Parents talking about giving db more in their will

I’m one of four. I had a sibling with autism and LDs who lived at home with my parents. When they became elderly they told us that that were going to leave their home and the majority of their cash to our disabled sibling so they could continue to live in the house for the rest of their life.

When my parents told this to our disabled sibling’s social worker she said ‘oh great then other disabled people can move into the other bedrooms maybe and they can all live together in the house. This was not what my parents had envisaged at all. In their mind social services would provide some genteel housekeeper to take over their role and live like a substitute parent in the house. It was explained that this would not be the case.

when my parents went to make their will, the solicitor quizzes them about how much they wanted to set aside for repairs to the property, who would administer the repairs, what would happen about day to day expenses and replacing furniture, carpets, cleaning, gardening etc. Our parents brushed this under the carpet and said ‘oh the other siblings will sort all of that out’.

So the other three of us were potentially left with no inheritance, but the worry of maintaining and paying repairs on an old house, with a large garden,inhabited by our sibling who had no idea about safety, would undoubtedly invite unsafe visitors in, and had a tendency to hoard.

Luckily, our family accountant had set up various trusts for vulnerable people and dissuaded my parents from their original plan. When they died, quite a few years ago now, the house and money went into a trust to benefit our disabled sibling, administered by us. As my parents had lived long lives, my sibling was already in their early seventies and had suffered very bad health, having a number of strokes in short succession. Once our parents died social services provided four very short visits to the parental house each day, which meant that the disabled sibling was in effect an isolated prisoner in the house. We were able to sell the house and find a good care home where our sibling is very happy and properly looked after. Something that we would not have been able to do had they been left the house to themselves. These things have to be carefully considered. If someone is vulnerable and on their own the answer is not always to give them assets outright.

Not at all but they do care about fairness. They care if one sibling gets handouts while the other doesn't (whatever the reasons). Estates are weird and inheritance can be life changing. Of the 30 yr olds that I know, the ones who have bought property could do it because of an inheritance, for example.
The problem here is whether brother is actually struggling or dossing.

My mum lives in her house owned outright (albeit in a developing country). There’s 4 of us but my brother has autism but they don’t diagnose in my home country unless severe. He’s struggled his whole life with everything. He worked hard and finished secondary sch and has a diploma but in my home country, even people with masters degree don’t have proper jobs so he has no chance really. He has a very low paying job but works hard at it, I can’t see him progressing beyond that.
When my mum dies, the house will either go to him or it’ll be that he can live there for as long as he lives and then it can be shared when he’s gone and me and my 2 other siblings are all fine and very happy about this. I’m glad that even if I might be supporting him to pay some bills, it’s not going to be much and he has accommodation for life. It’s not about equality but equity, he didn’t ask to be born with additional needs. it’s easy for you to say that he should work more, etc but there’s no way you can say how much his needs is holding him back. I didn’t get support from my mum as she wasn’t well off but I’m happy providing support for her now
Myself or my siblings are not well off by any means but we won’t watch one of us be worse off. If there was no inheritance, we’ll be living our lives any way.

I have a disabled child who will likely never work much. I am splitting evenly. However I am giving that child a life time interest to live in the family home, all siblings to receive equal if it is sold/no longer needed.

It sounds as if they're enabling him, tbh, so it's difficult to tell how much he would be capable of if he wasn't living with them practically rent-free.

Does he claim PIP (Personal Independence Payment)?

Can he cope if they go on holiday without him?

Does he show any desire or capacity to live independently? Would he cope in a supporting living facility for example?

Even if they left the house to him, it wouldn't fix the fact that he'd become responsible for paying the bills in full, and he'd have to manage that somehow.

If they're worried about how he'd cope after their death, they need to think more practically now - help him to claim PIP if he hasn't yet done so, consider whether he could live independently with some support, etc.

If he did continue living with them until they died, and the house had to be sold, he could apply for social housing and make a homeless application to the council; he might then get a council or housing association property which would be more affordable and secure than private rented accommodation.

They would need to be careful about leaving him a large lump sum and should seek specialist advice about leaving the money in a discretionary trust instead, as that wouldn't impact any means-tested benefits.

As a parent, I would always split the inheritance equally between my children, regardless of their needs and situations. But I would consider all of the above when planning for any disabled child(ren). If they leave him one third of the inheritance in a trust and put support in place, that could be much more helpful to him than leaving him more than his share and sisters who are potentially hurt and struggling.

That's a good idea.

Also he might only need a smaller home. It wouldn't mess up benefits if he owns without mortgage.

This.
Some children due to disability etc might need more support. That seems fair. It's parents money and they naturally are concerned about their more vulnerable children. You or your child will likely inherit from him.

I had this when my father died. Thai bride, who remarried after 6 weeks got half and my brother got half. My brother had also been given the best deal by far alibg tge way, bought parents' house cheaply, father paid for him to build a house in Thailand ... my brother did nothing for my father that he wasn't paid for. Brother is lazy wuth no get up and go, whereas myself and dsis have plenty and gave grafted to get what we have. Ironically most of the money came f4om me pursuing a medical neigence claim from my mother.
I have not spoken to my brother since as he most definitely gave my father the sob story over and over about how we are both OK financially and he isnt blah blah and he downright lied about who was paying for the house to be built.

This. It could leave your brother even more vulnerable with you picking up pieces.

We are the parents in this scenario. 3 DCs in their 20s. 2 DCs live independently, good jobs, moving on with their lives.

