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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did the right thing, now cut off from everything

136 replies

AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 22:52

Confusing story in bullet points

  • separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
  • he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
  • DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
  • I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
  • DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
  • Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
  • Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:34

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

Show quote history

How is taking money from sexual abusers as a prostitute, different from what you're accusing the OP of? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:32

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

Show quote history

He hasn’t abused her. She said he’d said something and it came to nothing once investigated. There’s literally nothing more I can do legally. I bankrupted myself trying.

Prostitution, really? It’s still taking money from some deadshit who is probably abusing others

OP posts:
Powerbelowseat · 21/07/2024 00:31

OP a similar thing happened to me. I have discovered through enormous pain and personal cost that there is a so-called process you are supposed to follow around these things in order to be a good mother, but as soon as you follow the process, there is very little support on all levels (both interpersonally and in terms of the system) for having done the right thing.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:30

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

Show quote history

Why have you decided he's abused his child?

TheresaCrowd · 21/07/2024 00:29

I think he and his family see you not defending him, as you believing he may have sexually abused his child and that's obviously going to hurt.

However, you did absolutely the right thing and let the investigation take its course.

But I'm surprised that you're surprised his family don't want to give you any of their money when they die?

I imagine they'll (hopefully) provide for their grandchild, but it's still their money and their choice.

Besides, if/when he meets someone else and settles down, they'd probably take you out of their will anyway.

Forget the money you're not entitled to and claim what is rightfully yours.

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:19

Are you drinking? That’s exactly what I did do. Protected my child knowing financially I’d be fucked. Of course I didn’t think twice. I knew it was coming.

This thread is about how fucked it is that he can then make me look like the one in the wrong for not “protecting him” and his family dropping me and him using it as some fucked up excuse to cut me off.

You are arguing against yourself. I already did all that and believe me, millions wouldn’t.

This thread is about how fucked up he his by trying to project all the shit onto me as my issue

Show quote history

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

libertybonds · 21/07/2024 00:25

@AnotherNaCha thank you. I hope that your child is and remains safe and that you can find a way to get out from under your ex's thumb.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:22

libertybonds · 21/07/2024 00:19

He was never, ever, ever going to give you any of this money or property or whatever.

I agree that you have just wriggled a bit further out of his control.

However, you are not wrong that the way the system deals with child abuse allegations, and the fact that proven abusers still get access to their kids, is beyond fucked.

I have just gone through similar, but with my ex committing physical abuse which could have killed my daughter. It's been hell for me and legally it's like it never happened because it's seen as my word against his. It's been utterly mind+bending.

Sorry that this has all happened to you.

Oh I am so sorry for you and your poor DD. Mind bending indeed, esp when it ca be twisted that we are somehow in the wrong.

His family think I am evil?!

It really really needs to change.

Sending you lots of support

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:19

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:15

No, you need to tell your ex to fuck off and protect your child rather than waiting for some hush money payout!

Show quote history

Are you drinking? That’s exactly what I did do. Protected my child knowing financially I’d be fucked. Of course I didn’t think twice. I knew it was coming.

This thread is about how fucked it is that he can then make me look like the one in the wrong for not “protecting him” and his family dropping me and him using it as some fucked up excuse to cut me off.

You are arguing against yourself. I already did all that and believe me, millions wouldn’t.

This thread is about how fucked up he his by trying to project all the shit onto me as my issue

OP posts:
libertybonds · 21/07/2024 00:19

He was never, ever, ever going to give you any of this money or property or whatever.

I agree that you have just wriggled a bit further out of his control.

However, you are not wrong that the way the system deals with child abuse allegations, and the fact that proven abusers still get access to their kids, is beyond fucked.

I have just gone through similar, but with my ex committing physical abuse which could have killed my daughter. It's been hell for me and legally it's like it never happened because it's seen as my word against his. It's been utterly mind+bending.

Sorry that this has all happened to you.

MyBreezyPombear · 21/07/2024 00:17

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:13

OK, yes, of course, no problem here, move along, nothing to see.

Father just abused his child, mother screams where's my money? Absolutely normal, no problem.

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That's not what happened though. Mother reported the father, it was investigated and dropped. What's she meant to do?

WonderfulUsername · 21/07/2024 00:15

Do you have a job OP?

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:15

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:11

OK. You need to fuck off.

Show quote history

No, you need to tell your ex to fuck off and protect your child rather than waiting for some hush money payout!

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 00:14

Why did the child say it if it wasn’t true?

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 00:13

I didn’t n ie high earners had to pay spousal support and provide housing!

I guess that’s why Kyle Walker has given lauryn Goodman a house

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:13

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:09

Thank you, yes we're all aware of that?

Show quote history

OK, yes, of course, no problem here, move along, nothing to see.

Father just abused his child, mother screams where's my money? Absolutely normal, no problem.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:13

MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:11

I know it's not my business, but you say he was abusive when you were together. Was coercive control a part of that? Because if so, all these promises he made you are just an extension of that abuse - something to hold over you. Try and reframe this in your head as you finally being free of that. Claim CMS, limit communicating with him and his family to being just about your child, keep doing everything you can for your child.

I'm sorry you and DC have been through so much.

Yes massive coercive control! My solicitor for the child issue read outs emails and flagged it as such.

So you are absolutely right and the reframe is massively helpful!

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:12

MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:11

I know it's not my business, but you say he was abusive when you were together. Was coercive control a part of that? Because if so, all these promises he made you are just an extension of that abuse - something to hold over you. Try and reframe this in your head as you finally being free of that. Claim CMS, limit communicating with him and his family to being just about your child, keep doing everything you can for your child.

I'm sorry you and DC have been through so much.

This is really good advice.

As soon as you do that you can move on, rather than worry about what might've been financially.

MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:11

I know it's not my business, but you say he was abusive when you were together. Was coercive control a part of that? Because if so, all these promises he made you are just an extension of that abuse - something to hold over you. Try and reframe this in your head as you finally being free of that. Claim CMS, limit communicating with him and his family to being just about your child, keep doing everything you can for your child.

I'm sorry you and DC have been through so much.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OK. You need to fuck off.

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:11

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:09

He is a very high earner with high assets. He actually has to pay spousal maintenance even if unmarried. We have just been doing it through no legal channels.

I think he wanted his DC to be comfortable and realised he’d been unfair to me and was well off enough to do the decent thing, which his parents were pushing him to do. Until now

Show quote history

You'll have to go through the legal channels then.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:10

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:08

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

How is he gaslighting you?

He's told you straight out you're not getting what he promised because he's angry you thought he might've abused his child.

He's not pretending he didn't promise it in the first place?

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The gaslighting is making out the allegation was my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:09

Paul2023 · 21/07/2024 00:05

If you’re no longer together, I would assume you wouldn’t be in his will anyway ?..Why would he financially support you ?

The only thing you’re entitled to is child maintenance. I can’t see how you’d get anything else from him.

He is a very high earner with high assets. He actually has to pay spousal maintenance even if unmarried. We have just been doing it through no legal channels.

I think he wanted his DC to be comfortable and realised he’d been unfair to me and was well off enough to do the decent thing, which his parents were pushing him to do. Until now

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you, yes we're all aware of that?

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:08

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:04

The thing is, OF COURSE that is always on my mind. How do you think I feel having to legally send her to him all the time? And not be allowed to push her for info or else be done for alienation. Have you not read in the news how the system works against mothers and children in this situation?

That is a constant issue. And for the record, I believe she is totally safe.

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

Show quote history

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

How is he gaslighting you?

He's told you straight out you're not getting what he promised because he's angry you thought he might've abused his child.

He's not pretending he didn't promise it in the first place?