Is DH going out with his ex normal?

I think it’s completely normal. My parents used to stay over (in guest room) at each other’s houses for important events (we lived about 2 hours away from each other). They’d sometimes take me to something together or both bring me to a sports competition. They’d go on holiday together sometimes. It actually made life much better for me that they got along and that I had my primary parent (my mum) there even when doing something with my dad (who was a bit shit). Sometimes my dad’s partner would join us too!

If you’re invited = totally fine, in fact quite lovely.

If not = nope.

Great they get along, but family days out are what non-separated parents do.

No I wouldn't be okay with it and I wouldn't do it myself either (I have an ex-husband I have kids with). It just muddies the water and I don't think it's good for the kids either. My DH and his ex are not family, me and my ex are not family. That's what happens when you get divorced.

I mean I'm unsure why you married someone and started IVF all within a 2 year period when you've been having consistent troubles with this sort of thing? Genuinely you need to get this sorted before adding more stress with IVF cycles and future shared DC, otherwise it'll continue to annoy you and get worse.

I don't think a shared day out with the DC is a huge huge issue on its own, or sending photos to show his DC (if they're too young for their own phones!), but staying on FaceTime to just chat to his ex after speaking to his DC could be a bit annoying.

They will always have their DC together and getting along is the best thing for their DC, I think you've left it a little late to be getting this upset about the boundaries if I'm honest, you've already married him!

They are not “family” that’s the point of separation/divorce.

They are adults who share children. Get a grip of yourself.

Invite yourself along too, if it's all friendly you could also be there and be friendly.

If he/she doesn't like that idea then yes I'd have an issue.

He can look after the kids when she's not around or if he says yes you can come but you don't want to, I'd be fine with both of those scenarios

He will FOREVER be linked to her and his children and yes it’s best if everyone gets along and yes sometimes it’s important and necessary for the children to see their parents together sometimes you will be included.
Please remember you are the outsider joining a family who for a variety of reasons no longer live together.

Surely it’s a good thing that he’s still friends with his ex? They still have to co-parent whether you like it or not. Seeing as you are hoping to have your own children it’s good that he takes his responsibilities as a father seriously. If he just dropped them that wouldn’t make him good Dad material, would it? The issue seems be less about his ex and more about your trust in him. As someone with trust issues myself I can relate - I have been badly treated in the past and now find it impossible to trust men as partners. My choice has been to remain single - I am happier that way, but that’s just me. This seems, unless there is something else you haven’t mentioned, to be your problem. Maybe consider counselling? Also, if you think he’ll react positively, talk to him about your fears without blaming him. On the face of it he isn’t doing anything wrong, but he may be willing to just see his kids without her if it makes you uncomfortable. The other thing you could do is make friends with her yourself and get to know his children better. If you knew her better that may reassure you, and it would be great for your children to be close to their half-siblings. Then you could be going on the castle trip, and joining in on these conversations! That would probably be the best, healthiest outcome. But remember even if it turns out his ex is still holding a candle, he chose you. I hope everything goes well for you and that the IVF works xx

Hmm I'm on the fence with this one.

Sleeping over at the house for a special occasion, an emergency or some other sensible reason would be ok but if it's just a case of the kids want him there, I don't think is OK really. That's something my ex did shortly after we separated.

Staying on a call to chat is fine I think.

Going out all together with the kids is OK as a one off as long as it's not all the time.

Why did they split up?

Why did they split up?

I’m in two minds. In my personal situation I need the kids dad to come with on trips because they have high needs and it’s a two adult situation. But if he had a partner, I’d have no issue with them coming along as well. It’s not what I’d ‘want’ as such, but I have issues with my ex and boundaries.

He will always have other children who will need his time, and sometimes it will involve talking to mum and such. There will be times where he will probably do things that are specific for them, even if and when you have your own child. But if you sense he’s being more of a family with his ex, you should talk to him about it. Why were you not invited to this trip?

Urn it's a big no from me.

Could be worse though OP you could be like my situation where my husbands ex is always asking to join our days out and she does because I say yes. My DH is fuming about it but I've told him let's do it for the kids and now she won't go away 😂

Why did they split?

It sounds like him trying to be supportive for the kids. Better that than mum and dad arguing and fighting over them

It's also easy to get caught up in a call with someone you've known for a while.

So long as he doesn't prioritise the ex OVER you, eg not talking to you or helping you to spend time with her, then I wouldn't be too worried

No one takes exception with them still getting along. That's wonderful and great for the kids. However, behaving as though they are still an intact unit, especially given he is now remarried and trying to have a baby, going out as a family group with their shared children is inappropriate, and it risks giving the kids very mixed messages.

Totally agree with this.

Tbh, dealing with exes is one of the main reasons I didn't date when my children/I were younger and had no interest in blending families.

You've only been together 2 years and have known you were in a complex situation for the duration. It seems very quick to have married. I wonder if that was, in part, an attempt by you to claim your ownership of him?

It sounds like it was a mistake and I'd be halting the IVF too until I was a lot clearer and happier about the whole set up.

I think it can be ok, if all parties are happy. But you’re clearly not so he should be more respectful of you and tell his ex that he will come if you’re invited along too. Now you’re married I do think his days out with his ex should be over or restricted to special days - marriages, graduations etc

I’d feel a bit uneasy with this. Part of me thinks it’s great that they’re having an amicable relationship. However, the playing happy families doesn’t sit right (and could be confusing for kids seeing mum and dad together so much?).

Why couldn’t she get five tickets, or could you get a fifth ticket for the show? Or could she take her mum (grandparent) or friend instead of dh? I think that’s the think that irks me, she’s deliberately excluding you.

Plenty of people still get on with their ex without it meaning they want to get back together.

if you’re with someone else who already has children then you need to be able to work alongside their coparenting or it’s not the right relationship for you.

Oh dear. Your husband is absolutely blinkered as to what acceptable boundaries are. I would be slamming the brakes on ttc if I were you. His judgement doesn't bode well at all.

If the event is a one off kind of thing then it seems like just a part of co-parenting. Though what I'm not sure about is why you or the ex's new partner wouldn't be invited?
He's married to you. So it feels like if it's a 'family' do then you're part of the family. If you're having a baby with him it would be better to try and make the family more blended.
I can see why you feel it's a bit insensitive.

No, I wouldn’t be ok with that. Meet ups with the kids yes. With the ex, no.

It’s not just him wanting time with the kids as he continues chatting to the ex afterwards.
What was the nature of their break up ?
Did she initiate the split ?
If so, it sounds as if he’s not got over it and wants her back.

I don’t have an ex with any shared children.

I think family days out are great if the parents can get on well. but not if they bicker and make it uncomfortable for the kids.

She’s his kids mum, they will always have a relationship as parents. My ex visits us ( often with his wife) for dc stuff like sports matches, parents evening, hobby awards night and we all go together. Sometimes various grandparents come along . We go out for dinner for dc birthdays too. The dc like it. We adults are all fine with our current situations so no drama.
I get that you find it uncomfortable but when there are kids it’s so much better if everyone can get on. You either trust him or you don’t but please don’t keep him from his kids lives because you don’t like him seeing the ex.

If the kids are desperate to go to a show and he’s got tickets for four why can’t he take you instead of the ex wife?