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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did the right thing, now cut off from everything

136 replies

AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 22:52

Confusing story in bullet points

  • separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
  • he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
  • DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
  • I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
  • DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
  • Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
  • Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 21/07/2024 00:55

I'm so confused. How old is your dd? She said something about something sexual. Something that made you report it, as you should. Now you say well her father didnt do it. Okay, well SOMEONE did. I'm assuming she is a very young child. They dont just make up sexual things happening to them. I'm confused how this is not the most important thing on your mind. SOMEONE has done SOMETHING to your child!

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:55

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:54

The child saying it!

Show quote history

That's your proof?

Please never accept if you get called for jury service...

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:54

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:53

Didn't realise I had to!

Show quote history

Well it would've been helpful

Otherwise it just gets lost with all the other hot air

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:54

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:53

It doesn't say it did happen either

So where's yours?

Show quote history

The child saying it!

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:53

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:46

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you've had to prostitute yourself to sexually abusive men.

You didn't actually say you've been in that position, to be fair.

Show quote history

Didn't realise I had to!

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:53

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:50

I've just read all 18 posts of the ops again and nowhere does it say it didn't happen.

So where's your proof?

Show quote history

It doesn't say it did happen either

So where's yours?

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:51

@MonsteraMama that's such a fantastic post.

Please copy and repost without the bit at the end, because it's bound to get deleted and that'd be a shame Flowers

Notamum12345577 · 21/07/2024 00:51

AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 22:52

Confusing story in bullet points

  • separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
  • he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
  • DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
  • I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
  • DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
  • Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
  • Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

I think people are still thinking you meant the allegation was sexual abuse of your child, though you have explained many times it was not!

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:50

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2024 00:45

Except he didn't sexually abuse her

What is your problem?

It didn't happen and she still has to go to her father.

Show quote history

I've just read all 18 posts of the ops again and nowhere does it say it didn't happen.

So where's your proof?

MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:49

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Show quote history

Have you escaped an abusive, coercive control relationship and had to deal with continued coercive control from your abuser along with the incredible strain of protecting your child through an abuse allegation investigation - despite knowing that this would result in your ostracisation from family who previously supported you and further abuse and control from your former abuser?

Because if not, sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, until you're in that position, don't judge.

StrandedStarfish · 21/07/2024 00:49

If it hadn’t been this, he would have found some other perceived slight to blame you for, and behave this way.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/07/2024 00:47

You've not lost anything, other than the burden of an abuser around your neck.
Imagine he doesn't exist. Most people don't expect houses and to be in the will of their ex's family. You get CMS and you work and rent or buy your own house.
I'd be absolutely shocked that he potentially abused your child and I would fully believe them. I would not believe him, or listen to a word he says. Block him and move on with your life.
And get your child some counselling.

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:46

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Show quote history

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you've had to prostitute yourself to sexually abusive men.

You didn't actually say you've been in that position, to be fair.

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2024 00:45

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Show quote history

Except he didn't sexually abuse her

What is your problem?

It didn't happen and she still has to go to her father.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:44

Edingril · 21/07/2024 00:41

I am thinking people should read and sign a contract before having sex

  • before continuing how do you think they would be a good parent?
  • you don't own children the other parents have rights so think of that before sleeping with them

You are an adult you need to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on others

I’m thinking people should have a contract to learn about coercive control and the type of abuse which typically starts after you’ve had a baby before they make these victim-blaming comments

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:43

Edingril · 21/07/2024 00:41

I am thinking people should read and sign a contract before having sex

  • before continuing how do you think they would be a good parent?
  • you don't own children the other parents have rights so think of that before sleeping with them

You are an adult you need to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on others

There's a need for that contract!! Evidence of it everyday here!!

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:38

I wouldn't take money off any abusive men unlike yourself Confused

Show quote history

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Edingril · 21/07/2024 00:41

I am thinking people should read and sign a contract before having sex

  • before continuing how do you think they would be a good parent?
  • you don't own children the other parents have rights so think of that before sleeping with them

You are an adult you need to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on others

LameBorzoi · 21/07/2024 00:41

OP, you were never going to get that money / house, and he would have found a way to damage the relationship between you and his patents, no matter what you did.

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:38

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:36

Principle!

You'd rather take money from a man who abused your dd? Really?

Show quote history

I wouldn't take money off any abusive men unlike yourself Confused

Divebar2021 · 21/07/2024 00:36

I don’t know why the police weren’t investigating that allegation if it was in relation to a criminal offence. Regardless there’s no way anyone can say it didn’t happen - they can only say there’s insufficient evidence to proceed. Social workers lead on the overall welfare and police lead on the criminal allegations and they should conduct a joint investigation. If the child won’t repeat the allegation then I’m concerned she’s either very young or the person speaking with her didn’t spend enough time building a rapport with her. I’m concerned they’ve fucked that investigation up and you’re still sending her…. Sorry not what you want to hear.

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:36

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:34

How is taking money from sexual abusers as a prostitute, different from what you're accusing the OP of? 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Principle!

You'd rather take money from a man who abused your dd? Really?

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:36

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:34

So why did she say that?

And yeah, I'd rather take any abuse than my dd suffer! As a mother, that's not hard to understand, surely?

Show quote history

It’s actually not a choice you get. You get to take the abuse and suffer and they still force your child back to its questionable father.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:34

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:32

He hasn’t abused her. She said he’d said something and it came to nothing once investigated. There’s literally nothing more I can do legally. I bankrupted myself trying.

Prostitution, really? It’s still taking money from some deadshit who is probably abusing others

Show quote history

So why did she say that?

And yeah, I'd rather take any abuse than my dd suffer! As a mother, that's not hard to understand, surely?

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:34

Powerbelowseat · 21/07/2024 00:31

OP a similar thing happened to me. I have discovered through enormous pain and personal cost that there is a so-called process you are supposed to follow around these things in order to be a good mother, but as soon as you follow the process, there is very little support on all levels (both interpersonally and in terms of the system) for having done the right thing.

Absolutely! Everyone said you have to protect your child etc etc, which I did. And then the rug is pulled on so many fronts. It’s actual insanity. Like a witch hunt. Blatant misogyny

OP posts: