Am/Was I doing too much for my Stepchildren?

Well he's got a cushy support human situation hasn't he!

Of course he moved in with you after 6 months. So many men do this- get a woman to move in quickly so they can do the parenting for them. Why on earth are you doing the washing, cooking and stuff? How do you it attractive for a man to expect you to do all this? At least it's a warning not to have kids with him yourself.

It does very much sound like he is mainly interested in what you can do for him.

If "his" objective here is for you to lean in a bit with spending time as a family, then he should be prepared to take on the laundry, cooking, food planning & buying etc so you get some time out then and you have more left over for #familytime. Put it to him - see what he says.

Think of this not only in terms of you loving him but are you respected in your relationship, does he care about what you want out of life and put your wishes ahead of his own? The stepparenting adds masses of complication of course, but is never valid excuse for treating your partner like a servant. Focus on the relationship between you and your partner, not the relationship between you and the stepchildren.

What some people don’t seem to realise is that the kids need time on their own with their father. I know this from experience

He wants someone else to do his jobs and take on his responsibilities. He sees his kids EOW and is trying to outsource them. He's a grown man and can cook, clean and look after his children. This is very unattractive and would give me the 🤢

Do you want to have kids? I imagine he was doing the same ahit with the kids mum.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive.

^^ this is the bit you really shouldn’t be doing - esp the washing and additional shopping. Taking turns to make the meals is probably fine but not you doing most of it.

Why on earth would it be your job to do their washing?

Asking you to “step up” re the discipline is also concerning - it’s his job and if you do step in, I bet he then takes issue with it if you do it “wrong”.

Spending time together as a family I think is the least worst bit - but he should be consulting you re plans made with other people / general plans, not just assuming you’ll keep the whole weekend free for him. Nothing wrong with you also doing some things alone but I think spending time together is nice if done in the right way.

I still feel like a maid in my own home most of the time.

This is wrong. Have your told your bf this? He should be doing all the prep work and all the practical stuff for his kids. They're HIS responsibility, not yours.

And he should be listening to you when you tell him how you feel. If he doesn't, it doesn't bode well for the relationship.

And his relatives need to back off and stop interfering.

And did your bf move into your house?? That changes things too.

But I love this man more than anything in the world.

Why?

Sounds like a lazy twat to me.

Well yes and no. My DH kids were older, it one moved in full time about a year after we married.
Of course I cooked for them and got food in, as that's what I did for the family as a whole - I didn't distinguish between me and DH and step kids. Laundry I did but as I say they were older and they did start doing their own.
Basically you are their step mother with all the responsibilities that entails. Which means discipline too. And it's nice that everyone sees you as a family unit.
But sure you are entitled to 'you time'. Take one of the weekend days and go off and do whatever. But the kids are just there every other weekend - seems you do have plenty of 'you time' anyway.

Why is he using you as his dcs’ maid? Stop doing the shopping/washing/cleaning for them, that’s his job, surely, especially given he’s a weekend dad.

I’ll also add that I do all of the children’s washing, cook most of the meals and ensure the right food is in the fridge for when they arrive.

This is too much and is their father's responsibility and he is wrong to expect you to discipline his dc.

Is he looking for a replacement so he does exactly the same amount of parenting as when he was married….because it doesn't Work like that. He might need reminded of that. Also if that’s really the only kind of relationship he’s known….and you are used to datung….that’s a learning curve too.

I had a similar journey to you, but I didn’t move in properly for about 3 years, which helped. And kept my own place to retreat to….

I was doing a lot of the cooking , organising etc after I moved in. Frankly I should have done less as DH was happy to let me do whatever and it was all fairly thankless.

I stepped back again and that was fine, after a bit of adjustment, I never disciplined the kids, they had a perfectly competent set of parents to do that.

I still, 20 years in, step out of family stuff when it all gets too much….but I have a good relationship with the kids, dh’s ex, etc. so stepping back doesn’t mean that won’t happen. But I wasn’t going to be a nanny and a maid.

