Is DH going out with his ex normal?

I do stuff with my ex and the kids.
It's not like I want to get back with him.
Let it go

My DD's Dad and I live in different but neighbouring countries.

He comes to us with his two children from a new relationship every year for her birthday.

Tomorrow when we travel back from holiday we will go to his house. I'll stay there for a few hours then go to an Airbnb when I can check in. While I'm at the Airbnb ex, dd and his children will come over and we'll go out for a meal.

It is isn't for everyone but it works for us.

It’s probably uncomfortable but I guess there is a family unit that’s intact but in a very different way. Isn’t that mostly the point of co-parenting? My parent divorced when I was young and looking back - it was weird never seeing my parents together. Is the better alternative the type of divorced situation for kids where DH just picks up and drops off
kids at the end of the driveway?

most people on here seem to follow the idea that mistrust, animosity and the insecurities of adults override the experience for the kids. Co-parenting and maybe eventually more blended type families may be unusual and challenging but I think that’s way better than the alternative. It’s got to start somewhere?

I think that’s a bit black and white.

I get that wanting to “recreate the family” is confusing for the child and delays the acceptance of the new normal. But as long as the boundaries and expectations are clear I don’t think it’s automatically a bad idea to maintain social relationships with ex partners.

The reality is that your children’s parents are going to be in your life. They should not be trying to to make a carbon copy of the old family or doing anything to upset the new family arrangement. But as long as everyone is clear where they stand I think maintaining a friendly relationship is a good thing.

I have a cordial relationship with my ex husband who comes around to the house my daughter, DP of seven years and I share for dinner sometimes. He, my daughter and I occasionally go out for family days out, or have pub lunches. Sometimes my partner comes, sometimes not. (Maybe once every 2-3 months). My partner is absolutely fine with this.

Overnight stays I think are a slightly different matter as to me that feels like trying to recreate the intimacy of a family.

Ultimately though it’s a negotiation between the parties and it depends how comfortable everyone is with it. In my case I broke up with my husband a decade ago, my daughter barely remembers him living with us and there are absolutely no romantic feelings between us. It’s very clear where everyone stands.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I certainly don’t think it’s automatically wrong but I do think everyone’s feelings need to be considered.

This.

It's not 'good' for the kids. Being amicable and communicative is good.

Behaving like they're still a family unit is confusing.

No this is weird he should’ve stayed with her if he wants to do stuff like that. It’ll confuse the kids too.

Theirs no real red flags here for me - maybe the night at hers would be a bit much. Are these days out a regular thing? TBH I think it’s fine if it’s a special occasion - surely it’s better they get on and it’s a day out focussed on the DC, right? Maybe discuss why it makes you uncomfortable as it’s clearly an issue. But I wouldn’t be worried in your position.

Maybe it all seems quite fresh, especially given you’ve been together 2 years - but I think some of the other comments on here are a bit over the top TBH. Cheating?! That’s quite a leap from staying on on FaceTime and a day out with the DC. This seems to be about DH having time with his kids, what’s the interaction (if any) with his ex outside of dealing with them?

I think the adults including DH need need to work out where they stand but the DC shouldn’t miss out. IVF is a factor but maybe it’s bad timing if the trip is something that popped up.

It’s weird and way beyond amicable co-parenting. It would really upset me tbh, unless I were invited along, as well as any partner she has.

Given all this and how you’ve described your relationship, which does seem to have moved very quickly, I’d not be doing IVF. It does not sound a great environment for a baby.

Were you the OW?

If spending the night was a regular thing then yes, it would be an issue. But OP said it was just one time, and hubby has agreed not to do that again. I no longer date myself as I have major trust issues so am happier alone. But that’s my choice. Remaining single isn’t for everyone. Hopefully for OP it is just the hormones - I had similar suspicions about my ex when I had post natal depression which turned out to be wrong (that time!). Seems to me that, as other people have mentioned, they are perhaps moving a bit too quickly and need to take some time to figure out a balance that works for everyone involved - hubby is probably trying to please everyone which of course ends up pleasing no- one. I suspect it would be a bad move to try to make him choose between his new wife and his children, but it is absolutely his responsibility to set some realistic boundaries with his ex for the future. We don’t know all the details, or why his first marriage ended but there may well be feelings of guilt involved here too. You and I have grown up kids so now it’s easy for us - it’s up to them whether or not they see their fathers and we can stay out of it - thankfully! 😅

Nope. You can be amicable for the kids without all the time spent chit chatting and sleepovers. I’d be cancelling the IVF too. He sounds far too invested in spending cosy family time with his first wife.

I’d be ok with this tbh. My BF stays at his exes house sometimes for his DS, I trust him 100% that there’s nothing going on with the ex, she will also chat to him after he finishes on the phone to DS and it’s absolutely fine. They go to places together as his DS has SEN and sometimes it’s good to have both parents there.

