ANGRY! ( and I've fucked up)

It sounds like even if your parents were not confused and understood what was happening they would have let your sisters partner borrow the car. Unfortunately you should have asked first. Stand up to your sister or leave her to sort things out and you just visit your parents.

I haven't read every post, just all the OP's. But I've read quite a few, and none has identified the real issue as I see it.

I don't know what the law is in Australia, but surely if you have joint POA with your sister then neither of you can act autonomously. Do some research and find out how to remedy this legally. I imagine you won't actually have to engage a lawyer - the threat should be enough for her to return the car to your parents' assets, as ATM she and her partner have effectively stolen it. It matters not that your parents gave consent - they aren't capable of GIVING consent, that's why you have joint POA....

How is the POA set up? Some are set up that all the attorneys have to act together, some say jointly or alone but some are set up that each can act alone- that can be very effective if the attorneys trust each other and don't all live close but it can be taken advantage if by one attorney and leaves the other having to take action if they believe the attorney has acted not in the best interests of the person, illegally or dishonestly.
If your parents gave permission and have any capacity to do so, it's very difficult.
I would be upset that it sounds like they have been taken advantage of for someone's benefit but if it's because you wanted the car for your son you are on dodgy ground arguing that.

Edit- just seen your son intended to buy the car. If that had not actually been agreed with your parents, and they had agreed with your sister about the car, and your sister has the legal power to act alone as an attorney you are stuffed unfortunately.

I understand OP. You have a life time of bending with the wind to accommodate other family member's needs/feelings and your role is to just oblige and accommodate. This was my role. I tried to challenge it and got nowhere, and then I got angry because I SAW for real how they were all going to drill down on their defensiveness and their determination to carry on regardless. I realise that communication, reciprocity and fairness is not the goal of every family. The goal of a lot of dysfunctional families is to DISGUISE the injustice and disparity. This is done through refusing to communicate. Labelling anybody who attempts to communicate as ''crazy'' or ''angry''.

My brother has not stood up for me at all. When the parents are in need of care with tasks of daily living, he's on his own.

What an interesting conclusion you've come to. Who would have thought a simple observation would have you so concerned that you simply must investigate!

Understood. Is it possible to suggest that nephew keeps the car and pays the equivalent to the care home? I feel for you.

Did you not read the op’s posts?

she said her son was going to BUY the car off his grandparents. Everything needs to be sold to pay for the care home fees.

This! Can you not get into the house and look up car details and report it? They must have insurance and other paperwork concerning the car.

I would let the solicitor and police know as it’s theft. Your sister has taken advantage of their elderly, vulnerable parents that she has shared POA for. This is only going to get worse.

How old was your sister when yoy had to be quiet due to her sleeping (seeungvas yoy mention it).

You are right to feel angry, the car was taken under false pretences.

I would also be wary of things going forward. This might just be the start of underhand ways of filtering money from them.

You stated that all of their paperwork etc now goes to your sister. So I take it she has more control over everything even though you have joint POA?

Is there no paperwork left in your DP’s house? Nothing at all related to the car? You need to find out the value and keep a paper trail of communication with your sister, letting her know the cars value, whether they are keeping/selling it, either way it’s an asset to your DP’s estate and they can’t just take it!

I don't think you're understanding the point of my response. Generally mumsnet is full of women who make it their goal to put others down, or make people look stupid. A lot of the responses to the original post are uncalled for and are clearly exaggerating any negativity they can pry from what OP has said, making her the scapegoat when there's clearly validity to her anger.
Also, can we all grow up and stop using buzzwords when we don't like somebody else's opinion? Nothing I said was misogynistic or any other '-ism' you want to claim.
If I see something that looks like shit, I'll call it shit.
No doubt there's someone, somewhere who'd call me cack-ist.

I know you are in Australia so it's probably different, but in the UK if the house and other assets were being sold for care home fees, I'm not sure this wouldn't be seen as deprivation of assets.

I don't really understand many of the comments on here, but I have been close to someone in a similar situation, where possessions were cherry picked from the house whilst the person was preparing to move out. There was a car, and the person had stated (but alas not in writing) that my son should be given first refusal at a reasonable price, but the other siblings just sold it quickly. He would have probably given more than they got for it too. Obviously it wasn't illegal, but it was unnecessarily mean and contributed towards the eventual split of the family (along with other incidents).

They fact that this wasn't discussed with you as joint POA shows that they know that what they did although not illegal probably (unless in the event of your parents' death the car is not declared as an asset), was dodgy and mean, because obviously your parents are vulnerable and confused.

Because the OP wants the car for her son.
She's conflating issues because she doesn't like her sister and is annoyed that the sister is profiting from the Parents' demise rather than her own family profiting. Her sister nipped in first, basically.
Neither sister comes up smelling of roses ...

There is obviously a big back story here about you and your sister but you are coming across as quite grabby

Can I ask what *marmoet *has actually grabbed?

The only grabby people in this is sister and her dh who have grabbed the car

Not at all 🙂, I am not lonely, not sad, not (very) old.
Just respectful of those who are.

@marmoet I may be mistaken, but this rather sounds like elder abuse by your sister. Your parents seem like they may lack capacity to make their own choices about many things (eg if they would say yes to any requests without actually being able to weigh up the pros and cons). Your sister, as one of their powers of attorney, has got them to comply with a request for them to give her a relatively high-value item (a car) for free, in circumstances that they don't seem to understand, which disadvantages them both in terms of the lost value and the potential risk to their property of not having a car there. From what you've said about the post-it notes at their house move, I would wonder if this isn't the first time, either.

If they had capacity, it would be another sh*tty thing happening in the context of what sounds like a golden child / scapegoat family dynamic. But if they don't have capacity, then it could be exploitation/ elder abuse, and abuse of her position as power of attorney.

Do you and your parents have a lawyer who helps deal with their financial and legal affairs? If so, I'd suggest talking through your concerns with them. They may be able to advise on what, if anything, can be done.

Remember your parents are not interested in someone who steps back and does the right thing

The only language they understand is one where you take and tell them after what you have done

You sound OP, like someone who is stuck in toxic emotions and using these to escalate minor issues into a feud. I get it’s a bit thoughtless and cheeky of your sister, but given the priority should be the peace of your parents at the end of their life, you are being unreasonable in making this about you and throwing a tantrum. It’s your parents car, it’s your sister’s husband, you really don’t need to get too involved at all, beyond telling your sister it is not on. Making your parents cry over this is a huge dick move.

I would be really annoyed if I thought my sister had taken my parents for fools.

But you’ve lost the moral high ground because you’re not annoyed for your parents sake, you are annoyed because you wanted your son to have the car.

If your son was going to buy it off them, then he must have the money and he can go buy any car he wants to.

The fact that you’re annoyed he couldn’t buy that specific car, tells me that he thought he could get it for a cheap price.

Why has he not bought it already?
He could have park it at theirs but drove it around still, which would make the house look a lot less empty than it not being moved.

There is obviously a big back story here about you and your sister but you are coming across as quite grabby.