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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did the right thing, now cut off from everything

136 replies

AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 22:52

Confusing story in bullet points

  • separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
  • he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
  • DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
  • I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
  • DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
  • Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
  • Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:07

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Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:06

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:04

Can you not see how disgustingly selfish this comes across when you say your dd says she was abuse by this man??

Show quote history

What are you on? DC didn’t say that. I have fought that fight as far as I can and believe she is totally safe now.

This is a SEPARATE issue.

OP posts:
Paul2023 · 21/07/2024 00:05

If you’re no longer together, I would assume you wouldn’t be in his will anyway ?..Why would he financially support you ?

The only thing you’re entitled to is child maintenance. I can’t see how you’d get anything else from him.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:04

mrsdineen2 · 20/07/2024 23:59

In the kindest way, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Where did your child get that allegation from?

I hope to god the authorities are correct to conclude it didn't happen, but even in that case you need to focus on your child and what made them say that. The money is a distant second.

The thing is, OF COURSE that is always on my mind. How do you think I feel having to legally send her to him all the time? And not be allowed to push her for info or else be done for alienation. Have you not read in the news how the system works against mothers and children in this situation?

That is a constant issue. And for the record, I believe she is totally safe.

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

OP posts:
C0rdeliaChase · 21/07/2024 00:04

Tagyoureit · 20/07/2024 23:56

Yes, abuse of a child is clearly something that should be spoken about in hushed tones and never defended!

But, just so you understand, I shall whisper.... 'you're part of the fucking problem!'

Show quote history

No, you're part of the problem and clearly never read the OP properly.

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:04

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:00

Because that’s what he promised. I gave up my career (yes stupidly) to renovate a house with him which he then sold and pocketed every last penny, did IVF based on his issues, and supported his career for 10 years while I looked after our child - his parents adored me so had put me in their will on their own accord. It’s not exactly fair is it?

Edited
Show quote history

Can you not see how disgustingly selfish this comes across when you say your dd says she was abuse by this man??

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:03

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:01

People moaning at me are completely missing the point of child being abused here!

But yet my swearing upsets you more, typical mumsnet!

Edited

I think you just need to grow up and discuss the subject like an adult, or hide the thread really.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:02

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:00

Because that’s what he promised. I gave up my career (yes stupidly) to renovate a house with him which he then sold and pocketed every last penny, did IVF based on his issues, and supported his career for 10 years while I looked after our child - his parents adored me so had put me in their will on their own accord. It’s not exactly fair is it?

Edited
Show quote history

No, but life isn't fair is it?

You weren't married and it's his money (apart from the maintenance he owes you), so in order for you to move on, you're going to have to stand on your own two feet.

Unfortunately 'fair' doesn't come into it without a marriage.

wejammin · 21/07/2024 00:01

Abuse issues aside, just a legal point that if one separated parent is wealthy the other parent can make a claim over and above CMS amounts for payments, housing, school fees etc. Regardless of marriage or no marriage.
OP I can see that you're aware of this, it's just some of the other posters who have got it wrong (I'm a family lawyer btw)

In terms of costs of making the application you can apply for him to pay your costs.

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:01

People moaning at me are completely missing the point of child being abused here!

But yet my swearing upsets you more, typical mumsnet!

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:00

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 20/07/2024 23:57

Why does he owe you a house, a cut of his will and a cut of his family's will?

Claim the maintenance you're entitled to and move on with your life.

Because that’s what he promised. I gave up my career (yes stupidly) to renovate a house with him which he then sold and pocketed every last penny, did IVF based on his issues, and supported his career for 10 years while I looked after our child - his parents adored me so had put me in their will on their own accord. It’s not exactly fair is it?

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:00

mrsdineen2 · 20/07/2024 23:59

In the kindest way, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Where did your child get that allegation from?

I hope to god the authorities are correct to conclude it didn't happen, but even in that case you need to focus on your child and what made them say that. The money is a distant second.

This with bells on!!

mrsdineen2 · 20/07/2024 23:59

In the kindest way, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Where did your child get that allegation from?

I hope to god the authorities are correct to conclude it didn't happen, but even in that case you need to focus on your child and what made them say that. The money is a distant second.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 20/07/2024 23:58

Tagyoureit · 20/07/2024 23:56

Yes, abuse of a child is clearly something that should be spoken about in hushed tones and never defended!

But, just so you understand, I shall whisper.... 'you're part of the fucking problem!'

Show quote history

I agree with the PP who said you have anger management issues.

To be honest, it's not difficult to type without swearing at people if you're choosing to discuss the issue.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 20/07/2024 23:57

Why does he owe you a house, a cut of his will and a cut of his family's will?

Claim the maintenance you're entitled to and move on with your life.

Tagyoureit · 20/07/2024 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, abuse of a child is clearly something that should be spoken about in hushed tones and never defended!

But, just so you understand, I shall whisper.... 'you're part of the fucking problem!'

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 23:55

SuncreamAndIceCream · 20/07/2024 23:50

The house/ will stuff was just to keep you on the hook. It was never going to happen anyway but at least now you know for sure.

I'm sorry to hear about the allegations of abuse though. It must have been very hard for your child to say it and well done for putting them first.

Thank you. It was hell.

Tuesday I’ve been recalled after a dodgy breast scan. I do think it could be an actual physical manifestation of the helm I’ve been through over this.

OP posts:
yhk · 20/07/2024 23:54

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There's no need for that.

The OP did right by her daughter by making a report of the allegations.

Perfectly reasonable for her to feel down that the security she was promised has been swept from underneath her feet.

NervousSubject · 20/07/2024 23:54

diktat · 20/07/2024 23:39

I don’t understand how you thought an abusive man would really give you a house, put you in his will and life insurance.

It was a fantasy that has died. Put it aside and apply for child maintenance.

This, I’m afraid. You’re better off setting aside pipe dreams, OP. Focus on what you can practically do now to secure you and your daughter’s future. If you’re living rent/mortgage free now, use the time to earn and save as much as possible against the day you need to house yourselves.

MonsteraMama · 20/07/2024 23:54

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That's really fucking uncalled for. Abuse does fuck with your perception of reality, and yes OP is allowed to be fucked off that this man is still trying to manipulate and control her after she's escaped him and done what was best for her child.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 23:53

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Calm down. You have the wrong end of the stick and probably not worth re-explaining it to. There was no proven allegations. I have been through hell and back over that. I am now talking about how he’s used the allegations against him AGAINST me. Which is also a valid issue NOW

Yes what a fucked up massive twat I’ve been to stand up for my child 😱

OP posts:
C0rdeliaChase · 20/07/2024 23:52

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SuncreamAndIceCream · 20/07/2024 23:50

The house/ will stuff was just to keep you on the hook. It was never going to happen anyway but at least now you know for sure.

I'm sorry to hear about the allegations of abuse though. It must have been very hard for your child to say it and well done for putting them first.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 23:49

diktat · 20/07/2024 23:39

I don’t understand how you thought an abusive man would really give you a house, put you in his will and life insurance.

It was a fantasy that has died. Put it aside and apply for child maintenance.

Well I was in the will and life insurance, all for the sake of our DC. As always, it’s complicated. But yes, it now felt like a carrot to keep me controlled.

Already have maintenance but not through CMA. He’s over the top earning. As his assets are over £3m solicitors say I am entitled to him housing us both until DC is 18. Which he is currently doing. But could pull at any moment so need to get things done legally and get in a position to earn etc.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 20/07/2024 23:49

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