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Original poster

Was I wrong to say this to sister ?

167 replies

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:06

She is 40, still at home. Works but it's low paid and she is single.
I am 34, just moved out with fiance , he is paying the mortgage which I know I am very fortunate for as I wouldn't be able to move out alone either.
Anyway I suggested sister should get a cat (family are on board) and she seemed really off with me and said 'Why does everyone keep saying that? If I get one it keeps me stuck here in the family home or is that what everyone wants?' Was this insensitive of me ? I just think it would be nice for her as realistically, saving up for her own flat in the area we live in will take many years and I'm not saying that nastily but we all know how tough it is out there. Why not have something that could give her some joy in the meantime ?

OP posts:
Catpuss66 · 20/07/2024 21:27

HeddaGarbled · 20/07/2024 20:19

You are the epitome of a Bridget-Jones-smug-married.

However not sure the sister has that much to be smug about, not married yet, & she certainly hasn’t managed to get herself financially out of her parents home. She knows exactly why her sister was pissed off. Her poor sister who needs enemies when you have family like her.

msmatcha · 20/07/2024 21:26

LostTheMarble · 20/07/2024 20:10

What a weird thing to suggest. A cat is a living creature, not some way to make up for what you think she’s missing in life. Also why aren’t you paying towards the mortgage? Puts you in a poor position if you break up, worry about your own life…

Exactly this.

dapsnotplimsolls · 20/07/2024 21:24

Did you think the cat would make up for you not being there anymore?

AzureAnt · 20/07/2024 21:21

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:21

She loves cats I should have said in my first post.

Don't know why people are judging living situations, very judgemental when you look at the price of properties and if you are on a single income it's doubly hard.

Yes, I know I am lucky but no I am not smug.

If she's 40 and still living with parents, assuming she's paying a peppercorn rent, she had enough years to save up for a place of her own

PinkArt · 20/07/2024 21:20

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:36

As I said before, she adores cats and animals. That's why it was suggested. Of course if she didn't then nothing would have been said and I agree that in that case it would be wrong. But that isn't the case here. She cat sits for many people and has done so for many years.
I am out of this. People just being rude and judgemental for the sake of it now. Nothing new there.

So she knows cats exist. She knows the concept of having them as pets (or in the case of cats, them having you as pets) exists. If she wants to get a cat, she'll get a fucking cat. She doesn't needs your 'helpful' suggestion.
People are rude and judgemental. You were to your sister. You can flounce off and whine about the mean girls to your mortgage paying fiance, or you can apologise to your sister for upsetting her with your comments.

Caththegreat · 20/07/2024 21:14

And now you are married...oh thank God.f....bridget f...g jones and that sick culture .. why didn't you challenge their offensive gifts.

akasalishsea · 20/07/2024 21:13

AutumnalNights · 20/07/2024 20:06

She is 40, still at home. Works but it's low paid and she is single.
I am 34, just moved out with fiance , he is paying the mortgage which I know I am very fortunate for as I wouldn't be able to move out alone either.
Anyway I suggested sister should get a cat (family are on board) and she seemed really off with me and said 'Why does everyone keep saying that? If I get one it keeps me stuck here in the family home or is that what everyone wants?' Was this insensitive of me ? I just think it would be nice for her as realistically, saving up for her own flat in the area we live in will take many years and I'm not saying that nastily but we all know how tough it is out there. Why not have something that could give her some joy in the meantime ?

While your intentions are perceived as caring by you, I would say you are off because you are telling her what is good for her and concerning yourself with her outcomes to an excessive degree, evidenced by telling her to get something she does not want as compensation for not being able to afford to move out. She is her own person. If she is complaining about not being able to afford to move out then just listen to her and let her vent. That's all any of us can do when things are going negative for someone. You can ask her if she needs an accountability partner for any savings plan she might have towards moving out money and ask her to be yours for whatever financial goal you have- that way it is a partnership and not one adult parenting the other.

If she talks to much to your disliking about moving out then just listen for a minute, commiserate with her for another minute and then either change the subject or leave the conversation. She will eventually find you not a captive audience and stop, well hopefully she will.

