Would you tell a male friend you liked them/ask them out?

Towards the end of last year I told one of my male friends I had feelings for him. I had liked him for ages tbh. Mutual friends of ours were always saying we'd make a good couple. I had a sense he'd always liked me, had I not had this then I wouldn't have told him.

He told me he liked me as well and we had two great dates. He then faded me out/practically ghosted me. I was very hurt. We don't speak at all now. I wish he had just said that he wasn't feeling it or had changed his mind tbh. But I don't regret telling him even though it's ruined the friendship. I couldn't spend any more time wondering what if.

It's a tricky one. I think forming a friendship that turns romantic is a great foundation for a relationship. But the risk to pride, confidence and the friendship itself can really deter you doing anything. I actually had two incidents of this. The first time, the friendship was ruined. We tried but it was a constant elephant in the room. The second one I married.

I would be cautious. Enjoy the friendship and let in continue to grow but at the same time just be a little flirty. Just enough to give him a hint but not make it obvious and see where it goes.

I have a theory on this based on my own and my friends' experiences of dating. There is a type of man, usually one who doesn't get much female attention, who when someone shows interest in him, it feeds his ego so much that he can't ever let it go. He builds your mild interest into undying love in his head, and for years to come, even after you have moved on and forgot about him, he thinks that you are just waiting for any opportunity to jump back in there and get the special prize that is him. These men are dicks and are no loss to you. A man who is secure in himself and who is generally an attractive sort of person, does not behave like this.

I told a male friend that I had feelings for him. I thought the feelings were mutual (as did our mutual friends). It was a bit of shock when he said he didn't feel the same. He was initially kind about it but once I put up boundaries he turned against me and tried (and very nearly succeeded) in turning our friends against me - I was very much painted as the bitter scorned woman even though I'd moved on and was dating other men. I just stood my ground about some of his behaviour towards me which was twisted by him because he couldn't get his way.

Thankfully, other friends began to notice some of his poor behaviour towards me and things were OK but it took 2 years from me telling him. It's now 15 years on, we're still part of the same friendship group but as we live in different parts of the country we rarely see each other but when we do it's fine but we'll never be as good friends again as we were before and I don't want to be.

I don't regret it and in your shoes for a 3 month friendship, I'd tell him otherwise you'll spend the rest of your friendship wondering what if and getting down when he dates someone

It would make me a shitty person if I did that to someone just because they had feelings. You feel how you feel.

I've had male friends ask me out in the past. Can hand on heart say it didn't ruin the friendships for us. Of the 3 that asked me out, 1 of them is still one of my closest friends to this day. The other 2, well they're in relationships/married now and we are more like casual acquaintances but that's just life.

I'm currently dating my best friend though. I asked him and we're still good 6 months in. I think our friendship is the thing that makes it so good.

It's just that whenever I tried to talk to the ex crush/friend he acted like I was diseased

So he wasn't a very good friend after all, was he?

I'm not scared of the romantic rejection, I'm more scared of being rejected altogether

Yes. So, 'scared of rejection'. Have a look at why that's such a concern for you. You didn't have him as a friend 5 minutes ago, so, if he rejects you as a friend, you'll just be there again. Why was it so bad, not having him in your life, that you wouldn't risk asking for what you want?

My DP and I started as friends and it flowed naturally deeper and deeper until we both knew without a doubt we both wanted a relationship. Been together years, very much in love.
The friendship becomes obviously deeper simply by wanting to do more - wanting to meet each other more, or talk more, telling them news before anyone else, volunteering to help each other with things you wouldn’t necessarily have chosen to do, lingering at the end of time together because you both love it so much…huge smiles when you see each other…it really does become glaringly obvious!

I think you just seem a bit naive about male/female dynamics, I thought you may be of student age and just developing your understanding of relationships.

If in the first weeks of knowing someone, you have a sense that you’d like to date them, what good will it do you to sit on that information? You hang around in the edges developing a stronger affection for them, for what? No one enjoys rejection, but rejection just allows you to free yourself to move on to find something else that is right for you.

Why does it have to be so black and white? Why does it have to be 'Would you like to go for a drink with a view to dating and starting a relationship because I'm attracted to you in a romantic way and would like to see if we can progress to a long term relationship?' Why can't it just be 'Drink?' and gear your time together to be just the two of you?

A strong friendship will survive an unwanted advance, if it's respectful, but you've only known him 5 minutes. You can clearly remember life before you'd ever laid eyes on him. You've got food in your freezer older than your friendship!

You sound quite young. Tell people how you feel, and have your own back, so that if they reject you, you're ok. You'll be way happier this way than hiding how you feel because you're scared of rejection.

But the connection you have is that you fancy him and want to have a relationship.

I don’t think the guy who liked you and you didn’t reciprocate with that feeling treated you badly. He wanted you as a girlfriend/love interest, you didn’t and be accepted that and moved on.

Are you someone who cares a lot about how you are perceived? Are you quite young?

So, my DH was my friend for ages before we got together. He tried to ask me out 2 years before we got together. But I said no (had a lot of stuff going on and knew I was not in a good place relationship-wise). We remained friends (slightly awkward for a few weeks, but otherwise fine!)

Then I asked him out 2 years later. We started dating. That was 10 years ago. Got married 7 years ago and have 2 kids.

I love him. But we're also best friends.