Not invited to christening

‘Hi Friend - I’ve been thinking - and although of course you can invite who you like to baby’s christening and I understand it’s a small event - I am hurt to not have been invited. I have made a huge effort for our friendship since you became pregnant and considered us very close. I don’t expect an invite now, but want to say this has hurt me.’

@MumChp I was referring to slanother poster who said (quite correctly) that it doesn't exactly uphold her "Christian values".

I completely agree with this. I used to go to Church when I first moved into the place I live now (about 10 years ago,) and there was a big bunch of about 12 or 13 quite cliquey women there. Pleasant but very tight. There was one of them (Ann) that used to hang on to me like a limpet. She was so possessive and obsessive and constantly wanting to know everything about me and what I was doing and lots of personal intrusive questions about me ... She was so nosey. After a while - about 8-9 months I started giving her a wide berth.

She was actually one of the reasons I stopped going to church so much and cut it down from three to four times a month to once or twice a month. A new trainee minister came to the church; (he was actually learning the craft from the vicar there,) and was there twice a month. He was due to be another church a few miles down the road later on.

6 of these women in this group got invited to his wedding, because they were very thick with the vicar.. 'Ann' was not invited, but she pretty much invited herself. She said to the trainee minister. 'Oh yes, me and Steve will be able to come. That's so wonderful - we're looking forward to your wedding!' She actually invited herself! No-one had the nerve to say she can't go.

I was actually talking to the women in the group who were invited, and this weird obsessive woman (Ann) joined in the conversation, and she started going on about the wedding. 'And oh, I'm coming to your house first, aren't I? Annette. It'll be so much fun at the wedding. I can't wait. Can you Julie? Sarah. Linda, Liz?'

She kept blathering on about this wedding that I wasn't invited to. All of the women in the group who were chatting were going to it... Except me. After about 30 seconds of Ann talking about it, one of the ladies actually turned the subject off it - and she turned it right back on again.

I really, genuinely think it was to rub my nose in it that I wasn't invited, to be spiteful, because I had been giving her a wide berth. But I wasn't expecting to be invited because I didn't really know the couple that well. She was only going because she'd invited herself. She didn't know the couple any more than me! She only moved into this area 3 months before I did, and got herself in with the Church clique quite quick! I carried on going to Church for a while - a couple of years - but went less and less and less, then stopped altogether when Covid hit and never went back.

But yeah, tl;dr, it is beyond rude and spiteful and nasty, to chat about something that is going on - like a 'do' or a party or a wedding, especially with other people who are invited - in front of someone who isn't.

She is, at the very least, rude and thoughtless.

It's probably a good idea to be busy now on the day of the christening - a spa day, or weekend away. It'll take your mind of it at least.

unkind

I'm so sorry @Blackberryandcherry. In some friendship dynamics you have a radiator and a drain. The radiator provides all the comfort and help and the drain, well, it's self explanatory.

This isn't the friendship that you thought it was and on that basis I'd make myself unavailable. She may or may not realise that she has lost a lovely friend but, as it stands, she sounds like an inconsiderate user.

Going against the grain here. I would not expect to be invited to a children’s party unless I had kids or was close family (and was obligated to attend). I wouldn’t be interested in going.

Your feelings are hurt but it’s possible that the host doesn’t know you would like to go to the party. Just talk to her.

Surely the rest of the group will be shocked. If they're not, then they're monsters too. Agree you have nothing to be embarassed about - your 'friend' should be mortified.

I’m sorry that you’ve been treated so awfully by this person, I wonder if all her so called baby’s friends will support her in the future. I’d give her some space and wait for her to contact you when she realises how rotten she’s treated you.

Book a break the weekend of the christening so there's no danger of you being asked to make sandwiches like an unpaid skivvy.

Seconded. Definitely be away that weekend.

Same thing happened to me.

A close friend had a Christening for her two young DCs. I’d always been active in their life, baby showers, birthdays, Christmas presents for the kids, visits etc. Me and another friend weren’t invited as we didn’t have kids at the time.

It wasn’t even a small christening. It was like a huge event. We’ve obviously drifted and I don’t make as much effort now.

That's truly, breathtakingly, bizarre and awful. Notice now who she really is -a taker. That's so cruel. Sorry OP, your efforts deserve better than that treatment. I hope you have other, better friends you can spend your time with.

Don't let her know how hurt you are. It won't make you feel any better. It's so hard when you realise that a friendship isn't the way you've valued it from their perspective, but from hard earned experience, I wouldn't fall out over it and just distance yourself quietly.

I think most of us have been there at some point, and it's shit but don't take it personally - it's one of those situations when it really isn't you

She’s not your friend, she is a piss taker

I'd personally be grateful not to be invited to the Christening, because I find them extremely boring - but I can absolutely see why you are upset. It's so rude after everything you've done.

I'd pull right back from her and drift away. I'd be 'sorry, been very busy and unavailable' if she wanted coffee, company or anything else. And I'd not ask about the Christening at all. I'd take it that she'd shown her true colours and mentally relegate her to the role of 'aquaintance I am polite to if we happen to meet'.

She sounds thoughtless and horrid.

Ohhhhhhhh no.

Mate, your friend is a user. You're not useful to her new life as a mum.

I think they're seeing the party as a " kid's party" and might assume that you wouldn't care about being there. This is the only reason I can think of why you might be excluded. Even if that is the case, they're being ignorant because that's not really what a christening is about and it's awful to exclude just one person. I would have to ask why and let her know how much it's upset you.

You should not be embarrassed. She should be.

But I would clarify if you say she is a good friend. Ask if you are invited? Ask who the godparents will be.

Simple text message. 'Hi friend, I just wanted to say that after organising the whole of your baby shower, I feel hurt not to be included in xxx's christening. Is there a particular reason you decided not to invite me?'

This. I'm not buying the whole baby brain forgot to invite you/compartmentalise friends thing. You were kind and caring and looked out for her. To her you were handy and available but she doesn't value you. I would text her and say something to bring it to her attention that you are not invited and are surprised and see what she says.you sound lovely.

And are you a 100% sure she doesn't mean you in the "family" numbers? Like as an automatic person there?

Like she might be asking you to be a godparent after all you've done?

Dont use anymore annual leave to help her with childcare or anything.

Step back and dont see her alone anymore and only if there's a group gathering.

Put her on mute on your phone and start making new friends.

Book a break the weekend of the christening so there's no danger of you being asked to make sandwiches like an unpaid skivvy.

This woman is a user, not a friend.

"baby brain"
She hasn't put the car keys in the fridge. She's shared a list of those invited, and it doesn't include the OP.

Exactly this. I’d decide what to do about the friendship based on the response. Could be thoughtlessness and baby brain but if after being told how hurt you are she doesn’t feel really bad about how you feel, then that’d be the end for me

Wow. What a cow.
Ditch her, op. She's shown you what she thinks of you