To think my DD17 is overthinking her bf's porn watching

I would be really surprised to find out my son in law or husband actively sought porn now. Possibly when younger in the way that young boys might.

No one can say for sure but their general respect for women would make me doubt it

Except blind men ofc

I'm always shocked when grown women are shocked by porn. I can't believe any men don't look at it.

You/she said “because it makes her feel insecure”. That’s a whole different issue to boundaries and sexploitation.

Yeah it’s strange, poor OP. Mumsnet isn’t the best place for sex advice though, especially porn. It’s quite an older fashioned bunch on here. Great for most things I would say but not for sex/ porn.

Agreed. Well done her.

I would be very proud to have a daughter like this. I’m proud of my DS2 (16) who has no interest in alcohol. Unless something changes in the next couple of years he’ll be off to uni as a teetotaller. No doubt many will think him weird, but he’s got a principled opposition to it as well as all drugs. I have a principled opposition to drugs as well, but DH and I do drink.

I won’t be advising DS to have the occasional beer - why should I? He’s set his standard at none, and I respect that.

However I'm shocked at how judgey and rude some posters are. Isn't this a forum for advice?

The judgement is because you may not have intended it that way but in your first post it sounded like you were telling her it was wrong to split up over porn and that she was being irrational.

I think the reason some posts are rightly (sorry) shitty is because you appear to not be very supportive of your own daughter.

She is perfectly entitled for this to be a deal breaker. And you are totally wrong to be querying that.

Wow, I would be so proud of a child of mine realising what a disgusting, sexually exploiting and vile thing porn is, and sticking to their boundaries.

If more females (men too but I doubt they would dream of it) took such a stand then perhaps people would see it for the hideous thing it is.

Yeah she’s overreacting and out of order for checking his history. This is controlling behaviour and if it was the other way around the posts here would be very different. He has the right to watch what he wants as an adult once it’s legal content. She will be hard pushed to find a boyfriend who doesn’t watch porn.

Like it or not porn is part of life, DH was given access to porn when we were in the IVF clinic and when we had couples therapy, we were encouraged to watch porn. Of course I agree it should be better regulated and ethical etc.

I'm curious how you think you can prove the majority of men watch it?

Telling other people they can’t do something and then invading their privacy is not something to be applauded.

I don't know why posters are being so rude to you, OP. You have been very gracious in reply and I quite see why you wanted to get the perspectives of others. That's what mumsnet is for and it's not the kind of thing you can ask your friends.
I would agree that your DD is right to assert her own boundaries. I also wonder if she was going off him anyway? Either way, you should definitely support her in splitting up with him, if that's what she wants.

Good for your DD!

Well, I think some of the responses on here are a bit naive and immature. What offends her about the porn? What is the porn like? Is there a red flag in there? Is it excessive use, every day, can’t orgasm without etc?
loads of questions need to be considered as to whether or not it is something that should concern her. He is allowed to have his own life and do what he wants too. It’s why she is dictating what he does in private that is worrying and why is she doing that unless it’s affecting their sex life together etc?
if it’s that she feels it’s exploitative etc. then she needs to decide whether her not using porn is enough or she needs to dictate how others she knows behave etc. or is it just if she’s in a relationship with that person that she wants to control porn use and how far her values need to spread into others lives.

She has a boundary that's right for her. It should be applauded not undermined.

The family members I know because I was a nosy kid and would find magazines or vhs tapes shoved under their beds.

Magazines with naked and sexualised women objectify women for men's pleasure. But looking at them is not in the same league as voyeuristically looking at people actually engaging in sexual acts, on video, and especially not when those videos typically involve acts of violence. (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/sep/27/online-pornography-breaks-french-law-equality-watchdog-france)

You ought to be supporting her decision not undermining it. She’s absolutely right

She possibly has higher standards than you OP, you should be proud of her.

DH and DS not only don't look at porn but they are utterly scathing and ridicule anyone they know that does. Porn Hub is the most watched TV channel in the US and 79% of users are men, obviously a lot of them watch it but certainly not 'all' or 'most'. The ones I know are horrified by the industry and exploitation of women.

good for her for sticking to her standards

Every man I've ever known - that includes my dad and brothers, every boyfriend (from different backgrounds and social classes, areas and cultural backgrounds) and every male friend (including gay males) ALL looked at porn in some way shape or form.

The family members I know because I was a nosy kid and would find magazines or vhs tapes shoved under their beds.

These are all people of wildly different personality types so I don't understand how people don't think the majority of men have or do look at pornography in some way. I am so curious why they think that and how they could prove it?

All men? Don't talk utter ballbags 🙄