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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am/Was I doing too much for my Stepchildren?

34 replies

StrugglingSM28 · 20/07/2024 18:35

Hi everyone

I’ve been with my SO for just over 2 years. He has 2 children aged 5 and 10 and they visit EOW. I do not have any children of my own.

Admittedly, our relationship moved pretty quickly and we began living together after 6 months. Please please don’t attack me with “well you knew he had kids”. I totally underestimated it and I hold my hands up to that. But I love this man more than anything in the world.

In the early days I felt little pressure (other for them to like me). On the weekends they were with us I would spend some days with them and others out with friends/doing my own thing and the balance was nice. But as time moved on I began to feel more and more pressure to spend the entire time with them and I began to feel suffocated.

Plans (often with other family members) began to be made without asking me. It was just assumed I would come along unless I was out of town and if I said I was tired then I was met with resistance and told “but the kids will miss you/ they haven’t seen you yet” by my SO. His family would also question where I was.

I’d then make a conscious effort to pop out for some “me time” during their stay, only to be asked what time I will be back and “We can wait for you before we leave for x” etc. And I should add that this kind of behaviour doesn’t happen when we don’t have the children.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive. And one last thing to paint the picture… I’ve always taken a step back when it comes to the parenting/discipling side of things but SO has said he would expect me to be doing more of that by now…

Anyway, this was affecting me A LOT. I ignored the disciplining thing and a I started pulling back / “quietly quitting” in some areas as I didn’t feel appreciated and it’s helped my sanity a little but I still feel like a maid in my own home most of the time.

So I’m curious…

AIBU for just wanting/needing my own space at times when they are here? Or is this expected given we don’t have them full time?

OP posts:
Solocup · 21/07/2024 02:37

At least let him know you’ll only be doing your own washing from here on.

Squidlydoo · 20/07/2024 19:00

I still do have some away time (hours rather than days) when they come to visit. I go and watch tv in another room or go out for a bit to allow them to spend some one on one or alone time with their dad. That is so important.

having said that, I did embrace the step mum role fully pretty much straight away and I love my step children as much as I love my husband. Not saying it’s always been easy (they are now older teens) but ultimately it is a decision I made and embraced from an early point

I will add though my husband is incredibly domesticated so I have never felt housework resentment as he always steps up whether the stepkids are visiting or not!

I suspect you need to decide is the issue your role as step mum (the relationship with the children and the commitment this brings) or the expectations of your partner to carry most of the burden?

sadly if you are not committed to the children, it will only get harder with time.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 20/07/2024 18:58

Yanbu but I’ve read my fair share of stories on here over the years and a lot of men expect the new partner to take over from where their ex wife left off. I think that the two of you have very different images of what a blended family looks like - he wants you to pretend that you’re ex wife parent wise and already has you doing stuff that he should be doing like cooking, cleaning and shopping for the kids.

Original poster
StrugglingSM28 · 20/07/2024 18:55

Squidlydoo · 20/07/2024 18:47

as a step mother of two for the past 15 years I empathise with the range of emotions you are feeling. It is not easy and actually can get harder as the children get older. Being a stepmom is also incredibly rewarding but resentment can and may build if not addressed.

My advice is this… really ask yourself if you are in this for the long haul. The kids and your partner come as a deal. This is something you really have to reflect on. Having your own children with step children around also brings with it another whole set of emotions as post-partum hormones kick in.

If you do decide you are fully committed, then you need to talk to your partner about your feelings. It sounds like he is wanting to create a more nuclear family and is actively encouraging your involvement which is great .you also sound a good step mum and very thoughtful about the needs of your stepchildren. Resentment though is not good in these situations.

If you feel you are not ready for the commitment of children, maybe he is not the man for you, or you need to step your relationship back a bit.

being a maid in your own home is how most of us mums feel. As you haven’t yet got your own children, you are instead expeeriencing this early when your step children visit.

ultimately only you can decide if this is what you want! Good luck x

@Squidlydoo I really appreciate your response so thank you. During your early years as a stepmum did you need to get away (sounds awful) from time to time and just take time for yourself? Did you ever feel guilty/ were made to feel guilty for doing so?

OP posts:
Squidlydoo · 20/07/2024 18:50

…. Just to add that your husband should absolutely be stepping up as the primary caregiver when the children stay!

Squidlydoo · 20/07/2024 18:47

as a step mother of two for the past 15 years I empathise with the range of emotions you are feeling. It is not easy and actually can get harder as the children get older. Being a stepmom is also incredibly rewarding but resentment can and may build if not addressed.

My advice is this… really ask yourself if you are in this for the long haul. The kids and your partner come as a deal. This is something you really have to reflect on. Having your own children with step children around also brings with it another whole set of emotions as post-partum hormones kick in.

If you do decide you are fully committed, then you need to talk to your partner about your feelings. It sounds like he is wanting to create a more nuclear family and is actively encouraging your involvement which is great .you also sound a good step mum and very thoughtful about the needs of your stepchildren. Resentment though is not good in these situations.

If you feel you are not ready for the commitment of children, maybe he is not the man for you, or you need to step your relationship back a bit.

being a maid in your own home is how most of us mums feel. As you haven’t yet got your own children, you are instead expeeriencing this early when your step children visit.

ultimately only you can decide if this is what you want! Good luck x

Daleksatemyshed · 20/07/2024 18:47

Another man who thinks his DP should do everything for his DC. Tell him he needs to do their washing and cook for them, his DC, his job.

Turophilic · 20/07/2024 18:45

They are there to spend time with their dad, not you. He needs to back off.

His children’s washing and food are his responsibility too. Looks to me like he’s installing you as auxiliary parent to make his life easy.

MumChp · 20/07/2024 18:37

Why don't he takes care of laundry, shopping and cooking?

I would insist on me-time.