformed.

The replies on this thread are exactly why I'm beginning to despise mumsnet. It seems like it's just a playground for lonely sad old women to spread their self hatred on to others.

I get this . Your sister has manipulated elderly and vulnerable parents . She asked to borrow something for a trip but has in fact stolen it as it will have thousands of miles on the clock be driven into the ground and never be seen again .

Are there any car documents in your parent's house? If you need to check insurance, reg number etc it might be useful. You need to get over to your parent's place and secure things or at least be aware of what's what as your sister is outwitting you! The car may not be returned but if it's part of assets needed to fund your parent's care then it should be paid for by your sister or her partner. You have to speak to her.

It’s that feelin of hey hold on, if the cars up for grabs I would have liked to throw my hat in for my sons benefit…and that no one proactively thought to ask you

inwould tackle this on two levels: you need to discuss POA process with your sister, this won’t be the only asset or decision to be made

and two, you need some therapy to help you process all this bile that has come to a hesd

yoi can also decline to be POa, step away and find peace

Yes, but I don’t get why she took it out on her elderly parents?

What happened with the dog????

It’s that she didn’t tell you, just let her partner take it (when there wasn’t any real need.)
I get it

I'm in the UK. It is against the law to 'borrow' from the estate of your parents if you have PoA. So can I suggest you ask for duplicate bank statements/finance documents and get the valuers in to look at anything possibly valuable your parents might own. Keep records. Put everything in writing. Take photographs and time stamp them. If your parents still have capacity, I'm not sure how that works though. I have joint PoA for my mum, with my sister. My sister lives further away than I do so I do all the banking. I have every statement going back about 7 years. I keep every receipt, even the ones for toiletries and cake.
I have known perfectly sensible people fall out big time over an old sofa, in this situation. Why not go to your parents house, with just your sister, no BIL. Have a look around and make a plan for the contents. But seriously, get a handle on the money.

Surely the people you should be mad at is your sister and your sister’s partner? Wholly unreasonable to take it out on your elderly parents. You say you’ve fucked up in the title but you’re defending yourself so not sure where you think your fucked up considering you think you’re in the right…

And quite selfish to guilt trip them about your son. Buy him a car yourself.

Ditto.

I think your parents have been taken advantage of. He’s taken the car. Not borrowed it. They were under the impression it was to borrow the car to run around locally, he’s taken it Interstate with no intention of bringing it back, according to you. I’d get in touch with your sister and say you want the car bringing back so it can be sold to find your parents care fees. It’s only fair.

also, I grew up with an older brother we all (and still do) tip toe around, it’s bloody awful. You have my sympathies.