Invited to celebrate my twin sisters birthday

Sounds like she's a bit jealous.....You have the bigger house......you have the husband who is a chef....you earn well and usually finance everything....

Let her have her moment of glory and be magnanimous. "Yes WE'RE going to have a lovely Birthday thanks to dear sis organising it all."

Just go with the flow this once and graciously praise her.

Celebrating your birthday doesn't have to be a party though. It doesn't have to be all of those people, I've never had a big party like that as an adult, I'll have a 'picky' tea with my parents and sibling as that is what we always do and I'm a single parent with no partner then I plan a specific day out with DD and myself, possibly a friend and do something I enjoy.

It could be a trip to London to see a West End show, or to your local theatre, a city break with one or two friends, a day out to the zoo or other attraction with your partner, children and possibly their grandparents (either side or both) - your sister doesn't have to be invited

So what you are describing is actually enmeshment.

You live in the same place, have the same friends, go to the same school. So it is basically impossible for you to have any kind of separate life or identity.
This is really common with twins. Some have no idea how to really live or survive without the other, they are like two of the same person - but are of course not the same person at all. So it creates conflict.

In your place given your predicament. I would go to the weekend away absolutely.

You can prepare the ground now for this by organising coffee individually with each friend alone and explain you feel out of the loop with your new baby and would like to feel more part of things again. Be honest and congruent about how you are feeling. Build up your friendships individually again and quietly, no need for your sister to be involved.

In your place, I would organise a special birthday treat for yourself and your own little family besides the weekend away. That way if it is a bit rubbish, or all about your sister then you won't care as much, and it will be easier to let it go. Plan something just for you op.

Please don't ever expect people to take sides, ever. They will never do it. It would be a cruel thing if they did. They care about you both. They won't want to be involved with anything that could cause a rift.

Start developing interests and hobbies outside of your current group, so that you can have more choices if things were to change. Make new friends, be open to new experiences. Don't live your life in the twin bubble. Be separate sometimes, but not in a drama way that might cause hurt, but by simply expanding your horizons.

I am the dd of enmeshed twins, please don't forget your kids in all of this, it should not always be about your sister (my stuff I know) They want some part of you as well. Make time for them.

What would you like to do for your birthday?
If you weren't a twin, and she hadn't already organised this, what would you choose to do?
Whatever it is I would do that and view the two of you as separate individuals. Perhaps now is a good time to start finding your own friendship group that doesn't involve her.

@Megssy , may I ask: are you two identical twins? (This is important to understanding some of the psychology of this)

If they’ve both organised the party then it’s not terrible advice.

I didn’t see op had said anywhere that only her sister organised the party. Fair enough if so

Who has organised the weekend OP? Your sister or someone else? Are the friends more her friends than yours?

Is it her friends and she's including you? I would redress that balance by inviting a friend who is clearly YOUR friend. Even though, tbh, the people who are referring to it as 'her' birthday not your (plural) birthday sound a bit thick.
I have friends who are twins and i met one first, so understand some of the issues that have come up over the years for them. This sounds typical. Little things, but they both need to have their own equally respected differentiated identity within their ''twinship''

It’s complicated with twins, just as it is with any sibling dynamic, but it can be exacerbated with twins, because they’re often referred to as “one” person, ie, “the twins” this and “the twins” that, rather than referring to them as individuals by name.

Mine we’re never labeled ‘the twins’ how absolutely horrid!

They always had separate birthday parties and invited their friends - we did one joint party at the end of year 6 -

They always had their own cake.

They always chose what type of party / how many friends / etc

We had a joint family tea in the day and parties did die rent weekends.

DS once had a party 6 months later as it was a summer activity!!

Celebrate how and when you want.

@Megssy

You need to clarify if this party is one that your twin is making all the effort for and throwing to celebrate his/her birthday or was it clearly intended to be a joint birthday party all along and says so on the invites?

It sounds like your twin got in there first and as your relationship with them is already strained, then I think you should either attend and arrange your own celebration a bit later or decline attending and do your own thing on the day instead.

Your twin is allowed to do stuff without you including celebrating their birthday and you can do the same too.

However, why do you still have joint friends? Maybe the time has come to break away completely?

Have you jointly arranged and paid for the weekend away and party?

If not, it is her party, with you invited too.

This doesn't seem to be uncommon amongst mutual friend groups. I remember a while ago, reading a subreddit with lots of similar incidents. It's as if some people can't get their heads around the fact that being friends or related to twins, means there's 2 birthdays, not just the one who is the loudest!

It’s complicated with twins, just as it is with any sibling dynamic, but it can be exacerbated with twins, because they’re often referred to as “one” person, ie, “the twins” this and “the twins” that, rather than referring to them as individuals by name.

I’d be interested to know the dynamic prior to / the lead up to this party. The reason I say this is because DH is a twin, and his twin has displayed lots of “freeloader” behaviours over the years. We offered our house as the venue for a joint 40th celebration for family. DH said he wanted his own birthday cake, as he has rarely had his own cake and wanted his own for once this year. Fair enough, I thought. Turns out, the twin’s expectation was that we pay for / prepare all of the food and drink, and they simply turn up like the other guests at the party time. The twin even breezily said, “Mum can prepare / bring abc and our other sibling can prepare / bring xyz.” DH had to spell it out to the twin that it was a joint effort for a joint gathering. DH put together a menu with the twin and allocated who would purchase / prepare what. I later received a text from the twin’s OH with a description of the cake I should be ordering in, as this is what cake the twin wanted. I texted back that DH asked for his own cake this time, and told the twin’s OH that they should order / bring that cake for the twin.

Not really its one twin complaining the other twin has planned a party on her own birthday? I don’t really see the issue 🤷🏻‍♀️ of course the friends are going to say im going to Twin1 birthday party and we can have a party for twin2 when we get back xx

I have direct experience of this. In my case my mother and her twin sister.

My aunt decided she was sick of sharing birthday celebrations (also a 40th) and she hosted a huge party and had told her friends it was her special party. They were respectful naturally of her need to do something for herself. My mother was very hurt, and eventually my aunt invited her too, but it was still considered her party.

I wonder if this is the case here?

If it is genuinely a joint weekend away, organised by you both from the beginning then take some control. Set up a whatsapp group of everyone invited, and start a new chat that says 'Our 40th Birthday Weekend' and then say my sister and I can not wait to celebrate our 40th birthday with all of you, these are the details for x,y and z and please confirm you are able to attend etc'

You can take control, and assert yourself. If you hear any further references to it being your sister's party, I think you should say it is our birthday and I am glad you can come or words to that affect.

If you have piggy backed her celebration through FOG then there is a deeper issue here that needs to be explored, and will be very complex.

This is really terrible advice. OP has no right to just usurp the party her twin organised. She needs to agree with her sibling if she wants to share the event, and accept if that isn't what her twin fancies this year.

Just correct them and say oh you mean mine and Jane's birthday?

Yes, @Megssy , tell us the details 😃

When’s organising, who’s paying, and how were people invited? We need to know these things before we can judge if YABU or not.