Middle DC lives with us. Some ASD traits but not sufficient to pursue a diagnosis. Has a NMW job working 24 hours per week. He could/should work more, make some effort, learn to drive, basically move his life along. He isnt physically lazy but simply wont do things until pushed by circumstance.

We have made clear that when we die he wont inherit the house. Our estate is split 3 ways. All being well that will leave him enough to put down a sizeable deposit on a house. His sisters will help him with advice but financially he will have to sort himself out.

I think its a misguided notion that leaving money to the child with disabilities will help...it doesn't though..it stops them qualifying for care or support workers, the money has to fund that, stops them qualifying for supported accommodation so it will have to fund flat, any alterations needed ect.

The state then palms them to surviving family as with funds they can state everything can be managed from that they will also not get any benefits.
Unless it's a large amount it can stifle sourcing what they need.

I would always split equal as I wouldn't want to leave the earth with my kids squabbling..that's devastating for me.

I would hope my parents would do things equal or my brother more. (Money isn't worth losing remaining family or a feud for me) I am super close with parents and had a rough past, so even if I protested my innocence if I acquired more I would never live in peace again 😅

I agree with @Tunnelsong . It's something you have to come to terms with to be able to move on when it happens.
At least your parents have their own reasons which you may understand. My df left me nothing because he didn't like me and it's that bit of hurt you have to accept!

I think it depends a bit on how much equity there is, would one 1/3 or even 1/2 buy a flat in the greater area? With your dsis would a 1/3 help or mess up benefits?

I would also look into whether you siblings could benefit from shared equity housing schemes where they can spend their inheritance then rent the remaining portion from the HA - works for some people.

My parents are splitting 1/3 each despite one sibling not owning but mum is clear that it's down to his life decisions. He's probably ND too but they didn't diagnose then

I understand your feelings. Wills don’t have to be fair. I’ve made a will, carefully considered it and chosen an executor who I know will carry out those wishes and no one else has a say. As someone who in the past has inherited nothing from a parent I’ve had to come to terms with that, but ultimately it’s their assets/their choice, so the hard bit was coming to terms with that. It’s not something I’d seek to influence.

Do you spend much time with your brother alone? My autistic son is a young adult who outwardly appears very confident and is extremely intelligent. A few members of my family think he should be working more and have achieved more. The truth is he masks an awful lot and in reality, there are challenges, stresses and limitations only I am privy to. My son probably can progress further with time but will never be able to function at the level "expected".
Could something like this be a concern for your mum?

Here's a thought. Why don't your parents pay his NI contributions to bring him up to state pension level and then they divide the rest equally?
I do totally appreciate it is their money to do as they wish. However this might give them some confidence he will have a level of assistance later in his life.

Even being split equally in our family has caused resentment with siblings.

It's awful all.this inheritance malarkey.

In these circumstances I would me making sure my brother had a flat at the end of the day even if my parents left everything equally so probably easier if it was just in the will

I didn't vote because you are not unreasonable to feel it is unfair. But...it is not unusual, where needs are unequal. My paternal grandfather left almost everything to one son because he needed it more. My father was fine with this because he earns well and wanted his brother to be well provided for. Obviously it is easier to accept when you yourself are comfortably off - in your case it sounds as if you and your sister could use the money.

Are you going to tell your sister?

It entirely depends whether your brother can't fend for himself... Or can't be arsed to fend for himself.

The former petrifies me. I have 3DC. The eldest with additional needs, not so severe that he can't live a relatively normal existence, but he is gullible, vulnerable, has no decision making skills and I can't imagine him ever living successfully outside our home. He's self destructive, and also the ideal target for anyone immoral.

Slightly different, my parents are v.wealthy and I know he is being left a significant amount. Equivalent to me (I'm an only child) and my other two DC are getting token amounts. I fully agree with this. Because they have the ability to be hugely successful, they have the ability to be shrewd or not, to have and most likely keep a family unit, to control their own stability. Their lives will play out primarily down to their choices.

Eldest doesn't really make choices. Life more happens to him and he's trying to juggle the poor planning and the errors he's made through being unable to focus or think things through. It breaks my heart to think of him without us here to turn to. At least he will have a guaranteed home for an amount of time. My younger two will probably not like that, but hell, they don't realise how he'd give the lot away in a heartbeat to have the chance of living a life like neuro typical them.

Presumably the houses is at least a two bed, so would it be possible for your dB to be accommodated in a one bed place nearish you/your sister and the remainder of the will spilt between you and your dais?

Just making a tough guess as I don't know locations and costs of such in your areas

That way he would be provided for but would benefit form the social support?

My Dad has been in this position in his family. He is one of three brothers, him and his eldest brother both married, children, job, own a house etc. His other brother although in his 60’s when his parents died was still living at home due to issues similar to your brother.
The house was left to the brother who needed it so he never has to worry about somewhere to live. My Dad and his eldest brother understand that it’s what is needed and what their parents wanted.

...and if the parents don't do that then he may end up turning to the other siblings for support, so they're potentially actually indirectly helping you too. My only concern is how he'll manage his money once they're gone, as it sounds like he's not really done that so far?

@Arethereshootingstarstonight I have been there!! all your mother will do is end up splitting the family! uneven division of assets only makes the child given the least, feeling that they are insignificant in the family and are worthless! what she is planning is bad for all the siblings. on another note, your db will be enitiled to pension because hopefully he has been signing on. the gives him stamp credit.