AGoingConcern · 20/07/2024 21:12

Sometimes we say something with no ill-intent and either get it wrong or accidentally hit on a sore spot. It happens.

"Sorry, I clearly put my foot in my mouth a bit there." And then you move on.

godmum56 · 20/07/2024 21:12

godmum56 · 20/07/2024 20:54

OP "was I wrong?"
MN "yes"
OP"You are all rude and judgemental but I don't care because I have got a fiance"

I knew i was hearing this in a voice...... Violet Elizabeth Bott.

Sunshinethrumywindow · 20/07/2024 21:12

It was insensitive and you do need to apologise if you haven't already.

Your partner covers your mortgage and you are lucky and you know that anyway. But how you would you feel in your sisters shoes, you don't know how she's feeling atm . I'm not jumping on the bandwagon but I have to be honest you asked.

It's a lesson learned. Take her out for a drink or something and don't mention cats again.

Miyagi99 · 20/07/2024 21:11

STARCATCHER22 · 20/07/2024 21:01

Some would argue that a cat that lives for 20 years is a longer commitment than a fiancé to pay the mortgage…

Show quote history

😂😂

Caththegreat · 20/07/2024 21:10

Oh and all the men on mumsnet are so great ...we need to stop this judging and looking to bag a man ...grouse are they? Jesus.Jane Austen with tech.but a basic income and large pods would ensure we all have a home and maybe can meet others in security rather than this desperation.leave her alone and as foe the go getters comment shame on you poster.life is hard.shpw compassion.you ont know what's going to happen to you!

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/07/2024 21:08

@AutumnalNights If you were genuinely interested in responses about why she might be annoyed with you, then you have a lot of useful information - a win, surely?

Lorelaigilmore88 · 20/07/2024 21:06

Very patronising. Im sure if she wanted a cat she'd know how to get one!

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 20/07/2024 21:06

Nasty piece of trouble making you’ve done here, OP.

Nousernamesleft224566 · 20/07/2024 21:03

STARCATCHER22 · 20/07/2024 21:01

Some would argue that a cat that lives for 20 years is a longer commitment than a fiancé to pay the mortgage…

Show quote history

Has the OP got a fiance who pays the mortgage? She didn't mention it.

STARCATCHER22 · 20/07/2024 21:01

Miyagi99 · 20/07/2024 21:00

She’s right really, it’s more difficult to rent a place with a pet and cats can live up to 20 year so it’s one hell of a commitment.

Some would argue that a cat that lives for 20 years is a longer commitment than a fiancé to pay the mortgage…

willWillSmithsmith · 20/07/2024 21:01

Butchyrestingface · 20/07/2024 20:45

Why didn't the pair of you pool your income and move out together long before now?

Show quote history

The sister probably didn’t want an insufferable housemate.

Miyagi99 · 20/07/2024 21:00

She’s right really, it’s more difficult to rent a place with a pet and cats can live up to 20 year so it’s one hell of a commitment.

willWillSmithsmith · 20/07/2024 20:59

TheCultureHusks · 20/07/2024 20:52

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get a cat though? She’s busy I’d imagine, normal life working and social stuff, you’re just going to be sitting in someone else’s house from now on as I understand it? You need the cat more than her surely?

Touché I think 😁

willWillSmithsmith · 20/07/2024 20:57

Are you really so unaware that single older women and cats is a derogatory stereotype? Whether it’s an unfair one or not is beside the point.

BlimminCat · 20/07/2024 20:55

Does she want a cat?
The thing is what she has probably interpreted it as is that you think given her age and still living at home she should become a ‘cat lady’ stereotype. I can see how she will have felt offended.
And you, younger and smug with your mortgage paying partner is not going to be helping matters. She probably things you are being unkind.

Tagyoureit · 20/07/2024 20:55

godmum56 · 20/07/2024 20:54

OP "was I wrong?"
MN "yes"
OP"You are all rude and judgemental but I don't care because I have got a fiance"

🤣🤣🤣🤣

godmum56 · 20/07/2024 20:54

OP "was I wrong?"
MN "yes"
OP"You are all rude and judgemental but I don't care because I have got a fiance"

GBJustina · 20/07/2024 20:54

She’s probably really fed up with all of the smug “helpful” suggestions