However - and it’s a big however - I wasn’t as ok with a previous partner doing the same thing. His boundaries were a bit sloppy, he also said that she still fancied him and would have him back in a heartbeat, so it wasn’t the same level of trust or indeed the same reasons, usually because she was drunk and fell asleep at his house.

I think it can be ok depending on the circumstances around the split, whether you’re also invited to their family things and how you fit into the dynamic generally. It won’t get better if you bring a child into this situation so get it resolved before you do that.

Tbh, I've already said I didn't date when my children were younger because I wasn't interested in dealing with this sort of shit.

So yes, that's exactly the decision I made for myself.

If I'd wanted to be so involved with my exh that we were still spending the night at each other's houses and new spouses would be excluded from the set up, I'd have stayed single for that reason too.

Someone said he is t over his first family. They are his family. There is no first about it.

It's nice for their children. It would be better if you could be included as well though. That's what l would do if l had a good relationship with my ex and his gf.

?? So he’s supposed to be involved in his kids’ lives without interacting with his ex? Love to see how that would work - it would make life truly unpleasant for everyone involved. People do grow apart. What happens if OP has kids with him then they split up? Would OP expect him to just ignore her because he’s got a new gf? Just because a couple no longer has romantic feelings doesn’t mean they stop caring about each other, especially if they were together a long time. Many marriages evolve into a more brother/sister type relationship - it’s not at all uncommon. I sometimes think some of the people posting on here just assume the worst for their own entertainment or to sound tough. I do wonder whether everyone being negative would follow their own advice in the same circumstances? Seems to me this could well be a resolvable situation without any nastiness or conflict, as it is entirely likely he is just looking after his kids and being friends with her. The only caveat is if hubby has a history of cheating, people’s future actions can be best predicted by their past behaviour. But assuming that isn’t the case I don’t think OP has anything to worry about. I don’t know the circumstances of the break up, but if they weren’t having sex at the end of their marriage then it’s unlikely they will start again now xx

Exactly.

If he wasn't ready to give up the ex wife, he shouldn't have remarried.

This situation although good for that family does not compare to op's situation.
Any reasonable person would agree this is not acceptable and most people would have some insecurity's about this.
Obviously the children get priority but not to the detriment of his wife, the 1st marriage ended so the 2nd wife takes priority over the 1st wife.
The husbands role in this blended family is to be respectful of the feelings of all involved, for example sleeping at his ex wife's house is not acceptable,he could have gone back in the morning to join them for breakfast if that was so important to him/kids.
I wonder if there are elements of him enjoying the attention of both wife and ex wife.

I occasionally have totally friendly phone chats or coffee with a couple of my exes, and we don't even have kids to talk about. They're just nice people who I like, but to whom I don't want to be married. The nice man to whom I AM married is secure in the knowledge that I wouldn't have started dating him in the first place if I had wanted to be with anyone else. Your DH has chosen to marry you, and to go through ivf together with you; he must love you very much, and he's already proving that he can be a caring dad (though next time it would be a bit more thoughtful of him to suggest getting 5 tickets not 4). I hope that helps a bit.

P.s he doesn't need to stay over for breakfast. He can... get up early and drive there. Crazy idea I know!

I'm all for blended, happy families that make sure the kids come first but this is a step too far. Whether it's intention or coincidence, they still have a family unit that you are being excluded from.

You should be invited or able to talk with her too.

I know a family where one parent is in a relationship and has a baby but still stayed over and does things with ex and the dc. He often picks ex up and spends whole days with her and the dc without his gf and baby there. He will look after dc in her home at times if she needs to go out. When out together I have seen they bring a shared picnic and both get each other's food or whatever. It's absolutely lovely. Ex also speaks to new gf and they get on. She doesn't often join but that's because baby and children have different needs and interests. The parents message a d call each other all the time and are actually good friends.
It's the best co parenting relationship I have ever seen and the happiest dc of separated parents I have ever come across.

Absolutely this.

My partner and his ex wife are no longer family.

She is not part of my family and I am not part of hers.

The childen are all adults. We are as much family together as they wish us to be.

The whole point of divorce is that you are no longer connected in that way.

My exh and I are still our children's parents but we have no other connection to each other. We are not family.

No absolutely NOT an outsider.
She’s his wife! The ex is not his family any more but his kids are.

Key to this is why did they split up?
Who initiated it ?
When he sleeps over at his ex’s do you think the “happy families” extends to sleeping with her?

After all, that would seem normal for the kids ?
Mummy and daddy together.

Definitely not acceptable, OP.

It goes beyond co parenting doesn’t it ?

Good point. If he has a history of cheating then it’s absolutely right of OP to be wary.