It sounds like he is trying to take a step back from his responsibilities. By having you there all of the time, he is hoping that you will share the workload. This is unfair. They are his children and his responsibility. By any chance, was he shirking his duties when he was with their mother? He wants you to feel guilty whenever you have time to yourself. Set boundaries now OP or before you know it, you'll be looking after the children and he'll be off out doing his hobbies ie cycling!

Out of interesting, when you moved in together, did you get a new place to move into? A previous poster suggested he has moved into your home.
If it's the latter it changes my thoughts on the situation.

I’m not a stepmum, but I think you need to set up some ground rules for your partner so that there are clear expectations for when the kids visit. Saturday mornings, until lunchtime say, is your time every week, without question. This is time for your partner and his kids to hang out together, go do an activity whatever it is. Then you’re doing something that you want whether it’s going to bed, meeting friends, a swim whatever.

I also think you and DP need a chat about household jobs. Who does the cooking and cleaning when the kids are at their mums? Why have you taken on all of this work?

Sorry but you’re going to have to have a very firm talk about boundaries with your DH, who sounds like he moved you in in record time because he wanted someone to take over his parenting and household responsibilities.

Work on healthy boundaries for all of you and what you are willing/ want to to do in this role. It is nice he wants to involve you but sounds like you feel suffocated so set some ground rules eg, ‘I love to spend time with your children but I also need some time to myself, so I would like to spend one morning/ a few hours doing X while they are staying’. In terms of doing domestic tasks, this needs to be worked out between you. Just because you are à woman obviously doesn’t mean you should have to do his children’s washing etc… but you may decide between you, that he will do the cooking for example, and you don’t mind taking on the washing but this should not be an expectation.
Decide whether you do want to stay in this relationship and if so talk to your partner about how it will work going forwards. Remember as a partner, you have no legal recourse in the relationship and you are not legally the children’s stepmum. I am not sure if this makes a difference to you but it would a bit to me. This could be a highly positive situation and relationships for everyone but some ground rules need to be established.

It reads like he wants a replacement mum for when he has them. You shouldn't be doing their washing shopping etc. nor should you have to come along to outings. I'd be concerned by how quickly you have been nominated as a parent and with what sounds like no discussion to see if you are comfortable with it and some pressure to conform.

I wouldn't stay with this person because I would be concerned about their parenting (the fact that they have moved someone else in quickly to do the hard slog for them) and the fact that he pressures you to be a parent. I would predict this will only get worse especially if you chose to have kids yourselves.

Why have you made yourself the maid and cleaner and cook and housekeeper?!

This. I think it's great that you spend time with his children, you are also a family unit. But it doesn't make sense that you're doing all the housework for them, your DH sounds like a bit of a pig tbh.

seriously? If your relationship means you feel like a maid in your own home, then address that with your partner. The op does not have to. ‘Dh, mums get time out too. If you want us to be more of a nuclear family we will need to be the type where the dad is at least an equal partner. You Start doing the food prep shopping and cleaning for your kids and maybe then I’ll be happier to be roped into everything, when you’re pulling your weight rather than expecting me to for your children.

YANBU.

Even mothers get time away from their kids and not always expected to be accompanying their husbands with the children when they visit the in-laws.

On the discipline front, you are actually doing right because it isn’t just his decision but his ex as well and it should be an agreement between them both what you can and can’t do.

I think you need to talk to both him and the ex and see what kind of relationship they want you to have with their kids before you choose to settle down with him so you know what is expected of you and can decide if this is what you really want.

I think he's asking way to much of you. When I was a child I wouldn't have expected my Dad's partner to do all that for me, or even be around. I was there to see my Dad. They have a Mother so they aren't missing out on one. No way should you be doing all the wife work for them. It's his job. Do what you want at the weekend. I would say aim to be a benevolent figure in their life who they see sometimes. Also no to the discipline. When I was a kid it was definitely NOT the partners job to discipline. I think you need word s with your SO.

A man who moves you in with his children after only a few months and has already stepped back and let you take over the shopping, cooking and washing for them is not a good partner or father.

How did this happen? How did he just stop doing all the things he'd obviously been fine doing before you came on the scene, and how did you just take up all that extra work for HIS kids without discussion or complaint?